Teh Fear
I can’t recall exactly why I volunteered to look after Alan’s much loved Labrador dog for the weekend, but I’m almost certain that Newcastle Brown had something to do with it. After being softened up with a few bottles of Newcastle’s finest over a game of cards, I agreed that Alan should entrust me with his pet, the keys to his house, his finest gentlemen’s art DVDs and a slab of brain grenades while he went away to boff the living daylights out of his latest squeeze.

Friday night was spent bonding with my new found canine pal Harvey before watching the Bond* film on Alan’s new widescreen TV and slurping beer.

Hungover, I woke the next morning on the sofa to see Harvey wagging his tail and looking forlornly at his empty food bowl and lead with a trusting and hopeful look on his doggy face.

An hour later and Harvey and I are trudging through nearby fields and farmland, my hangover was still making itself felt as I threw a grubby tennis ball for Harvey to fetch and return, covered in slobber. One more time I stopped myself from retching as I gingerly picked up the slimy ball and threw it over a hedge, for Harvey to chase, tongue flapping in the breeze.

“Yeow! What the fuck’s that?”

I turned and ran towards the direction of the voice, which appeared to come from the other side of the hedge, fearful that Harvey was making a pest of himself. I spluttered an apology as I climbed over a small fence.

“I’m terribly sorry, it was my fault, I hope my dog isn’t being a nuis… Oh…”

Harvey’s quest for the lost tennis ball had been momentarily forgotten, for he’d stumbled across a courting couple and was smearing a cold-wet doggy nose over the gentleman suitor’s bare bottom intent on making new friends. Squirming beneath him was an attractive brunette girl whose face turned from ecstasy to horror in the blink of an eye. I don’t know who was more mortified, her or me.

His poor ladyfriend was reddening even faster than I was and looked absolutely mortified. Obviously our young Casanova had been on his vinegars before slobbering Cerberus had caused coitus interruptus. I weakly offered my apologies, desperately trying not to notice her bare and rather fulsome norkage which was hurriedly being covered with a crumpled tee shirt.

“I’m so sorry folks… Harvey! Come here! Harvey! Fuck’s sake. Harvey!”

Feeling like some kind of seedy voyeur, I grabbed Harvey’s collar and dragged the sniggering hound away. I reattached his lead and led him back home before preparing our dinners and opening a can of Shepps and trying to block out the embarrassing memory of stumbling across the alfresco shaggers.

Six months later and I’m soberly sat at my desk reviewing my diary for the day when the email came in telling me that my interviewee had arrived and was waiting for me. Gulping down the remnants of my now rapidly cooling coffee, I put on my tie and headed downstairs to the boardroom in full on potential employer mode.

“Hi there, Tracy. I’m PJM and I’m the department head here.”

My pretty interviewee looked at me with a horrified expression on her face. For a moment I had an attack of The Fear, my mind went through all the possible scenarios, was I stood there with my cock hanging out? No, I wasn’t feeling a draught.

“Uhm, please take a seat” I added, trying to appear professional.

Had we once drunkenly fumbled on a nightclub floor in a humiliating drunken tryst I’d blocked out of my memory? No, she looked far too young for that. However, my alcohol addled archives are far from the most reliable source.

“Can I uh, fetch you some water or something?”

Her face was the colour of a freshly smacked arse. Ever the professional, I scanned through my prepared questions and asked away.

She was refusing to make eye contact. This really isn’t going well, she was going crimson and the blood rushed to my face so much it felt like my head was about to burst. I knew Tracy from somewhere and the circumstances weren’t the best, but I couldn't for the life of me remember how… Teh Fear was strong and I didn’t know why.

It’s testament to my continual ham-fisted bell-endedness that I seem to maximise any opportunity to make a monumental twat of myself. Suffice to say that I struck gold this time when in a state of panic I scanned down Tracy’s CV and asked the killer question that finally jogged my recalcitrant memory.

“It says here that you used to work for the Environment Agency as a site survey officer. How did you feel getting all mucky in the great outdoors”.

_{* "Bond film" = Red Hot & Dutch}

(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Mon 6 Apr 2009, 16:20, 13 replies)

From one monumental twat to another
I'd just like to say well done, good job, Sir!
( SpankyHanky, Mon 6 Apr 2009, 16:24, closed)

Pure genius
Bravo!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 6 Apr 2009, 16:25, closed)

Oh dear...
Why do I see that happening to me as well?
( jim_bob can herd cats., Mon 6 Apr 2009, 16:32, closed)

'cos you spend a lot of time
Hanging around dog-walking routes, naked?
( Cawl, Mon 6 Apr 2009, 16:38, closed)

Oh yes
I frequently hang out with my wang out.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Mon 6 Apr 2009, 17:19, closed)

This is win.
*laughs and clicks*
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Mon 6 Apr 2009, 17:17, closed)

*click*
So.... Did she get the job?
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Mon 6 Apr 2009, 17:44, closed)

Click
Erm did she get the job? and I don't suppose you have any pictures?
(Pill Popper Thank you Sasha Shulgin, Mon 6 Apr 2009, 18:02, closed)

I'm not even going to make a joke
about dogging.
( The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Mon 6 Apr 2009, 19:35, closed)

Clicky
I laughed, so you get a click.
(Le Grenouille, Mon 6 Apr 2009, 23:42, closed)

I wanted to laugh so much
But my boss is looking at me, lucky he can't read english, click
(knackerz is skinning up, Tue 7 Apr 2009, 6:12, closed)

For teh win
Yet again PJM, I've just ruined the sense of zen-like calm in the control room. Well done, sir.
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Tue 7 Apr 2009, 7:37, closed)

Awsomely awesome...!

I haven't been about these parts much this week (not working...lord, no, just doing other stuff).

So have only been able to flit in and out of the QotW...reading what I can.

And I am so glad I stumbled across this gem.

I don't say this often...In fact I don't think I've ever said it before...But in my humble opinion, this post should win.

by fucking miles.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Tue 7 Apr 2009, 11:43, closed)