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This is a question Waste of money

I once paid a small fortune to a solicitor in a legal case. She got lost on the way to court, turned up late with the wrong papers and started an argument with the judge, who told her to "shut up, for the love of God". A stunning investment.

Thanks to golddust for the suggestion

(, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 12:45)
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Fucking guidance counsellors
A while ago Ms Foxtrot and I were having some pop-pop problems. Sexwise. Nothing to do with aged grandparents, I've no idea who wrote that first definition but they obviously don't have as excellent a knowledge of Arrested Development as I do.

Anyway, things had fizzled - we've been together a long time, all our energy was spent dealing with the stresses of work and dancing lessons, and look at me for gods sakes. All the usual stuff that makes a couple less inclined to get jiggy with it (everyone dances, right?). I couldn't quite bring myself to ask the advice of any of my male friends - I get enough in the way of gay jibes as it is without admitting that I was finding it difficult to muster the energy to fuck a woman none of my mates can work out how I managed to pull - so I decided to seek professional help.

I had my doubts to begin with, which I seriously wish I'd heeded. Basically I was going to cough up my hard-earned in exchange for advice on how to cough up cock yoghurt from my hard-boned. Christ that was laboured. Sorry, everyone. I'll start again.

I had my doubts to begin with, which I seriously wish I'd heeded. Is paying a professional for sex advice tantamount to hiring a prostitute? Of course it fucking isn't, I hear you spluttering from behind your strawberry cream frappucino. But that's the sort of spent, frazzled headspace I was in. I was desperate to put the lead back in my pencil so I braced myself for the mockery, the embarrassment, the bill, and went to see a guidance counsellor.

The experience itself wasn't bad at all - my counsellor was very understanding, made lots of platitudes about how it happens to a lot of people, and gave me some unusual advice. Highly unusual, however I figured that was what I was paying for - thinking outside the box (hehehe). Newly determined to remind Ms Foxtrot of the man she was first attracted to all those years ago, I strode home and left her a message to meet me, when she got home from work, at a farm a few miles up the road (unlikely? I live in Norfolk. Thousands of the bastard things).

Things did not go as planned.

Ms Foxtrot entered the barn, presumably thoroughly excited by my note promising an atypical sexual adventure. I suppose she was expecting an al fresco roll in the hay. She was most distressed to find me oiling up a piece of farm machinery in a state of undress, performing a sexy striptease and eyeing up the exhaust pipe in a most unseemly fashion.

Apparently my explanation clarified matters but did not make things any more palatable. My counsellor's expensive advice was that in order to seduce Ms Foxtrot, I should do something sexy to a tractor.

I thank you
(, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 15:42, 5 replies)
You little bugger you.
You had me going then.
(, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 15:45, closed)
Gah you bastard
Though I'd add:
1) Anyone who calls sex "pop-pop" is a retarded cunt
2) Much like anyone who watches Arrested Development*
3) Or indeed anyone who listens to Arrested Development**
and 4) Anyone who goes in for dancing lessons deserves everything they get

* The shit TV show, not the shit band
** The shit band, not the shit TV show

(, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 16:39, closed)
Not as much of a retarded cunt as anyone who can't spell a simple word like "thought" though
(, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 16:44, closed)
Or retarded cunts who mistake the perfectly legitimate word "though" for the word "thought"?
(, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 16:47, closed)
Good save there
(, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 16:51, closed)
I'll admit you had me going until the last sentence
Well played

you cunt
(, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 16:53, closed)
Thank you
I am appalled at the idea that anyone could dislike Arrested Development* though. Or dancing. Take diff'rent strokes to move the world, I guess

*The awesome American TV show, not the shit American band
(, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 16:56, closed)
I was persuaded to go for salsa lessons when I was 19
(, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 16:59, closed)
Salsa's not dancing, it's just wiggling and twatting about
Although you sound like you enjoyed Salsa about as much as I enjoyed Yoga, so my chances of convincing you that Ballroom is a vastly superior discipline are probably very slim
(, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 17:01, closed)
I have the coordination of a broken toy robot
My sister's a dance teacher and she's tried to teach me many times

I'm quite resigned to the fact that it's never going to happen
(, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 17:08, closed)
I get the impression that you're pretty much at peace with this notion
Fair enough really, I realise it's not for everyone. At least you gay it a go rather than writing it off as "POOFY, INNIT" like most blokes
(, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 17:10, closed)
Nah man I really wish I could dance
but it's like trying to teach the Douglas Bader the long jump, sadly
(, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 17:15, closed)
It's a bit like fightin'
The only way to get better at it is to do it a lot. If you don't enjoy the practice then it's not for you, which is understandable. The best dancers make ridiculously complicated stuff look effortless, but I and my gammy knee can assure you it's not
(, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 17:18, closed)
GAY it a go?
You're not helping yourself, here.
(, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 18:24, closed)
I can't believe I did that
Frankly that's too funny to edit out
(, Fri 1 Oct 2010, 8:35, closed)
hook line and tractor ,
well done and click
(, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 16:40, closed)
bugger, got me
and i was just about to say maybe it was because the dog was watching
(, Thu 30 Sep 2010, 18:47, closed)
...I have no alternative but to click this.
(, Fri 1 Oct 2010, 11:18, closed)

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