Ah, timing
This morning I went for a jog. Unfortunately the thing I couldn't finish is much more disgusting than what you might expect. Buckle your seatbelts, its gonna get messy.

The schoolboy error I made was to have a lamb tikka jalfrezi last night. I make no apologies, it was payday and I was hungry. I even put a bog roll in the fridge in anticipation of having a ringpiece like a solar eclipse this morning. But after nearly 5 miles of jiggling the innards, it became apparent that I was going to struggle to get home without needing to evacuate. And it's very difficult to accelerate when the reason why you jog is that you're disgustingly unfit. So you can imagine my relief when I entered Sloughbottom Park (it's actually called that) and saw a sign indicating a female public toilet on one side of a building which I've never previously seen the point in the existence of.

Before the usual catcalls and predictable trumpeting of "BUMDER" are heard, I can assure you that I rounded the building in eager, sweaty anticipation and was phenomenally relieved to see the matching male public toilet sign. Slowing to a walk, I approached the door, feeling relief flowing through me like a long, sludgy turd.

The door was fucking LOCKED.

What the hell was I supposed to do? I was still just over a mile from home, and I was categorically past the point of no return. Turtling. Further jogging probably would have caused the tip of my intended excretion to snap off and rattle around my undercrackers all the way home. Luckily, the door was in an alcove at the back of the building. So I did what any of you would have done. I dropped my kecks, squatted out of sight and dropped the anchor on dry land.

You would have. Be honest.

Thankfully it was textbook. One smooth, fluid motion, no need to push. It was a very peaceful morning and I could actually hear my cheeks ripple as the poo parted them. I pulled my shorts up, had a quick check of colour and consistency, rebuked myself for not bringing my phone - it was at least a 7 on ratemypoo.com - and continued jogging.

I did warn you that it wasn't the jog I couldn't finish.

You know how there's always that last bum nugget that you can't quite get without toilet paper? Well, I may be disgusting enough to take a shit in public and tell the internet about it two hours later, but I draw the line at wiping my arse with my own bare hand. The rest of the run was... uncomfortable. I motivated myself to run faster with the idea that I might be able to see my poo on Google Earth when I got home.

That's not the worst part.

Worse than shitting in a very pretty park which I frequently jog through, worse even than running with a gutful of slurry, worse than any comments which get posted below, is the feeling when you've been to the loo at home, tidied yourself up, and pull your sweaty pants back up over your clammy thighs. Lamb tikka jalfrezi, though. Well worth it.

The WORST part? Unlike most of my posts, this is absolutely 100% true.

Length? Hard to say, it was more of a dollop than a cable
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:00, 10 replies)

I can't believe you did something like that
You've lost so many points with that post :(
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:10, closed)

What would you have done?!

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:12, closed)

I wouldn't have had that curry
But, if I was in your situation I would have gone to the toilet before going running.

If even after doing it you still need to go again, I'd have gone to a pub or cafe, pay for something to drink, and use the toilet there.

If there weren't any toilets around at all, I'd have cleaned myself with leaves or something like that, and then come back with a plastic bag and pick the poo and put it in the bin.

But then, I'm a lady, and I don't poo.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:25, closed)

I think we can say with some certainty that you're a better person than me
but this is hardly news
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:27, closed)

Hahaha!
I don't think so. I spent 1h this morning talking bad about my soon to be ex-boss with a colleage.

It's funny having this conversation in 2 places at the same time.
(Aberracion Life's getting very complicated, but a lot of fun., Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:28, closed)

Hey...

If it's ok for Paula Radcliffe, It's ok for Darth Foxtrot.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 1 Jul 2010, 11:52, closed)

I like it purely for "dropped the anchor on dry land"

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:22, closed)

Shameless whoring Mr Trot
*Clicks*

A mate of mine was afflicted with runner's farts halfway through a three mile run.

*step-step-step-parrrp!-step-parrrrrrrrrrrp!-squelch-step*

He said it was a lot like sitting on a marble.

He covered the last mile and a half in under ten minutes thirty.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:33, closed)

I run at an average of 9 minutes per mile
I might take a marble with me next time
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:37, closed)

This happens all the time for me when I go jogging outside.
Luckily it's usually near the last mile home and I manage to get back just be squeezing my bum cheeks together.
( girlinthehole, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:34, closed)

It must be the time of year for it
I was getting something out of the fridge at the weekend and looked out of the kitchen window to see some chav boy squeezing one out on the path across the road - in broad daylight.

He saw me looking as well but didn't even look embarrassed.
(BearWithLittleBrain, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:37, closed)

I was out on my bike a couple of years back...
...cycling along a canal towpath. I rounded a corner to find a chav squatting by the side of the trail, Kappa traccies around his knees.

He even bade me "morning" as I cycled past.

The worst bit? He was less than two hundred yards from some public toilets.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:45, closed)

this has reminded me
at Sonisphere festival last year, I was sat in my tent enjoying a reefer late at night when I heard the following:

Chap 1 (obviously just sauntering through the campsite, stumbles across Chap 2): "Alright? woah! having a shit there are we?"
Chap 2: "that's right"
Chap 1: "ok then" (pauses for a long while then "see ya" (wanders off)
Chap 2 finishes up and returns to his mates who say "I can't believe you just took a shit over there"
Chap 2: "I can't believe that guy shone his torch at me for so long"
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:46, closed)

You should have saved that for a full QOTW answer mate

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:49, closed)

it's alright, no one will read your post and hence the replies anyway
you colossal helmet
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 10:03, closed)

You're going to look bloody silly
if next week's QOTW is Festivals and EVERYONE reads this
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 10:09, closed)

festivals wasn't long enough ago for them to repeat it

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 10:11, closed)

This is an awesome story...

I have made a note of many of your phrases for usage at a later date when posting about my next cack-related calamity which is most likely(unfortuantely) not too far away.

*Clicks*
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 1 Jul 2010, 11:28, closed)

FUCK YEAH
This may be my last ever QOTW response and I get praise from Pooflake. I can die a happy, and somewhat lighter, man.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 11:32, closed)

A mate of mine..
shat himself THREE TIMES running a marathon. At one stage he knocked into a random house who gave him a change of shorts, which he most likely soiled
(El_diablo_blanco, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 11:46, closed)

This made me laugh out loud
In fairness to your mate, if I'd had to run a further 20 miles on top of this morning jog I'd probably have prolapsed, let alone shat myself twice more
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 11:55, closed)