Ollie Toe Fucker
I like to get sweaty in Finsbury Park with a bunch of men.

No, it's not a bukkake jizzbomb explosion free-for-all of atomic proportions - its fucking about on skateboards.

Now, I skate like I make love - frenetically, with lots of weird jerky motions, a shitload of swearing, and I usually end up hurting myself. Oh, and I'm usually absolutley off my fucking head, talking to pink elephants, slobbering at passing ladies boobies, finding Margaret Thatcher strangely attractive shitfaced.

This one time last summer on a boiling hot fucking day, I'm down at Finsbury Park, twatting about on my skateboard with my mates Phil and Steve. Steve's a bit of a Tony Hawk on the board on account of never going to school and learning how to skateboard instead. The cunt can hardly spell his own name, but, fuck me, when he's shooting round on a plank of wood with wheels on, he looks the fucking business. And Steve always skates barefoot. His weirdly long toes curling over the edge of the board - he really does resemble an incredibly well trained shaved circus chimp when he's in full flow.

Steve says to me: "Spanky - I wanna see you ollie down that slope there. If you can't do it, you owe me a pint later."

I nod.

Of course.

No problem.

Well, one slight problem: I didn't have a fucking clue what an ollie was.

Phil, who's swigging down his can of Stella says: "You don't know what an ollie is do you, you fucking retard? Tell you what - if you can't make the ollie, you owe me a pint too."

A few parents mulling about in the park tut in our general direction. (Apparently parks are the exclusive property of people with little kids when its a nice day and they don't like swearing, the cunts).

"I do fucking know what a fucking ollie is you hairless fucking freak of fucking nature," I reason. Phil had been getting on my nerves all fucking day.

He was - and still is - a cock.

"I'll show you how it's done," says Phil, and he slams his board down and sets off at pace.

And then something miraculous happens. I would quite happily have sold my soul to the devil if I'd have know what was about to happen happened...

Phil's front wheels hit a pebble or - knowing Finsbury Park - a used condom, bloated and swollen in the hot sun, the contents churning into some weird kind of rock hard spunk cheese; or a dirty old syringe pissing out blood and opiates -

and he fell, cartwheeling through the air. And he landed heavily on his knees, and what with him being a bit of a skater freak, he was wearing baggy skater pants -

- which were rendered free from his peachy buttocks as if an invisible pervert had stepped up behind him and wrenched the fuckers down.

Several parents gasped and sheilded their childrens eyes.

Steve and I, being responsible adults ourselves, pissed ourselves laughing. And then Steve launched himself forward, ran the twenty or so meters over to Phil while he was still a bit stunned and confused, and kicked him right up the jacksy with the sort of grace and poise you'd expect to see from the penalty kicker on the pitch at Twickenham.

And Steve's aim was so true, so straight, that he managed to get his foot stuck up Phil's arse; his big toe - Steve was barefoot - must've acted like some kind of living butt plug...

It was a truly remarkable sight, the ten seconds or so it took for Phil and Steve to part: Phil on the floor, wiggling his arse, howling in pain - Steve stood over him, jerking his foot back and forth, pushing down on Phil's head to try and break the unnatural, the unholy, the just plain wrong coupling of sphincter and toe, with Steve shouting:

"AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHH!!! THAT'S FUCKING DISGUSTING!!!"

And Phil responding with:

"AAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!! STOP FUCKING RAPING ME YOU CUNT!!!"

They got a round of applause when they finally parted; well - I clapped at least as Phil pulled up his jeans, Steve found a patch of grass and furiously wiped the stinky shitty chocolate starfish smell off his toe.

I wandered over to them: "If that's an ollie, you can fucking keep it, lads. And sod buying you a pint, I think I should buy you two a room and a packet of cigerattes to smoke after you've finised fucking each other... you make such a lovely couple."
( SpankyHanky, Thu 28 May 2009, 14:38, 16 replies)

christ
i lol'd

*click*
(Cov Boy, Thu 28 May 2009, 14:43, closed)

Office lol
Are you not satisfied with monopolising the best of page last week???

What am I saying, keep em' coming
(Is this a good idea? ... Yes this is definitely a good idea, Thu 28 May 2009, 14:50, closed)

How the fuck
Do you manage to pull these out every time?
(Potty Jag har smör i min rumpspringa, Thu 28 May 2009, 14:51, closed)

Shhh
Don't think about it, ruins the magic.
(Scritty Bakerman., Thu 28 May 2009, 19:45, closed)

hahahahaha!
spanky, you fucking loon, this is brilliant!
*click*
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 28 May 2009, 15:04, closed)

fits of tears
cant stop laughing - thanks!
(Valeo2004, Thu 28 May 2009, 15:08, closed)

hmm

(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Thu 28 May 2009, 15:25, closed)

Nearly
gets a click purely for such unabashed fibbery! Your amazing skater friend (who's really good yet skates barefoot, ignoring the fact that the griptape would cut his feet up if he did anything other than just roll around) managed to get his foot (well, big toe) up your other chum's arsehole after his pants were pulled down by falling off (in 20 years' skating I've never seen anyone lose their kecks through slamming). Yeah, there's a remote chance it could happen I suppose, say, eleventy bazillion to one? Fuck it, clicked for the sheer, barefaced Jimmy Hill factor.
(Crayola Oblongata Is it Monday?, Thu 28 May 2009, 15:32, closed)

This is absolutely great
spanky, thanks for making me lol on an otherwise stressful thursday afternoon. thanks.
(Lizard King, Thu 28 May 2009, 15:32, closed)

Wait...
...are you telling me that what you've decribed isn't an Ollie?

*regrets paying for those "skateboard lessons"*

*clicks*

*looks for a rubber ring to sit on*
( TheMagicDwarf is back like ballroom dancing, Thu 28 May 2009, 15:39, closed)

Only you
Could turn accidental nudity into skate-boarding anal toe-rape.

My hat is doffed to you sir.

Pray continue.
( Ugi , it's a game of give and cake, Thu 28 May 2009, 15:46, closed)

early-morning lol
*click*
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Fri 29 May 2009, 3:45, closed)

Cunt
You made me laugh at work, now everyone wants to know what's so special about "that grey page I'm always looking at".

*click*
( chart cat has an itch, Fri 29 May 2009, 5:56, closed)

nobody
skates barefoot...
(neorockz :), Fri 29 May 2009, 12:13, closed)

I wouldn't know about skating barefoot, barechested or barearsed...

and I don't care.

All I care about is how funny this post is.

And the answer is...fucking funny.

And therefore I click it hard.

*Clicks barefoot*
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Mon 1 Jun 2009, 17:26, closed)

Another triumph
Keep 'em comin', chief!
(RVD420 has his world coming down on, Tue 2 Jun 2009, 14:45, closed)