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This is a question The B3TA Detective Agency

Universalpsykopath tugs our coat and says: Tell us about your feats of deduction and the little mysteries you've solved. Alternatively, tell us about the simple, everyday things that mystified you for far too long.

(, Thu 13 Oct 2011, 12:52)
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i've worked out there are three ways you can miss your train...
Missing trains fascinates me. If I’m on the train sitting waiting for it to trundle off and a group of commuters miss it, if it’s in a busy station there is a very visible and collective reaction of ‘awfirfucksake’ quickly followed by ‘fine, so it’s a ten minute wait, see if I care’. However a lone traveler at a quiet outlying station missing a train becomes a tragedy of epic proportions. Maybe its because there’s usually a much longer wait for the next train, or maybe if your on your own its suddenly ‘your train’ the only hope. One of my favorite Fast Show skits showed a family desperately battering along in holiday attire dragging bags and cases –nothing was ever explained, no resolution was offered, nor required. As much as I could identify with their plight I was also happy to mock.

Aside from the schadenfreude (oh come on – you could be the nicest person alive but there is a certain smug pleasure in sitting on the very train some sad tardy schmuck has just missed. It’s the same as seeing someone in a suit soaked by a lorry rampaging through a puddle).

I used to commute from a wee rural station in Lanark to Glasgow. I’m always late. Maybe not so much late but I tend to cut it finer and finer until finally the luck runs out. There’s another small pleasure – strolling onto a train just as the doors start beeping. “Fuck yeah I’m cool” Although to be honest it was more often a very undignified dash where only the victory steps were strolled. Adults shouldn’t run. Not unless there are trophies involved. Particularly if you are in any way overweight or out of shape or are carrying a bag. You just look like a tit.

Over time I noticed there are three basic types of missed train melodramas.

1. Injustice: “How could this happen?” (The doors are sealed and its pulling away) “Oh no it can’t be true – all is lost” coupled with a look of tragic bewilderment.

2. Denial: “NO! You utter bastard – you DEFINITELY saw me and deliberately left ahead of schedule.” Minor tantrum ensues on platform. Letters of complaint are drafted.

3. Blame: “Oh well fucking done! You knew what time you had to be here and you fucked it up. Can’t even get on a bloody train on time. Well fucking thank you”.

Which brings me to my point. One day I dashed up the escalators to the low level trains at Argyle Street in Glasgow – is it just me or is it odd you descend one escalator then have to go back up another escalator to get to the platform?

I heard the doors beeping as I got to the top of the escalator. There was a throng of Denials and a few Blamers in front of me. The doors had started to close. The Injustice brigade had already started looking to each other for some sense to it all. A few had already begun tying yellow ribbons around the benches.

Not today I thought! I pushed through the fallen and bewildered and grabbed the closing doors. They didn’t stop closing.


Determined, I hopped onto the doorstep and for some reason began to Samson style, heave the doors apart. Suddenly I was a superhero tearing open an impregnable vault – steel plate ripping apart like wet paper. The smug brigade on the train mere inches from my face looked at me through the door windows wryly.

“Daft fucker’s missed his train”

But then a marvelous thing – the doors gave up. Folded, or more so unfolded. As I casually stepped into the newly conquered carriage, the doors snapped shut behind, leaving the bewildered and the damned on the platform – excluded and bereft.

In true Glasgow style a bloke casually turned to me and said:

“So how do you get aff mate – through the roof?”

That day I was (slightly) ahead!
(, Sun 16 Oct 2011, 1:31, 23 replies)
rather old pea BTW

(, Sun 16 Oct 2011, 1:40, closed)
i told my uncle this story when it was first posted
He grew up in and around Glasgow and used to be a door man at the locarno back in the day.

He nearly pissed himself laughing at the comment at the end.
(, Sun 16 Oct 2011, 7:19, closed)
i love the thought
someone has told some else one of my little anecdotes and they got a laugh from it, cheers OTT
(, Sun 16 Oct 2011, 10:31, closed)
As a regular commuter,
I feel strongly that there is a special place in hell reserved for people who are happy to delay 600 other people by fucking about with the doors because they think they are too important to wait for the next train.
(, Sun 16 Oct 2011, 8:38, closed)
That special place is Glasgow

(, Sun 16 Oct 2011, 9:32, closed)

(, Sun 16 Oct 2011, 9:37, closed)
I disagree
try Paris...
(, Sun 16 Oct 2011, 14:10, closed)
yeah, those 15 second door related delays are a bitch
they really spoil the whole unreliable, badly run, filthy, uncomfortable and dangerous public transportation system for everyone. you're right, i deserve a special place in hell. (if it's still running and a tramp hasn't pissed on the fires)
(, Sun 16 Oct 2011, 11:48, closed)
But it's indicative of a far wider problem.
The utter self absorption and selfishness, 'me first, fuck the rest of you' attitude so depressingly prevalent, 0f which you are so clearly a shining example.
(, Sun 16 Oct 2011, 12:15, closed)
possibly, but i'd personally rather bend a few rules and cut a few corners here and there...
than become a sanctimonious pompous drone.

Clearly you are a shining example of moral perfection. I'm happy for you, enjoy your croissant.
(, Sun 16 Oct 2011, 12:41, closed)
That's very kind of you.
I hope you have a good breakfast too. And, if I may add, a fine lunch and a wonderful dinner.
(, Sun 16 Oct 2011, 12:59, closed)
i accept your lunch and dinner
And raise you a once upon a time when, in glasgow central no less, i was directed by the board and an announcement to my train. I boarded like a good little commuter and waited for departure. instead the power in the carriage died and i was left there with a dozen or so other train proles locked on the train. Then through open windows we hear an announcement explaining that our delayed service would be leaving from 2 platforms along in five minutes. Everyone else was resigned to their fate before the end of the announcement. i on the other hand gave it three minutes. When nobody came to free us I hit the emergency door release and caught my train.

Now, the detective part comes when you investigate why i should give a fuck what your personal commuter manifesto says.

People fucking about with doors for kicks. Yeah, sure, feed them through a mincer. People trying to get from a to b against the odds. One does what one must.
(, Sun 16 Oct 2011, 16:32, closed)

When I commuted for a while last year, someone did this and managed to fuck the doors up, delaying everyone for 20mins while an engineer did some magic to them - on a packed commuter service. Given the delays it causes to following services, easily 1000 people had 20mins of their life wasted. So one bloke trying to save himself 7mins, manages to trash around 14 full days of human life. Good work!
(, Sun 16 Oct 2011, 13:54, closed)
for fucks sake, i cant believe what this forum has turned into
an anecdote about an isolated incident where some doors were closing on a train, they were briefly stopped from closing then train left on time. no one died.

maybe we should all just sit at home all day cocooned in bubble wrap wearing tin foil hats.

i suppose you drive everywhere at the speed limit, have never downloaded copyrighted material and have a fucking halo as well.

get a fucking life
(, Sun 16 Oct 2011, 14:07, closed)

I'm sorry, I forgot how incredibly edgy and cool it is to have no regard for the possible consequences of your actions on others, sorry for being so square.

In future I'll read more Bukowski and model myself on James Dean to inject the same devil-may-care swagger into my life
(, Sun 16 Oct 2011, 14:30, closed)
so you do drive everywhere at the speed limit then?
and have never done anything mildly irresponsible, spontaneous or illegal in any way.

does your holier-than-thou attitude not become slightly dented by being so judgemental and pious?

or are you just a hypocrite
(, Sun 16 Oct 2011, 14:38, closed)
I got the train into London last week.
Arrived on time and boarded the train without incident.

Is that the sort of story you were looking for?
(, Sun 16 Oct 2011, 19:20, closed)
I liked it

(, Mon 17 Oct 2011, 10:25, closed)
Maybe this would have been a better approach for me to take.
Just giving an example of why people who do this annoy me so much, rather than being as abrasive as I was. I mean, only someone pathetically thin skinned who is taking their internetting far to seriously could possibly give a narky dismissive reply to you, couldn't they?
(, Sun 16 Oct 2011, 14:37, closed)
blimey, competitive smugness

(, Sun 16 Oct 2011, 14:39, closed)
Argyle street is indeed a fucking wierd layout.

(, Sun 16 Oct 2011, 10:03, closed)
There's nothing worse than running all the way to Central, down to the low level, thinking you've made it
Only to see your train halfway down to Argyle Street.
(, Sun 16 Oct 2011, 15:18, closed)

There's nothing worse than running all the way to Central, down to the low level, thinking you've made it. Only to see your train halfway down to Argyle Street. living in Glasgow
(, Mon 17 Oct 2011, 0:16, closed)

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