Many many years ago in my youth in my local boozer.
There was a stuffed duckling that Sammy, one of the regulars, had bought for Reg, the landlord. Frogmorton, it was called. Anyway, some rotter nicked it one summer. Everyone was very upset, but totally perplexed as well as it was in plain sight when the pub was open and Reg kept the place locked up tight at night. The Fuzz were of no use, and the locals were nice people, but essentially dribbling, saddle-sniffing fools, so as the only remotely intelligent person in town I took it upon myself to solve the crime and recover Frogmorton.

I installed myself in the corner with my pint of Tribute and did my best to be inconspicuous as I listened to everyone around me. I pride myself on being observant and I learned a great deal that day. None of it, however, was pursuant to Frogmorton's disappearance, so I soon became bored and returned to my current project of the day, which was jacking up the vibration of my phone to tectonic levels for use as a sex aid in one of my many trysts.

An hour before closing, I spotted Horace, a drooling straggly fellow. He was as shifty-looking fellow, and would cringe visibly whenever the topic of Frogmorton was brought back to the fore.

"There's your man," thought I, and resolved to follow him.

Two hours later, after closing time and after tailing him on a frankly unpleasant and unnecessary course through the surrounding fields and villages, I found myself back where we started, peering over a post at Horace as he deftly broke into my local boozer. I followed him in. I realised at that moment that whatever happened now, if I was discovered here I'd be tarred with the same brush as Horace. I would have to be at my most crafty. For some reason I found the sense of danger arousing and, completely unbidden, I found myself cultivating a massive lob-on in my shorts. I tried to put it out of my mind and focus on the mission.

I turned the corner into the saloon bar and there was Horace, resplendent on the bar, fucking the hell out of the stuffed duckling that he'd been hiding behind the freezer.

"GOT YOU!" bellowed eight regulars plus Reg as they burst through the kitchen door.

"AHA!" I joined in, "the game's up you rotter! Put down the OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!" I squealed, spurting out rope after rope of gentleman's relish as I orgasmed violently.

As it happened, my tricked-out phone had been pressed snugly against my now-engorged bellend, and my mate Flobbo had chosen that precise moment to call me up with the go-karting scores.

Semen EVERYWHERE.

So I solved the crime, but was mercilessly ribbed for ages as the guy who spunks when men fuck stuffed ducks.

But it didn't matter so much as I was fired soon after for breaking the nose of some poor chap who was bad at maths and couldn't work out the right money to give me for his pint.
(Frank Snow, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 20:12, 15 replies)

This to win.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 20:31, closed)

hahaha
what the genius fuck?
(Raol Duke, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 20:36, closed)

Wow.
Fucking brilliant.
( 4Q just lurking, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 20:48, closed)

Made me chuckle :)

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 20:54, closed)

:)

( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Thu 13 Oct 2011, 20:57, closed)

i like this
and have caressed the appropriate nubbin-like device
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 21:02, closed)

suitable downward pressure I hope.

( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Thu 13 Oct 2011, 21:28, closed)

Winner.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 21:14, closed)

Bit early in the week for this sort of thing,
is it not?
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 21:31, closed)

I have a disease.

(Frank Snow, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 21:40, closed)

Fucking hell :D

( Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver I have very beautiful lips, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 22:06, closed)

Sweet Helen of Balls
Brilliant.

*click*
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Thu 13 Oct 2011, 23:28, closed)

Pure class.

( TFD is sporting this season's finest necropants, Fri 14 Oct 2011, 0:12, closed)

"gentleman's relish"
clickety-click
(McChinaman banned, Fri 14 Oct 2011, 4:01, closed)

Roffle..
Comedy threadjacking duckstuffing genius, with ropeloads of gentlemens relish on top.

Still, had you have just given the guy his twenty back, and taken the tenner instead, your career in alcoholic retail would have remained intact..

*double click FT (early) W.
(danniekavanagh did nothing constructive on, Sat 15 Oct 2011, 12:20, closed)