Percy Sugden
One summer when I'd been really low after a fight between myself and my cat went a little too far(sorry Henry but it was either you or me), I was feeling really low and decided to try a little internet flirting - you know, to try and find a nice bird to stick it in.

So I logged in as Marzipan Fridge Magnet and let my magnetism and little pope-style-hat do its work.

Soon I had attracted a young sexy thing called 'filthy-margaret-69-with-pics-me-love-you-long-time' and we started to get it on. I made a suggestive remark about my blazer, she would respond with a saucy comment about me jizzing on her melons and we were away.

After about a month of this kind of cheekiness, we agreed to meet in a local park. I turned up and awaited my sexy young internet girlfriend.

Imagine my surprise when it turns out she'd misrepresented herself a little. She wasn't 16 with massive pert jugs and blonde hair at all - she was a little old man called Percy Sugden off the popular soap Coronation Street.

I decided to keep an open mind and went on the date anyway. Me and Percy went crown green bowling, then we had a game of dominoes in the pub and after that he suggested going back to his place to take it in turns to smoke his pipe. Well I turned this over in my mind and decided that I didnt want Percy to think I was easy but I was too keen on Percy to let this slip away from me.

So back at Percy's bungalow we're sitting there watching his favourite Antiques Roadshow video when he puts his arm around me and tries to catch a grope of my ribcage. The cheeky bastard! I stormed out of there in tears and vowed never to meet a stranger off the internet again.

I hear he's dead now so I regard the score has being settled.
(Andrew Avetoom, Sun 19 Mar 2006, 11:57, Reply)