flipper
i met a girl on the interweb once. we got chatting, nice girl... she gives me a number, and it doesnt take long for filth to ensue.

anyway we chat away for a couple of weeks, and i'm contemplating going to nail it (lived a few hours away), but first insist that she send me a letter, and enclose a few photographs.

letter arrives, i grab the pics before reading.

the first one, absolutely stunning, tanned, slim girl sunbathing in a bikini. *ping* There was a comment scrawled on the back, "Me on holiday couple of years ago"

the second one was a passport picture. It looked like somewhere between the two, she'd been paled in the face with a fucking shovel. Her kisser was a mess. The comment on the back? "Most recent pic"

I decided it would be best to let things fizzle out gently, rather than all-out insult the girl. I adopted this strategy, things were going well.

I then went for a camping weekend with some friends. She was texting me as usual, when i began boozing. I consumed copius amounts of Stella, vodka and weed, and go to sleep.

So I thought.

The next morning, I phone her up. She says, holding back the tears:
"You dont remember what you said to me last night, do you?"
"errr, no, why?"
"flipper with the fat fanny flaps, ring any bells?"
"lol, no..."
"you told me i had the ugliest face youve ever seen, and you'd never want to meet up with me at all"
"oh... i... erm"

At this point, hungover to fuck, not remembering any of this phone call, I'm trying to think if there's anyway possible I could still let her down gently. She interrupts my train of thought.

"so... did you mean it?"

*pause*

"yes"
(Carling, pint of, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 13:58, Reply)