Tale of the Unexplained, redneck style.
When I was a wee redneck of 8, my family went out a meal at the newly opened Chinese restaurant in my backwards cowfekking hometown. As my fellow residents were thoroughly and patriotically ‘Murcan and could hardly eat pizza for the treason it showed ‘Murcan delicacies such as Velveeta, chitlins and red dye #5, the restaurant was empty but for the four of us.

The toilets were situated at the back with the doors themselves facing directly into the restaurant and the kitchen to the side and I, having consumed about 12 Coke refills (God Bless America,) went to the back for an almighty and life-changing piss. I double-locked the outside door. During my liquid evacuation, the door handle started wiggling.

“There’s somebody in here!” I shouted. Obviously. I was 8, I wasn’t going to allow just anybody in the toilet with me. This was before the days when men had dirty lusty ideas about little girls, I was more afraid of somebody hearing me wee.

No response, just further door handle twisting. Then it really kicked off. The entire door started shaking with rage, vibrating and oscillating. I was screaming like the little girl I was – surely somebody would stop the person? Somebody must hear me! All of a sudden the door was ripped off along with the hinges and the trim; it was actually torn out of the bloody wall. Parts of the door trim has seemingly exploded and the doorknob was ripped away, it was like somebody had attached a chain to the door handle, wrapped it around the bumper of their car and then sped off. The door sat several feet away from me, a tiny ginger crying form sitting on a toilet (woe was me, both ginger, moopy and my sister saw my underpants.)

Once I opened my eyes, my family was sat at the table looking at me like I was thoroughly insane. They wondered how I managed to rip the door off because, you see, there was nobody else there and I was roughly the same weight as a loaf of bread. There was nobody else in the restaurant.

And they hadn’t heard me screaming, but they had seen the door tear off, quite at its own accord.

The restaurant owners were thoroughly angry that I had damaged the restaurant in such a fashion and threatened my family, and my parents matched that with a bit of a grounding.

But c’mon, how could an 8 (going on hamster) year old rip a door out of its socket? How could I have broken a door with my bare 8 year old hands? And if I do possess this strength, why am I such a rubbish athlete?
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 13:11, 33 replies)

Much as I'm enjoying your stories...
... I'm a touch suspicious of the way that so much stuff that's quite so wierd happens to you.

Far be it from me to say that you're exaggerating in any way... but the pen across the room just picked itself up and wrote the phrase "THERE'S SOMETHING RUM ABOUT ALL THIS" on my whiteboard with no assistance at all.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 13:20, closed)

^pfft
Perhaps some people are just more attuned to it. Or notice it more.

I'm so bloody wrapped up in my own little world most of the time that I doubt I'd notice a poltergeist if it came and rattled its chains in my face (not that it would, because I don't believe in supernatural stuff anyway, bar one slightly mysterious sighting). I've never even seen a flasher. For years I thought that I was emitting some kind of anti drug-pusher vibe, as I thought I'd never been offered drugs in Camdem. Turns out I had, but just hadn't noticed. Not once.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 13:53, closed)

hi bob
shatners bassoon! - were you trying to score cake?

i had to suffer an even worse ignominy once. I tried to buy some blackmarket goods from some little ratboy in garish leisure wear - cheeky little fucker made me declare i wasn't an undercover plod in front of his little fellow ratboys 'as witnesses'.

i have been given many insults in my time but that hurt!

[edit] if it will help i'll flash ya

architective.co.uk/images/wood%20door%20knob.jpg
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 14:03, closed)

Considering I am a computer nerd...
...and not a writer, I'd say the only thing rum is what you've got in your hand.

But thanks for the vote of confidence anyways.
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 14:36, closed)

The thing is...
I just *pay attention*. I'm always the one to see people shagging in the bushes, always the one to notice the piles of vomit, always the one chased by odd people because I gave them a bit too much of a knowing look.

Shit happens, some of it is weird. I could also talk at great length and in an entertaining fashion about the frankly remarkable things my dogs have done; it doesn't make me a liar.

"Hey, welcome to B3ta, we'll drive you away before you even begin!"
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 14:45, closed)

^ I wasn't calling you a liar
I was saying that even if I believed in supernatural happenings, I doubt I'd see them anyway, because I just don't take notice of the world around me.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 14:56, closed)

FIGHT!FIGHT!FIGHT!FIGHT!FIGHT!FIGHT!FIGHT!
kick her in the tits bob!
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 15:06, closed)

@Bob
It was Enzyme, but we're going to sort it out through a cup of coffee and a fistfight.
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 15:06, closed)

FISTING!
YAY!!!!!!
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 15:09, closed)

@spimf
My tits take offense to that.

Besides, to really hurt a girl, you must kick her up the mimsie (or tell her she's fat.)
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 15:09, closed)

spimf
calm down dear. I'm not going to kick anyone in the tits (unless Piers Morgan is around).
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 15:16, closed)

mimsy fight!
oh don't take any offence at me i'm a renowned buffoon round these here parts

while were on the subject of inflicting pain - i had a whole pile of people round yesterday. i was standing in the middle of the room when my little boy decided to walk up to me wrap his arms around be and bite me on the knacker (left)
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 15:19, closed)

@BobFossil
I see you also have tits. Let's declare a tits amnesty.

No tit punching, not in this thread.
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 15:19, closed)

pidgeony
what if she is so fat her mimsy is shrouded by a huge 'gunt'

ewww!
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 15:22, closed)

@spimf
You ain't got no place in this fight, what with you not having a mimsie.

Why would he bite you in the knacker? WHYYYYY?
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 15:22, closed)

@BobFossil
I wouldn't take that from spimf if I were you.

Kick him. Kick him really hard in the anus. Or knackers. Or temple. Whatever.
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 15:23, closed)

why dont you compare tits
then have a pillow fight wearing small cotton pants

thats what PROPER girls do

*pervs*

(i am lead to believe that bobs are a bit special - tits that is, you might be outgunned here what with the fossilbazzookas)
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 15:24, closed)

@spimf
I'm all ribs and nipples, most 10 year old boys have better bazookas than me.
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 15:31, closed)

ah the lolita type
*adjusts pervOscopeTM*

do you still have your school uniform perchance

fnnr uggh etc
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 15:38, closed)

No, the 'built like a young boy' type.
But don't let me dictate what gets your end off.
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 15:40, closed)

Hahaa
spimf you filthy bugger
but seriously he does speak sense..
(Freddles, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 15:40, closed)

Spimf
You're a strange, strange man.

Pigeony: yes, tits amnesty sounds good. Not that we're going to hand them in to the nearest police station. Just refrain from tit-directed kickage. Or mimsy-abuse.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 15:47, closed)

i took mrs spimf
to Marks & Spencer once to buy her a school uniform - those Ann Summers jobs just arent up to the chaffing

she tried it all on in the wee changing room then tried to keep a straight face as the snooty woman on the till eyed me with disgust when i asked Mrs Spimf is she was really sure that would fit her 'little cousin'

fnarr
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 15:50, closed)

I jus realised.
We're girls. Talking about tits. On the internet.

No wonder there's so much interest.

I'm surprised all internet traffic hasn't been redirected here.
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 15:50, closed)

I didn't have to wear school uniforms.
The closest I got was a pair of ripped jeans and a XXL Afghan Whigs t-shirt.

Surely that is the Anti-sexy.
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 15:59, closed)

your doing your level best to spoil it arent you
bob posts stories about her being a 15 year old schoolgirl with big norks struggling to get some teenage action from some flute nerd

AND YOU JUST WONT BLOODY JOIN IN WILL YOU

*huffs*
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 16:04, closed)

My pursuits of sex...
Will always be negated in tale by my lack of giant knockers.

And besides, I played the oboe.
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 16:06, closed)

^Nope. Not even close.
The anti-sexy was my old uniform: culottes.

Calf-length, navy blue pinstriped culottes, with a high waistband. With a white shirt and maroon/blue jumper.

On Sundays we had to wear a shirt with frills down the front and a necktie with our school badge on it.

To vaguely quote Terry Pratchett, it was chosen to be our uniform because it was about as attractive as a plank.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 16:09, closed)

^ eeewgh
not the 'C' word. You win Fossil.

*de tumesces*

HANG ON A MO...

did you go to a posh girls boarding school Fossil?

*prays to the perv gods*
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 16:14, closed)

Close.
A posh mixed boarding school. But of course we were in single-sex houses. 60-odd girls in my house. We only got our own rooms in the U6. Before that we shared 2, 3 and sometimes 4 to the dorm.

Whatever you're thinking, Spimf, just stop it.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 16:27, closed)

you cant inhibit my freedom to sleaze!
*eyes glaze over*

i had a posh girl once - caught lobsters from her

HAHHAHAHAHH
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 16:33, closed)

I'm just following Internet Traffic
*Barges to the front with a bunch of tattered Co-Op flowers*

PIDGEONY WILL YOU GO OUT WITH ME
(oneltrchardonnay, Mon 7 Jul 2008, 21:19, closed)

@ oneltrchardonnay
WHAT!? Are those chrysanthemums!?

*Flies into rage, kicks BobFossil in the tits.*
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Tue 8 Jul 2008, 9:10, closed)