Every so often I contribute
to a website called thatsfuckingstupid.com. No, this isn't shameless self-promotion, I just want to make sure no-one thinks I am thieving this article like a swan-eating gyppo with a TV hidden in his underpants.

We at TFS always like to hear the opposite side of the story from ours. We love to read other people’s opinions and well thought out ripostes.
But what we love even more than that are stupid people. People who have mastered the art of the hysterical keyboard mash, and who invariably fall into one of two categories:

1. Those who use the words “100%” in their posts, despite being an uneducated mouth-breather who will spout any form of quasi-reasonable sounding drivel as long as it comes from someone similarly white, middle class and boundlessly stupid. Daily Heil types, you know who they are.

2. Those who assume ironic, pseudo-pretentious poses and are utterly, utterly convinced that this impresses people with how clever he is, when in fact we openly attempt to bait him so that he will carry on churning out his own auto-back-patting postings with the aid of a thesaurus and a jar of Ribena.

We shall call them Trolls.

The Troll is a curious beast. It may lurk around in dark corners of the internet, avoiding sunlight, showers and nutritional food, and only delurking when suitably riled. These types are blessedly easy targets – it’s kind of like waving a steak at a pissed-off pitbull. You just know it’s gonna bite and bark and jump about like its arse is on fire, yet you do it anyway, don’t you?
This type will snap at the first provocation and will undoubtedly believe that TIPING THIGNS IN CAPS MAEKS THEM TRUE, I KNOW 100% THIS IS FACT!!!1.

They are the intellectual equivalent of the Youtube commentor. They haven’t really got much past the evolutionary equivalent of the “OMFG U’R SO GHEY” argument. These people are impossible to reason with; would you reason with a dog that shits on your rug then looks at you, proud of the steaming pile of turd he has produced? No. You slap it down and banish it back to the dark corner whence it came.

Such Trolls as fall into category 1. have a propensity to use percentages to demonstrate FACT(TM). A prime example would be “i may not be medically trained but i am not stupid…i am the mother of a boy with acquired autism and i know 100% it was the MMR which caused the autism”.

It’s important to emphasise that Trolls like this are immune to reason (despite being against vaccinations, ironically enough) and do not let a plethora of studies and scientific evidence sway them from the path of FACT(TM). They are the only person in the debate in possession of FACT(TM), despite being a hysterical keyboard-basher jumping on an already-dismissed panicwagon created from an unholy mix of conviction that the authorities are conspiring against them and plain old middle class TEH FEAR. Of what? Who knows; maybe daylight, or other people, or rational, reasoned dialogue (most likely).

Trolls like this can be relied upon to descend in to badly spelled CAPSLOK RIDDEN HISTERIA at any point, which is always a really, really good indicator of your intellectual credibility.

They genuinely, really and truly believe that they alone are the maverick free-thinker among the sheeple masses. This makes them ripe for a bit of delusional paranoia – a really good Troll won’t let something lie until they have demonstrated their conviction that some government agency somewhere is watching them / withholding vital evidence that will prove the Troll right beyond all doubt, and that the lack of evidence to support their paranoid delusion is “pretty CONVENEINT, eh???!1”

Whilst fun to play with, having a set-to with someone like this is the rough equivalent of bear-baiting. Sure, it’s fun to see them shuffling and grunting and flailing whilst you repeatedly poke them, but it gets old pretty quickly.

The fun starts when one of the other types of Troll shambles onto the scene. The ones that are just about intelligent enough to believe they’re a wit, when in fact they’re only half a one.*
Such types will often come across in their posts as making painful yet hilarious attempts to sound supercilious and aloof, usually through the misuse of sarcasm. Phrases such as “Yes, splendid idea! let’s all do what you say, because obviously you know better than anyone else!” feature quite heavily in the blatherings of this particular Troll variant. Note that this Troll has picked up on the fact that the CAPS LOCK SARCASM approach does not work, and instead treads dangerously close to irony through reckless use of the Italics command.

The origin of troll may be the more intelligent people trolling for suckers, but has since moved on to being the people who post controversial, inflammatory, irrelevant or off-topic messages in an online community.

Don't you just love em?

Also, for some quality trollage, check out the comments on the MMR vaccinations here:
www.thatsfuckingstupid.com/index.php/2008/11/28/just-a-quickie-you-wont-feel-a-thing/

That was an awesome afternoon's entertainment right there.


*Thank you, Terry Pratchett, you are a Flying Spaghetti Monster among men.
(Biscuit Burlesque wants to be Dita von Teas, Fri 20 May 2011, 0:11, 7 replies)

Other terms used
"brigade"
"So-called"
"do-gooder"
"in this day and age"

These are my favourite of late from my local rag:
www.thisishullandeastriding.co.uk/news/East-Hull-phone-mast-protesters-continue-24-hour-vigils/article-3561450-detail/article.html

which followed this:

www.thisishullandeastriding.co.uk/news/support-grows-join-phone-mast-fight/article-3508505-detail/article.html

I comment on there regularly now, picking holes in the nonsense people post. I used to post on the Daily Heil, but they seem to moderate out all the common sense comments.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 20 May 2011, 0:51, closed)

Excellent! I particularly like
"This is the largest pile of bovine excrement I have read". Good times!
(Biscuit Burlesque wants to be Dita von Teas, Mon 23 May 2011, 15:27, closed)

You forgot the ballistic approach to punctuation.
More is better!!!!!!!!!!!

Isn't it?????????????
(Vigilante Man weeps because you're stupid., Fri 20 May 2011, 1:20, closed)

A well thought out & explained
treatise on what a troll is and some of their most commonly used techniques.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Fri 20 May 2011, 9:34, closed)

Great read!
*clicks*
( SauronWibble I'll hold it, you lick it..., Fri 20 May 2011, 11:31, closed)

What do you mean by "pseudo-pretentious"?
They pretend to pretend to be clever?
( clockworkrat has nice pants, Fri 20 May 2011, 13:17, closed)

Exactly this.
They have to pretend to pretend to be clever because they cannot pretend to pretend to be stupid, because they already are. It's a difficult and often contentious technique and requires strenuous practice.
(Biscuit Burlesque wants to be Dita von Teas, Mon 23 May 2011, 15:22, closed)