Fun in the Snow!
First term of university was interesting. I guess like many others in those first few weeks, I made friendship choices that I was later to regret.

I’d come fresh from the Home Counties to some godforsaken Northern hell-hole, dumped unceremoniously into halls of residence, surrounded by every type of regional weirdo imaginable. As luck would have, one such weirdo – a tall, thin scouser called Dan, was in my halls, on my course and had exactly the same timetable as me. This led to him calling for me each morning to get the bus to campus, reserving me seats in the lecture theatre and generally (in his mind), being a ‘mate’.

Not having met any real life scousers before, he unfortunately didn’t adhere to the Harry Enfield stereotype I’d been expecting. Rather than permed hair and a tache, he sported a horrid short haircut that he gelled forward and then parted revoltingly in the middle. But the accent was spot on – proper Liverpool scum. All his conversations surrounded the fucking Charlatans, Cream and amphetamines. He could never look you in the eye, a real shifty, borderline psychotic oddball - which earned him the nickname Scary Dan (pronounced with an OTT scouse accent).

Despite my best intentions I couldn’t drop the cunt. Every morning he’d appear at my window, ‘Eh Albert, you ready like?’ - and I’d be forced to hide my face as we walked to the bus stop together. Luckily I met other, more balanced individuals and began to form a circle of friends. Trouble was, this moron Dan forced himself into this group too. ‘You’re not bringing Scary Dan’, my new friends would ask when planning a night out. ‘No fucking way!’ I’d reply, only to see him appear minutes later in a Tranmere Rovers top, carrying two litres of cider, demanding to know where we were going.

When second term rolled around, my New Year’s resolution was to have a chat with Scary Dan and gently de-friend him. But then something happened that allowed me to dump him, guilt free and forever grateful. Our halls were brand spanking new. Four squat buildings arranged on four around a central courtyard. A decent courtyard too – large enough for a proper game of footie and sensitive guitar-strumming picnics in the sun. The blocks were all named after some Northern nobodies but to us they were simply Blocks A, B, C & D.

Towards the end of January it snowed. Not the kind of light southern dusting I was used to – but a proper, filthy northern blizzard, at least a foot of snow was dumped in one night. This did wonders to the courtyard. The art students created arresting snow-sculptures. The Rugby cunts stripped naked and with full blown hard-ons, dived into the snow – then with rulers in hand, measured the depths of their penile penetrations. And some wag made the biggest snow-cock and balls anyone had ever seen, perfectly placed, dead centre of the courtyard.

Then we got organised. Word went round that at midday, residents of all four blocks were to assemble outside their buildings and prepare for the world’s biggest snowball fight. Hurriedly we prepared our ammunition, creating dumps of 100’s of snowballs, each placed strategically within reach of the battle. Someone blew a whistle and we were off, charging forward, throwing, tripping and bundling people into the snow. The mayhem continued for about 10 minutes when suddenly, for some reason, it stopped. One by one we all heard a blood-curdling scream, a scream that was getting louder and louder. It was Scary Dan tearing down the stairs of D Block to join the fight! As over 100 students prepared to obliterate him with snowballs, the people nearest the entrance of D Block began to step backwards and soon a clear path opened for him as he came careering out of the building. Looking up to see why he hadn’t been the first person to have ‘Death by Snowballs’ printed on his coroner’s report, I saw the reason why everyone had backed off. High above his head he was wielding the largest, sharpest looking machete we’d ever laid eyes on.

Still screaming he ran into the middle of the courtyard and stopped. He then set about performing ninja-esque moves on imaginary foes. Red in the face and with spit drooling out his mouth, he chopped, slashed and thrust the machete into the air – all the while screeching like a demented demon.

‘Come aaaan!’ He yelled. ‘I’ll take the fookin lot of youse aan! Aaarrgh!’

‘What the fuck is your mate Dan doing?’ Someone asked me. I shrunk back in embarrassment as I realised everyone was looking from him, to me, to him – obviously expecting me to do something. Back in the centre of the yard Scary Dan was living up to his name. Bored of fighting invisible enemies, he began to charge round the courtyard attacking things. He destroyed the arty sculptures in two or three swings of gleaming steel. He ran at the crowd, slashing at anything that moved. Girls screamed, guys shrank back in fear. Then, finding himself back in the centre of the courtyard, he performed a final, perfectly choreographed move. Pivoting on one foot, machete gripped in two hands, he span round 180 degrees and with one, clear, clean swing he decapitated the giant snow-cock.

This was too much for the rugger buggers. They charged forward and took him out. Tackled from behind he was thrown head-first into the ground. Then, machete finally wrested from his grip, they proceeded to hold his head down in the snow, with four of five of the cunts sitting on him. When they finally let him up for air, he coughed, spluttered and ran off into the road, I wish I could add, ‘never to be seen again’ – but sadly he re-appeared that evening. He never came knocking for me again though and we all got a memo about ‘mental health issues on campus’. Turns out he was proper, bona-fide nutter and had forgotten to take his meds or something.

Twat.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 15:01, 34 replies)

a scouser? in a tranmere shirt?
you're right, he's a twat.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 15:33, closed)

Hahaha

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 15:39, closed)

ha ha!
Obligatory Hotmail/nonce comment pending approval.
( @><|= w0nu!) or cunt to my friends, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 15:46, closed)

i'm disappointed in you albert, your recent stories have not been anywhere near the fib-tastic standards you have set
you could've at least added how you managed to restrain the machete wielding maniac in a vulcan death grip and then had sex with all the girls
( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 16:01, closed)

I could...
But I'd already had sex with all the girls in my halls. Far too much effort to do it again. And it was cold.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 16:04, closed)

"Mentally ill man in need of help" is not the same as "twat".
Fair play to you, Albert, I haven't been this annoyed since that time you attempted to napalm a beach full of children.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 16:17, closed)

Twat.
Twat because if you are mentally ill, take your fucking meds.

Twat because if you are mentally ill, don't carry machetes.

Twat because if you are mentally ill, lay off the speed.

Twat because if you are mentally ill, that's no excuse for the fucking Charlatans.

Twat because if you're at the level of mental illness whereby you're prone to attack people in a machete wielding frenzy, a secure hospital is an infinitely better place to receive the help you need.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 16:29, closed)

I think you've misunderstood the concept of mental illness.
Being mentally ill, doing those things would be perfectly natural.
(except the Charlatans bit, that's psychotic.)

I met a guy with bipolar who's doctor had stopped his meds because he would take them randomly.
He told the doc he was crazy but apparently he was still supposed to behave rationally to qualify for treatment.
Twats.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Thu 19 Sep 2013, 16:33, closed)

Hmm.
I'm not defending GP's who on the whole are rather useless with regards mental health however if your friend was abusing his meds in an effort to overdose he/she would/should have been given a shorter length prescription, if they had been taking there meds in a way that wasn't prescribed then there's a chance they would be ineffectual, which negates the point. Further more if ssymptoms of your mental illness manifest in violence it is absolutely your duty to maintain treatment as advised by your mental health provider. If you are unable to do this then unfortunately your best off in psychiatric care. Apologies for poor grammar/spelling
(immadme, Fri 20 Sep 2013, 15:24, closed)

I agree with you in principle but I don't think the onus should be
on the patient to do or decide any of this. If you want him to behave rationally tell him first not to be mentally ill.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Fri 20 Sep 2013, 18:11, closed)

What a wanker you are
(TheManHimself Beer Drinkin', Breath Stinkin', Sniffing Glue, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 19:17, closed)

On second reading I've just noticed the "rugger buggers" were tackling him from behind ... were they still nude and erect at the time?

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 16:28, closed)

I've given him a point for his rugger buggers.
Credit where credit's due.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Thu 19 Sep 2013, 16:30, closed)

I wish.
Would make for a colourful embellishment.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 16:31, closed)

If the "rugger buggers" lived up to their name then I suppose his arse would have been well and truly "embellished"
( eXOBeX, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 22:05, closed)

If you hate the North so much,
why the fuck did you go to university there?
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 16:52, closed)

I hate it because I went to university there.

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 16:53, closed)

University? Ahahaha. Of course you did.
At last. Some classic Lie-bert Lie-ma-lie.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 19:58, closed)

Alright, The Boxer.
I won't be reading this until somebody reassures me that it contains at least a moped-worth of bullshit. Soz.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 17:39, closed)

Suit yourself.
And good luck with your meme.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 17:52, closed)

It's Happy Phantom's meme.
I am merely its Typhoid Mary.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 19:20, closed)

An then ees typhoider went spinnin arf inta spays

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 19:41, closed)

Typhoid Mary...how wonderfully apt.
A spreader of disease, poison and ultimately death.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 19 Sep 2013, 22:54, closed)

You're just a bit dim, aren't you.
That's disappointing.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 20 Sep 2013, 8:55, closed)

I liked this for the rugger buggers and
there's no excuse for the Charlatans.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Fri 20 Sep 2013, 7:06, closed)