how i stopped the local kids writing graffiti about me
in my last flat, i had a reputation as something of a mental case. i promoted this illusion, mainly so the local kids would leave me alone and stop kicking footballs at my windows. this seemed to be doing the trick, until kyle and his family moved into the street.
now, this odious little crotchfruit had already been expelled from one school and had his family kicked out of their previous house. not bad for a 10-year-old. kyle decided that, as i was VERY fat, i must be mocked at every opportunity. hardly a day went past without this little cumwaste shouting such pearlers as "oi! fatty!" at me. hoping that he'd grow tired of it without a reaction, i ignored him.
one day, however, i happened to walk past a wall about 100 yards away from my block of flats, when something caught my eye. scrawled in large, childish letters was the phrase "smash monkey wears big knickers"
well, duh.
as i was on my way to bingo(sad, i know), i had pens in my bag. whipping one out(ooer), i added underneath "of course i wear big knickers, have you seen the size of my arse?"
strangely, kyle never shouted names at me again after that, nor did any of his mates.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 18:14, 21 replies)

Click for the comeback but not the harassment

(Cockroach-Sombrero Cook Pass Babtridge, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 18:23, closed)

that's kids for you
if they're brought up by fuckwits, they'll just become fuckwits themselves
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 18:26, closed)

There's some local fuckwits round here started trying to get a bit of a rise out of me, calling me 'Jed' for some reason.
So one night as I'm ambling past them to go to the corner shop 'OI JED!'
'Alright virgins?'
'Oi, I ain't no virgin blud'
'You're not? Nice one. Hope your arse feels better soon.'
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 19:17, closed)

hahaha!
nice one, AB!
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 19:35, closed)

They had girls with them that they were trying to impress too.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sat 9 Oct 2010, 12:49, closed)

that gets bonus points

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 9 Oct 2010, 16:05, closed)

Oi Jed!
Lolz!1!!!!!!!!111
Thought I'd get that in first...

BTW, I think you need to re-structure the list so it's easier for retards (like me) to find the latest additions, not sure how, just saying. I always assumed new posts at the top off subsections but I think you're slipping in a few old ones all over? And why did you remove the "unfunny prats" section, do I have to be racist/a nonce to get back on it?
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 20:14, closed)

To be honest, it was the least amusing section and I needed more room.
'Anecdote kings' is due a prune too, it's a bit one-joke.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sat 9 Oct 2010, 12:48, closed)

Fooking brilliant.
( dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Fri 8 Oct 2010, 18:24, closed)

:)

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 18:27, closed)

haha!
awesome ^_^
( VandenPlas can't think of anything clever - no change there!, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 18:30, closed)

I don't believe you!
I demand photographic evidence of you in big knickers!
Not really, just kidding (my girlfriend would kill me), you get my click.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 18:31, closed)

i did have a pic
of someone wearing my "big is beautiful" knickers, but it wasn't me.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 18:39, closed)

Nicely
Can you come and sort out the little scrotes who congregate in the garage block next to my garden?
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 18:35, closed)

that's an easy one
just call the ringleader over and say quietly "have you ever seen a dead body?"
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 18:38, closed)

Hee hee!
Nice:}
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 19:38, closed)

I salute you!
As a possessor of a rather large arse myself, I approve of these shenanigans! (The comeback, not the wank-stain who drew the graffiti in the first place)
(Draco Rattus ate all the pies on, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 20:46, closed)

Apparently
..you also possess a massive pair of (metaphorical) cojones ! Have a big click.
( number5 has been fighting tramps and losing., Fri 8 Oct 2010, 21:48, closed)

why, thank you
*rearranges metaphorical pants*
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 9 Oct 2010, 16:06, closed)

:D
This is why I always look for your answers first!
( Trogdos The Raging Cuntmuffin, Sun 10 Oct 2010, 17:23, closed)

*blushes*
aaaawww, thanks!
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sun 10 Oct 2010, 19:39, closed)