This one happened just last night.
I'm at our SoftBall club's season launch and coaches/managers meeting as both a committee member and coach of my daughter's team.

A fellow committee member - I'll call him Reginald sidles up to me. I wouldn't say Reg is a mate per-se but we serve on a couple of committees together (PCYC and SoftBall), we've known each other since both our kids started school and we always have a long natter/argument at the PCYC Grounds Committee meetings (Fri. arvo shout at the pub after work).
He's one of those borderline aspy types who it seems frequently opens his mouth before his brain properly engages and applies a filter to what he's saying and how he's behaving in social situations.
Some of his past exploits include - jokingly calling the PCYC president a cunt during a funny situation at a meeting. When queried by the secretary if he really wanted to say that he affirmed it repeating that said bloke was a cunt and then laughing uproariously. Duly noted in the minutes...
At one of our Grounds Committee meetings I saw a former work-mate Ben, who happens to play prop for an A grade local club. After a bit of to-&-fro I tell Ben to "Get fucked you dumbshit" (a throwback to our days at work when we'd give each other shit at knockoff). Reg jumps in very aggressively and tells Ben "Yeah, FUCK OFF!!". I managed to intercede but not before Ben gave Reg a need to iron his lapels and probably check his undies.

So last night - I'm talking to Reg and he motions over to our (fairly well endowed) club secretary. "I'll never get tired of look at those tits." he says to me. In a voice easily loud enough for her to hear. And Reg's missus whom she happens to be speaking to at the time. And most of the rest of the hall.
I shake my head and Reg almost shouts "What? I'm a married man mate."
"Not for very much longer." I mumble as I wander off to get some more sushi and fresh lemon, lime and soda.
Length? I'd say she's a 33D and isn't afraid to open the buttons on her committee shirt enough to show off a bit of cleavage.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Thu 26 Sep 2013, 4:54, 27 replies)

" we'd give each other shit at knockoff"


Homosexual scatt stories always score big with me.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Thu 26 Sep 2013, 8:05, closed)

I'm hanging shit on you right now!

(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Thu 26 Sep 2013, 8:11, closed)

and on my special day too :(

( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Thu 26 Sep 2013, 8:13, closed)

2 guys
1 "ring"o ;]
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Thu 26 Sep 2013, 8:25, closed)

Where do I start?
Unlike others, I have no interest in you real life situation. My gripe with you is the migraines I suffer when I try and read your 'stories'.

This one in particular is a mess of purposeless facts, with desperation oozing from every syllable as you to impress us with tales of an antipodean paradise of softball, PCYC, sushi and fresh limes. But there is the genus of an amusing anecdote in there. So I've Liemallowed it up a bit...this one's on me.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 26 Sep 2013, 8:52, closed)

Great though your lie-mallowing talent is
I doubt even you could turn one of his dreary diary dribbles into an anecdote.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 26 Sep 2013, 9:03, closed)

Seeing your post below,
I'm guessing you're an early drinker or.... your'e
one of those borderline aspy types who it seems frequently opens his mouth types his response before his brain properly engages and applies a filter to what he's saying typing
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Thu 26 Sep 2013, 9:44, closed)

Twat with a Capital T!
Pre-season softball meets can be a real drag. A load of competitive dads and uninterested mums get together in the clubhouse to 'plan' the season. The fathers talk about training regimes and fixture lists, whilst the women use the get-together to gossip and natter over equally inane issues.

The only saving grace at these interminably dull events is Bella, the club secretary. She's a knockout...with two wonderfully large softballs - if you know what I mean!

Last season I found myself sat with Reggie, an old mate with whom I can share stories dating back to high-school. Reg, like me is now 'happily' married and both our good wives were also chatting with each other at the back of the bar. Reg and I spied Bella collecting glasses from the next table, she was, as usual, wearing a particularly low-cut top, with a couple of buttons more than necessary undone.

'I'll never tire of looking at those tits', said Reggie, or at least he thought he'd said. But by some awful piece of unintended comic timing, Reggie's comment came at a moment of near perfect silence in the room. Everybody heard.

The whole room stared at us, and our wives reddened deeply with embarrassment.

Reggie took stock of the situation. How was he going to get out of this one?

'For fucks sake Rob!' He yelled, pointing at me, 'You're married with a kid...she's half your age mate.'

And with that he slowly got up from the table, leaving everybody staring at me with the horrible hatred and pity reserved for middle-aged perverts. I caught Bella's eye for a second, she slowly and purposefully did the buttons up on her blouse and flounced out the room.

I don't think I've ever squared that one with the missus, nor with the softball club for that matter. Still, a mate's a mate, eh?
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 26 Sep 2013, 9:16, closed)

I don't believe a word of this,
yet I am outraged beyond belief, nonetheless.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 26 Sep 2013, 9:20, closed)

Umm.
Yeah, thanks. Ever so sorry to disappoint you Alby.
I prefer when "ringofyre" (Brigadier) does one of his epic tales to be honest.

Nice try I 'spose. Aside from getting the plot and theme completely wrong. Maybe post it AB-style as your own.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Thu 26 Sep 2013, 9:36, closed)

Good idea!

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 26 Sep 2013, 10:41, closed)

You haven't made the narrator anywhere near pathetic or dull enough.
But I like tits.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 26 Sep 2013, 9:46, closed)

Look it's pathetic dull man
here to tell us all about what we're doing wrong. Nice post count there shambo.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Thu 26 Sep 2013, 9:56, closed)

I wasn't trying to imitate the narrator.
I've just re-spun it. And now we have story of Reggie being an genuinely twattish mate.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 26 Sep 2013, 9:56, closed)

"I reviewed job applications from women much younger than myself
in order to gain personal information and images which I then used for my own sexual gratification."
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Thu 26 Sep 2013, 10:06, closed)

Pervert.

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 26 Sep 2013, 10:09, closed)

"I took advantage of a terrorist attack
to start an impromptu moped taxi service. I managed to bed one of my fares who just happened to be an amazingly attractive woman."
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Thu 26 Sep 2013, 10:15, closed)

Worse than Hitler.

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 26 Sep 2013, 10:16, closed)

"I had access to a premium coffee making machine
before the rest of the world did."
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Thu 26 Sep 2013, 10:18, closed)

Hope you enjoyed it. A fine cup of coffee indeed.

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 26 Sep 2013, 10:19, closed)

Sorry Alby. I didn't post in that thread at the time cause I didn't want to seem rude.
"I claim to own multiple properties that I'm supposedly making an absolute mint off, yet I fail to understand the basic concepts of negative gearing and capital gains. To the point that I'll be lucky to gain equity in my primary residence."
*This from an Aussie POV no less but an Aussie that at least knows the difference between a fixed and variable interest rate mortgage.*
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Thu 26 Sep 2013, 10:40, closed)

That's ok...get it all out your system.

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 26 Sep 2013, 10:42, closed)

Twat with a Capital T!
Pre-season softball meets can be a real drag. A load of competitive dads and uninterested mums get together in the clubhouse to 'plan' the season. The fathers talk about training regimes and fixture lists, whilst the women use the get-together to gossip and natter over equally inane issues.

The only saving grace at these interminably dull events is Bella, the club secretary. She's a knockout...with two wonderfully large softballs - if you know what I mean!

Last season I found myself sat with Reggie, an old mate with whom I can share stories dating back to high-school. Reg, like me is now 'happily' married and both our good wives were also chatting with each other at the back of the bar. Reg and I spied Bella collecting glasses from the next table, she was, as usual, wearing a particularly low-cut top, with a couple of buttons more than necessary undone.

'I'll never tire of looking at those tits', said Reggie, or at least he thought he'd said. But by some awful piece of unintended comic timing, Reggie's comment came at a moment of near perfect silence in the room. Everybody heard.

The whole room stared at us, and our wives reddened deeply with embarrassment.

Reggie took stock of the situation. How was he going to get out of this one?

'For fucks sake Rob!' He yelled, pointing at me, 'You're married with a kid...she's half your age mate.'

And with that he slowly got up from the table, leaving everybody staring at me with the horrible hatred and pity reserved for middle-aged perverts. I caught Bella's eye for a second, she slowly and purposefully did the buttons up on her blouse and flounced out the room.

I don't think I've ever squared that one with the missus, nor with the softball club for that matter. Still, a mate's a mate, eh
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Thu 26 Sep 2013, 10:47, closed)

I like this!

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 26 Sep 2013, 10:49, closed)

Lie-bert for Mod!

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 26 Sep 2013, 10:47, closed)

33D?
I bet she's proper lopsided, like her tits have had a stroke or something.
(Eukanuba, Thu 26 Sep 2013, 12:02, closed)

I'd give 'em a...
oh I can't be bothered
(The Magic Number is neither magic nor a number, Thu 26 Sep 2013, 12:06, closed)