Tales From The Football Days......
When I left school I was awarded an apprenticeship with a football club. For obvious reasons I can’t disclose which club, what I will say though, is, it was a professional club, but wasn’t a particularly high profile one, and the town it was in was quite possibly where the earth ends. I mean, I was getting a train home one day when a stranger stopped me in the street. ‘Your not from round here are you mate?’ said a gentleman wearing various bits of sporting attire. ‘No’ I said back, to which he decided to reply in a physical form as oppose to the verbal form I was used to. In other words he knocked my fucking tooth out of my face, the big, dirty northern Neanderthal cunt pig.

Anyway, as trainees we wasn’t fortunate enough to be pandered to in the same way trainees would be at Manchester United, Arsenal or Liverpool. And general bullying seemed perfectly acceptable from day one. We have all heard of initiation rituals when starting a new job. On the first day, new boy makes the tea, go to the shed and get me some sky hooks, do you have a left handed screwdriver etc etc. In other words, the usual banter and general tomfoolery you get in the workplace. However, my initiation at this football club was a little different to say the least. First of all, all sixteen of us were locked into a tiny room, no bigger than 15 feet x 8 feet. In pairs we were given boxing gloves and were forced to fight one another, at which point we were still complete strangers. I ended up fighting some guy who was at least a foot bigger than me, and it was fair to say, he gave me a proper dead leg in the face.

After this beating and humiliation we were forced to stand in a room with the first team members. At this point we were alone and didn’t have our new and freshly beaten up team mates by our sides for moral support. We were then forced to sing a song at the top of our voice. If the first team decided your effort wasn’t good enough we would then have to pull our trousers round our ankles and have sex with a bench. Of course, no matter how good the effort was, it was never quite good enough. So here I am, on the first day of my football career, I’m bollock naked, fucking a changing room bench with a black eye. It has to be said, I have had better and more attractive moments.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. Although in the modern day game apprentices were not meant to do general chores like mop the changing room floors, clean the toilets, make first team players tea etc, this particular club made us do all of this stuff. So when the first team had finished at two o’clock, we would have to do all the chores, and get the place spotless for the next day. This would normally take an hour or so, which meant we had roughly two hours to kill before the coach would come and inspect what we had done and deemed it acceptable (thinking about it, this was more like being in the army than a football team).

During this two hours I saw some of the most horrific, violent, homo-erotic shit going. Imagine a dinner party around a conservative members house (or park) and your not far off. One particular lad took flack for heavy bullying. They used to rub deep heat down his foreskin, round his arsehole and then round his mouth. There was a small boot room with no windows, so when you turned the lights off you could literally see nothing. They used to send this lad into the room, and one lad used to go in with him and pin him down. Randomly one of us would have to go into the room and then slap him around the head with your cock, and then he had to guess who it was.

The ringleader was actually good friends with me (thank God) and wouldn’t pick on me, but some of the shit he used to do was cringe worthy. For instance he had a pretty big dick, we all knew this because we obviously showered together. During one of hour spouts of boredom, one guy asked him how big he was erect. I thought he would just say, oh 10” but no, that was too simple. He had to show us. So there I am, watching a 19 year old bloke have a wank in front of fifteen other men. I then had to drowned in my own inferiority as his dick was so big you could have probably tattooed, ‘I have a dick the size of an extremely large telegraph pole’ on the side, in Times New Roman on size 36. Then, I had to watch while five or six of the other lads poked it and admired it.

Also, back to the dark room. The ring leader used to send three people in there at a time to fight in the dark and see how long they would survive. I saw one lad have to go to hospital, where he had 7 stitches and had to be treated with concussion. We then had to explain to the gaffa how is star man had slipped and cut his head and as a result had to miss the biggest game of the season.

The thing is, during the height of this boredom, we were genuinely enjoying the things we were doing. Looking back now, I feel a tiny part of me may have died in the 12 months I was there. It was fucking gay, but it was fucking hilarious though.

Hope you enjoyed a wee bit of an insight into what football is really like at grass roots level.
(Sir_Digby_Chicken_Caeser [email protected], Mon 12 Jan 2009, 20:21, 5 replies)

WTF??
Were you all on steroids? That's far worse than the tales I've heard from ex-army guys.

Horrific behaviour.. shockingly primitive. Surely amazing no-one ratted you all out.
(raymond "three griddle pans" luxury yacht lovin' the christmas action, Mon 12 Jan 2009, 22:09, closed)

Sounds like...
my school days to me, never did me any harm... any harm, harm... Hick
(feedingtimeatthezoo day 1 of his bikini diet started, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 0:32, closed)

I've got wood
*click*
(Caveat Emptor, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 1:04, closed)

,,,
So this is why you're not half bad at killing Zombies in the dark at Left 4 Dead...
(Schumann makes awesome quiches., Tue 13 Jan 2009, 9:38, closed)

That is
Pretty incredable.

*Click*
(ShitBitch, Tue 13 Jan 2009, 12:16, closed)