Diana
Some years ago, I was out with a few friends in a quiet pub in Hobart Town, sitting in front of a log fire, warding off the winter chill with lots of beer and cigarettes. One of my mates had invited his cousin along, Diana.

Diana was really attractive… and a wee bit chunky…sexy chunky, you know, buxom chunky, like Liza Tarbuck. Not gunt-overhang chunky, like Dawn French. Not that I’d say no to a roll in the hay with Dawn French, understand, but really, in the Paper / Rock / Scissors world of rating chunky chicks, buxom-chunky beats gunt-chunky.

Anyway, I digress.

After some initial awkward intro conversation, Diana and I were soon getting along famously. We liked the same bands, had travelled to the same countries, liked the same foods, made each other laugh with witty stories etc. etc. Diana was from out of town, didn’t know anyone, and was delighted to have found a good company and was having a good night out.

Sometime later in the evening, the pub inevitably closes, and before long all of us are standing outside, in the cold, deciding whether to kick on or go home. I’d run out of money, and anyway, I’d had a great, night (Diana’s phone number in my pocket, scrawled on the back of a beer coaster), so I was happy to invite everyone back home, crank up the fire and get stuck into the cheap port.

We all stumble through the biting winter wind, and tumble through the door of my house. The fire is restoked with plenty of logs, everyone finds a big armchair, or a place on the old busted sofa, the port is passed around and slowly but surely, everyone settles quietly, gazing hypnotically at the fire. The lights are turned out, the flames make dancing shadows on the wall, and the wind howls outside, but we are snug, warm, happy, and I’m idly thinking I just might score a root tonight.

Everyone is drowsy, the room is quiet, Diana’s head on my lap, slowly brushing her cheek across my jeans, knowing perfectly well that my increasingly hard cock is most appreciative of the attention.

After a while, she looks up, motions towards my bedroom, so we quietly pick our way across the slumbering bodies, and snuggle into my bed.

Within minutes, our clothes are off, and Diana is kneeling over me, guiding my cock to her mouth, she slowly bobs her head up and down, running her tongue across the Japs Eye, gently nibbling the Banjo, and slowly taking the full length into her mouth. I’m in heaven, it feels unbelievable, and I feel I should reciprocate.

I gently pull at her body to indicate she should shift position, and in one slightly drunken lurching movement, she swings one leg over my head and we are straight into a 69. Diana grinding her big thighs and wonderful moist minge onto my face, my tongue gently running across the silken inner skin of her fertile delta.

Diana’s really aroused, my cock is getting a solid work over from her hot mouth, and she’s starting to buck and grind down hard on my face, but Fuck…I can’t breathe when she does that. Her full weight is pressing down on my body, her legs pin my arms, she’s a bit too drunk to notice my increasing writhing is not ecstasy, but early onset asphyxiation panic.

Fuck. I just can’t move, can’t speak for a mouth full of inner thigh and minge, and I’m trapped underneath a drunken hefty lass! I can’t fucking breathe, Jesus, what a way to die, fuck sakes Diana, gimme some air! In desperation, I decide to bite her, give her a little nip, just to make her jump, so I give her a quick sharp bite, but wtf? She squeals and grinds down harder!

Man, I’m struggling here, trapped, in desperation I have one last roll of the dice, one last attempt to gain her attention, so I push, push and strain, strain and squeeze, squeeze harder, and just as my I’m starting to black out, my cock softens just enough to respond and right as Diana realises something is wrong and quickly rolls off, I release a healthy stream of piss…right into my own mouth.
( Ken Oath, Sat 8 Mar 2014, 11:23, 24 replies)

Bravo!

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Sat 8 Mar 2014, 11:48, closed)

Well played.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sat 8 Mar 2014, 11:55, closed)

well...after months of lurking, I just had break the seal.
( Ken Oath, Sat 8 Mar 2014, 11:59, closed)

You're singlehandedly rescuing your nation from being tarred with the Fathelme brush.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sat 8 Mar 2014, 14:03, closed)

Three cheers for our eminent colonial cousins not all being flabwitted shiteaches!

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sat 8 Mar 2014, 15:18, closed)

I heard that his pool is only freshwater only, mind.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sat 8 Mar 2014, 16:13, closed)

povvo cunt

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sat 8 Mar 2014, 19:52, closed)

So povvo, I don't have a pool. The beach is free.
( Ken Oath, Sun 9 Mar 2014, 7:04, closed)

You don't even rent the beach? What a cunt.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sun 9 Mar 2014, 15:13, closed)

yes!

( rofl harris, Sat 8 Mar 2014, 12:22, closed)

This one stands out even without the reference to buccal micturition.
Examples of clickworthiness include "buxom-chunky beats gunt-chunky".
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Sat 8 Mar 2014, 12:43, closed)

I like the whole late closing question thing
We get actual awesome posts now
( rofl harris, Sat 8 Mar 2014, 12:59, closed)

TERRIFIC internet.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sat 8 Mar 2014, 14:02, closed)

Outstanding performance.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Sat 8 Mar 2014, 14:23, closed)

alright Ken Oath

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sat 8 Mar 2014, 14:27, closed)

Alright mate.
( Ken Oath, Sun 9 Mar 2014, 7:05, closed)

YES.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Sat 8 Mar 2014, 14:31, closed)

After reading this
My dinky swoll up and I found a strange viscous translucent fluid in my underpants. I've never had this happen before.
Well done.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Sat 8 Mar 2014, 14:40, closed)

From your arse cometh genies! A solid anti-Blob ShartLoam response from the horse trailer team.
(Howland C. Pousiccat sailed away, Sat 8 Mar 2014, 18:48, closed)

...and im spent.
excellent work
(katie hopkins telling it where its at, Sat 8 Mar 2014, 19:41, closed)

3 days after the question was supposed to close, anything longer than a couple of lines is going to be a terrible pun.
I'm not making that mistake, again.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Sat 8 Mar 2014, 20:15, closed)

Isn't that what you said when you were caught with your cock in that alsatian?

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sun 9 Mar 2014, 15:13, closed)

And yet
they still won't let me be a mod.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 10 Mar 2014, 10:50, closed)

Very well played.

(Plague Hedgehog 'posting crap', Sat 8 Mar 2014, 23:59, closed)