lift
being very helpful as a child, i was always ready to run errands for my mum. one day, this meant going to her friend's house in the local high-rise to borrow her curling tongs.
as she lived on the 6th floor, i decided to take the lift, as did 2 elderly women who were going to the 9th floor.
between the 2nd and 3rd floors, the lift suddenly juddered to a halt. we pressed buttons, but nothing happened. we then tried the emergency alarm button. again, nothing.
after 10 minutes of shouting, we managed to attract someone's attention and the caretaker was summoned. he assured us that an engineer had been called and would be with us very shortly to release us.
unfortunately, this wasn't quite fast enough for one of the old ladies.
"mary, i need to pay a visit" she said.
"we'll be out soon, just hold it until then, ok?" she agreed that she would.
5 minutes later, it happened. "i can't, mary," she said, "i'm going to have to let it go."
so she did. all over the lift floor. a large puddle of steaming yellow badness. now, not only was i trapped with 2 old women who originally smelled of digestives and celery, i was now paddling in geriatric piss. it took another 45 minutes for us to be freed, possibly the longest and smelliest 45 minutes of my young life. i was so glad to breathe the almost fresh air again.
as if that wasn't bad enough, mum's mate had gone out by the time i got there and i got a bollocking for not getting the curling tongs.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 3 Mar 2014, 17:01, 9 replies)

You may complain about it
but half the buggars on here would have paid good money to be part of that.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Mon 3 Mar 2014, 17:43, closed)

Well,
there's at least one that comes to mind.
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Mon 3 Mar 2014, 18:59, closed)

Long story short, she pissed in her own shoes

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 3 Mar 2014, 19:13, closed)

hahahahaha

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Tue 4 Mar 2014, 12:26, closed)

almost did a sick
thought the steaming yellow badness was her geriatric diarrhea

still awful
( ferret -> twitter.com/syfyautocorrect <-, Tue 4 Mar 2014, 6:01, closed)

could have been worse
at least none of us were claustrophobic
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Tue 4 Mar 2014, 12:26, closed)

isn't anyone going to say it?

(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Tue 4 Mar 2014, 9:06, closed)

So what you're saying is,
that your mum's a lazy, ungrateful, unreasonable bitch?
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Tue 4 Mar 2014, 13:40, closed)

sometimes
but i'm also known for wandering off to explore things when i'm meant to be doing something else
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Tue 4 Mar 2014, 15:21, closed)