I used to drink
There is a reason that I don't drink any more, that is I finally learnt from my mistakes. The last time I drank was about 5 months ago.

My partner was away visiting family and I thought I would indulge in a little mid-week tipple. Well, the first glass of Pinot turned in to a second trip to the local newsagent/off licence. I finally made my way to bed plastered. Woke up in panic the next day as I had go to work by train. Train arrives it's packed, I'm standing pressed up near the door with all the 6th form students, it's too hot, I can't take my coat off, the students are being noisy and the concocted smell of excited child, washing powder, cheap perfume and deodorant was too much. I felt hot then suddenly cold and clammy with that familiar wet mouth. I came with in seconds of vomiting in the hood of a girls duffel coat, but I managed to escape to the luxurious poo scented train toilet where I stayed for the remainder of the journey.

Although I didn't/couldn't chuck my guts up on the train. I did when I was at work and was over heard doing so, much to my shame.
(Free pens 100, 101, 102 is still counting on, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 12:59, 23 replies)

Just pretend you're pregnant.
It always works for me.*

Some assembly required.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 13:03, closed)

The worst but is
I could just about could have been - I am expecting to give birth (that is the proper term, I have told by the midwife to stop telling people that 'I going to pass a baby') mid July.
(Free pens 100, 101, 102 is still counting on, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 13:10, closed)

Are you sure it's yours?

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 13:17, closed)

No
I saw a scan and the little alien chap looks kind of grey, I can't even remember sleeping with grey bloke. But I suppose I was drinking back in them days.
(Free pens 100, 101, 102 is still counting on, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 13:23, closed)

It's probably god's.
You know what I'm like.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 13:28, closed)

Maybe it's a bottle of
Smirnoff Ice?
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 13:30, closed)

Can't be sure
but I doubt it's god's work - but if it were they would have to call me the Non-virgin Mother or the Mother of the Second Coming. Neither of which really suit me.

My other reservation being I can't remember inserting an entire Smirnoff ice bottle. And that is the kind of thing you wouldn't forget.
(Free pens 100, 101, 102 is still counting on, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 13:57, closed)

You were too pissed to remember, obviously.
Trust me, I'm a doctor.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 14:02, closed)

You are a science professional and I respect that
I spoke to one of your sort, he wasn't just a scientist but a Scientologist and he said it could well be a Thetan and for a fee of just a few thousand pounds he would safely throw it back in the volcano after I had passed it.
(Free pens 100, 101, 102 is still counting on, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 14:13, closed)

I'm sorry, I'm just a fraud.
Still, if you've got something to throw in a volcano, I'm your man.

Can I borrow a helicopter?
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 14:39, closed)

I don't have a helicopter
but I do have a couple of kites, the stunt ones with 2 stings. They'er good fun on a windy day.
(Free pens 100, 101, 102 is still counting on, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 15:03, closed)

Oh, forget all this nonsense!
We should all decamp to the park, for an afternoon of kite-flying and frivolity.
With lashings of ginger beer.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 15:05, closed)

Brilliant idea
and how did you know ginger beer gives me wind. I'll have them kites up in a trice.
(Free pens 100, 101, 102 is still counting on, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 15:19, closed)

You'll be called what I bloody well tell you.
Now stop chatting and go and bring some non-believing heathens unto my eternal merciful light.

But no gays.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 14:15, closed)

AV
Change your name to Tesco and you will have the largest and most loyal Sunday congregation.

Best to allow the gays as they have more money and fewer kids than the rest of us, good for business.
(Free pens 100, 101, 102 is still counting on, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 15:17, closed)

Mammon is a jealous master; and leaves no room for any other.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 15:21, closed)

You just want me
to haul my fat belly and milky tits out in all weathers. I am sure that is against H&S regulations.

*Where did I leave the number for Jeremy Kyle, I'm going to have it out with this Vag.*
(Free pens 100, 101, 102 is still counting on, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 15:58, closed)

"Have it out with this vag"?
Have you just gone into labour?
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 16:04, closed)

Nah I thought me and AV can have a go
at being on the telly, set the correct example to all them less fortunate than ourselves.

Him an enthusiastic drinker me a pregnant original thinker, we could be like the new Richard and Judy (but not married).
(Free pens 100, 101, 102 is still counting on, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 16:11, closed)

Lightweight.

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 13:06, closed)

Yes
I suppose the real problem being I assumed I drink a lot as I could always drink quicker than all my friends. HOW WRONG I WAS.
(Free pens 100, 101, 102 is still counting on, Fri 15 Feb 2013, 13:13, closed)

of vomiting

You disgust me.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 18 Feb 2013, 11:02, closed)

you disgust me
what about vomitting into the hood of a girls duffel coat would make you climax?
(little lord muthafuckin fauntleroy, Mon 18 Feb 2013, 12:20, closed)