I perform acts of impromptu revenge…

Tenuous, but it was at work…

The other morning, I was sat on the khazi, as you do…and I’d finished my unusually efficient ‘innards evacuation’ activity…without any disastrous calamity (for a change)…so was happily finishing a game of solitaire on my phone before meandering back to work…

Suddenly, I heard the sound of the toilet block door being hoofed open, quickly followed by the urgent clatter of hurried steps…somebody obviously had a ‘mole at the counter’ in quite a dire (and potentially catastrophic) way.

The next thing I heard was the door of the trap next to me being slammed shut…then my poor ears bore witness to the frenzied sounds of dunghampers being wrenched down, followed by the gurning exasperation of a man whose spluttering ringpiece was blasting forth death-defying decibels of defecation…it was an almost virtuoso musical impersonation of the eruption of ‘Mount Vesuvius’ performed on the solo bum-trumpet.

I placed my hands firmly over my ears as I heard splats ricocheting around the battered bowl, and suffered the din of a pitiful poo-perpetrator squirming on the seat, groaning, farting and running his hands down the wall panel as he tried to hold on for dear life through the sheer violence of this excessive excrement exorcism.

At this point, (mid-whimper) I recognised the voice – It was none other than Derek, the potbellied, bullying mongoloid with a face like a freshly felched fudge funnel…

The very same Derek, in fact, who thinks he’s a fucking ‘kung fu master’ just because he’s watched the ‘Transporter’ movies, and who went out of his way (without any provocation) to try and make me look like a sirloin cuntsteak in front of the board of directors at the last meeting we attended. We don’t know each other that well, but his smarmy, nasal whine is burned into my mind.

I continued wretching quietly to myself as his sphincter-numbing slurry-fest perpetuated mercilessly next door…then to my surprise I heard some of the sweetest, most beautiful sounds you can imagine following such carnage.

I heard the sound of someone reaching for the loo-roll, closely followed by the sound of an empty tube being spun about its holder…then the sorrowful groan from a total wankspanner of a bloke being rapidly plunged into darkest despair.

I checked my watch…and realised Derek was already late for a very important meeting. Also, I could barely comprehend how uncomfortable he must have been sat atop that mound of munting mess from his mutilated mud-oven.

Disclaimer: Now please believe me, beautiful b3tards, I’m normally quite a nice, amiable guy…but I think you’ll all agree that I have had more than my fair share of crapper-related mishaps and misery…besides…this bloke is a right cunt.

So now...it was PAYBACK TIME.

I patiently waited, until with cringing inevitability, I heard Derek’s voice, trembling with shame as he was forced to humbly request the kindness of a ‘stranger’ through the brown, gassy wisps that were now slowly relieving him of his life-force by way of painful suffocation…

Derek *knocks*: ‘Scuse me mate, pass us some paper under?’

I contemplated for a moment…then spitefully confidently replied:

‘No!’

…

Derek: ’Pardon?’

Me: ‘What? – are you deaf as well as disgusting? It’s not my fault if you didn’t check for bogroll before you decided to splatter the place, and befoul the whole area with your repugnant effluence…so NO!’

Derek: ’Well, erm…what am I supposed to do?’

Me: ‘Quite frankly that’s none of my concern. Now…If you don’t mind I’ll be on my way. Enjoy.’

Derek: ‘Oh god, mate, I’m desperate! P-p-p-pleeeeease?’

Me (putting on fake ‘friendly’ tone): ‘Awww …well…’

After a dramatic pause my voice changed to a more vicious snarl as I continued:

Me: ‘Fiver’.

Derek: ‘What?’

Me: ‘You heard me. Five.English.Pounds. Consider it a fine for your lack of foresight and adequate preparation…like an ‘Idiot Tax’. Give me a fiver and I’ll see what I can do’.

Derek: ‘Fuck Off!’

Me: ‘Fair enough. Not my problem boyo. I’ll just inform the board that you won’t be attending the meeting then…(Here I start to whistle with an attempt at ‘menacing nonchalance’)

Derek: ‘Are you joking?.....Awww come on?’

Me: ‘Don’t ‘Awww come on’ with me, matey….and you’d better make your mind up quick…the price is going up…’

Derek: ‘Oh my GOD!’

After a brief pause I then heard the sound of tutting and mumbling, before a begrudged rummaging of clothes, and to my utter disbelief, a wrinkled up five pound note was coyly pushed under the side panel towards me.

He must have been really desperate.

Even though I was initially staggered at his submissive behaviour, It only served to spur me on.

Me: ‘There you go…now that wasn’t so difficult now was it?’

And with that, I tore off one single square of bogroll and slipped it back under the cubicle wall.

Derek: ‘Wha….? Is that it?’

Me: ‘Well, you didn’t stipulate exactly how much bogroll you would be requiring, did you?’

Derek: ‘*whimper* oh bloody hell…ok then …*sigh*. Could I have lots more please?’

Me (cheerily): ‘Noooo problem………that'll be another fiver’

Derek: ‘Oh for fuck’s sake!…But I haven’t got any more money’

Me: ‘Oh dear….*tuts* Oh dear oh dear…You haven’t learned a thing, have you?‘

And with that, I promptly begin to make my way out…making deliberate ‘step’ sounds towards the door…pretending to abandon Derek in his rancid honk-hovel.

Derek (with an audibly increased state of panic): ‘Oh god mate…don’t be like that…help us….please mate…..mate?......MAAAAATE!?!!”

I then heard his whimpers turned to sniffs, then mumbles of ‘oh-god-oh-god-oh-god' to himself…as he struggled to comprehend his options.

(I, meanwhile, became increasingly and joyously aware that he was just as afraid of toilet-related embarrassment as I was).

I then also realised that it actually wouldn’t be too long before someone else turned up to use the facilities...and whoever arrived would no doubt help him out, so I decided to bring my fun to an end.

As a final act, I walked back towards his cubicle and knocked on the door…

Me: ‘Alright then, cunt-face, I’ll let you off. Be more careful in future’.

With relief ebbing from his words he courteously gasped: ‘Oh, cheers pal’.

I then pushed his five pound note back under the door and said: ‘There you go…You can wipe your arse on that!’

At this point Derek let out a sigh so pathetic that it reverberated around the cold toilet tiles…and I just couldn’t stand anymore…I burst out laughing, then relented, handing him a big wadge of the precious poo-wipe-paper which he had coveted for so long.

And you know what?…deep down…I don’t think I’m really cut out for that kind of behaviour…If it hadn’t been for B3ta, I probably wouldn’t have done anything…

so I blame you lot – my conscience is clear…sort of…this time anyway.

But just in case…I’ll still hang on to that ticket to Hell…

( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 9 Jan 2009, 12:57, 20 replies)

FTW!

(twiceydrinker hmmm is it pint time?, Fri 9 Jan 2009, 13:01, closed)

I would've gone to every cubicle and removed every loo roll I could find
and chucked them. Pompous prick; every time you would've seen him walking rather awkwardly around the office that day, you would've known that he was spreading bum-goo around those cheeks of his.

EDIT Awesome btw, *clicks*
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 9 Jan 2009, 13:03, closed)

you evil evil bastard!
but i would do the same thing clickety
(D-Fenz Who put bacon in the soap?, Fri 9 Jan 2009, 13:06, closed)

OMG!
I was routing for him by the end of the story.

Keep that ticket to hell, you might need it one day to wipe your arse : )
( girlinthehole, Fri 9 Jan 2009, 13:19, closed)

Sweet!
I would have chucked him some of my own 'used' paper though if he is such a twunt.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Fri 9 Jan 2009, 13:20, closed)

This.
There is one man above all my ex-colleagues, comrades and co-workers I wish I could have enjoyed a moment of power like this with.

Amusingly enough, his surname sounded a lot like "Anus".

Thank you Pooflake for filling my mind with joyous mental imagery.

*Edit* "Pooflake has posted - clickly" is becoming a Pavlovain response. It's never undeserved. You bastard ;-)
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 9 Jan 2009, 13:38, closed)

I had a schoolfriend whose name sounded like "Anus"
So that was the name we gave him - and he happily adopted it.

He used to introduce himself to strangers by saying, "Hello, my name's Richard. But my friends call me bottom."
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 9 Jan 2009, 14:13, closed)

Thinking out of the box
... the way out of this is to live dangerously and clean up with your kecks and go commando for the rest of the day.

Which just goes to show his lack of ability as a manager.

*click*
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Fri 9 Jan 2009, 13:38, closed)

A Scarily Monumental Scatalogical Memoir.
*Click*
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 9 Jan 2009, 13:51, closed)

One of the best yet.
*clicks to death*
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 9 Jan 2009, 14:12, closed)

*Click!*
'nuff said, really...

Agree with Mr Duck, why didn't he go commando?
(Beer Elf Thought this was like a campfire, anyhow, on, Fri 9 Jan 2009, 14:20, closed)

I've thought about that...

I reckon there's a couple of possibilities:

1. He was already commando...*shudder*

2. He's the kind of twunt who wears ridiculously overpriced scuds and didn't want to dispense with them at any cost (quite likely)

3. He is simply as thick as pig shit and never thought of it. (incredibly likely)

Also, I now kind of wish he had done something like that...would've been great for blackmail purposes when the fetid disaster was finally discovered...

hey ho
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 9 Jan 2009, 14:37, closed)

Joy!
I knew I was in for a treat when I started to read this, and I wasn't mistaken! I especially love the alliteration ;)
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 9 Jan 2009, 15:06, closed)

you've won again
*clicks*
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Fri 9 Jan 2009, 15:09, closed)

2009 is going to be
a vintage year for you, I think.

And of course, *click*
( chart cat has an itch, Fri 9 Jan 2009, 16:23, closed)

*click*
Best post yet. Deffo.
(Davethefan began lurking again on or around, Fri 9 Jan 2009, 20:20, closed)

You've outdone yourself - again!
I was wondering where you'd got to, then you go and post another winner. Top work!
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 9 Jan 2009, 20:27, closed)

Another delightful piece Mr Flake
If this doesn't win I will chew my armpits out.
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Sat 10 Jan 2009, 12:58, closed)

The continuing adventures of Indiana Pooflake...
...and The Ballcock of Doom.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Sat 10 Jan 2009, 17:19, closed)

Heh...
I agree with the Scaryduck.

But would have also chucked every roll into the loo before skipping out of the bog giggling like a girl.

*click*
( snee held his breath since, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 16:14, closed)