Allotment of doom
Whenever Mrs Grimsdale sees me baulk at some expense that we need to shell out for, like curtains, for example, you can bet your booties that she'll come back with: "You can hardly complain - what about that allotment?"

OK, fair cop. It must have been autumn 2004 that we decided to get an allotment. We had a tiny back yard which got hardly any sun and I bought 'How to grow your own vegetables' from the bookshop. What more did we need? We visited the local site, which had a lovely position overlooking York Racecourse, nestled close to the College of Law. At the far end of the site was a whole row of plots that seemed not to have been used for decades. The only crops that grew in abundance were blackberries and nettles. We made enquiries and agreed to take on a double plot near a tap with great open views and no neighbours. As you may know, we're both hermits.

The main problem with the whole site is the infestation of rabbits. All the successful plots had metal shuttering fences and chicken wire to keep the pesky brutes out. Undaunted, I contacted an old mate from my BTCV days (British Trust for Conservation Volunteers). I found out all I needed to about rabbit-proofing and we agreed to get BTCV in to erect the fence. At the time I had a big old Volvo estate and, after measuring up, I took it to a fencing supplier for a load of round wooden posts, fencing wire, chicken wire, fixings and all the other stuff that would be needed. The back seats were down and we just managed to get it all in, though the longest posts (for the corners) stuck out the back. This little lot set us back a couple of hundred and the BTCV also charged for the work - a couple of days it took, but by the end we had a rabbit-proof enclosure to rival any.

Mrs G drew up the plan for the plot. Two round beds with a figure-of-eight path etc. etc. The plot sloped down towards the racecourse, but I levelled off an area at the top and laid some concrete slabs on a bed of sharp sand/cement, and grouted between them with mortar. On this, we erected a shed. We'd already put in a door with a padlock and a chicken wire 'draught-excluder' to stop the rabbits sneaking under, and there was another padlock on the shed door.

During that winter we had a huge fire of all burnable material. We cut turf for the paths, laid breathable, weed-suppressing membrane and laid bark chippings over that. We bought hedging plants and planted a small hedge against the bottom fence. We had two fisherman's chairs and we'd spend happy hours sitting in them sipping coffee from a flask. We began prepping the beds for growing real things, but meanwhile, there were birds, flowers, and apple tree in the next plot, lupins everywhere, bluebells. There was no real urgency...

2005 was the year that Royal Ascot came to York. Before it, a migrant worker turned up with a tent and pitched it just next to our plot. He liked the tap and the location, which was quiet and pretty well hidden from everyone else. He was nice enough as migrants go; he had a sad story of divorce, drink, ruin. The main problem was...we didn't want to talk to him. We wanted to go to our plot for peace and quiet, to get away from everyone else. To chill. Mrs G wouldn't go there on her own anymore as she felt very exposed and isolated with this possibly unstable, though outwardly just sad and lonely bloke camping on the doorstep.

Then, with the races, more migrants came with tents. Cider tins and campfires. Toilet paper.

We went there less and less. The nettles benefitted from our absence and re-established themselves.

One Sunday morning, we went along there and someone had pulled over our shed. Our seven foot by five foot shed. On its front, on the ground.

We just about managed to get it upright again, but the magic had already gone. That autumn, we decided not to renew our tenancy and we abandoned the project.

The next year we moved from York to a house with a garden and we chalked it down to experience.



I looked in on the site last year. All of the plots are taken now. All are rabbit-proofed and producing tons of veg and fruit. We were ahead of the curve - just too far ahead of it to gain any benefit whatsoever.

Oh well, that's life.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 15:07, 15 replies)

That's sad, another good thing ruined by OTHER PEOPLE
I grow a few vegetables in my back garden, my main problems are invasive grass and a legion of slugs & snails that turn up every night.

Still, my runner beans were a success this year.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 15:12, closed)

always a pleasure to read your stuff Che

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 15:15, closed)

You should have torched that cunts tent the minute he set up near you.
(The Boy Monders I have ginger bits in my beard., Wed 9 Dec 2009, 15:36, closed)

I have a couple of raised beds in my garden
...they're about 2m long, 0.75m wide, 0.75m high.

I never have any problems with rabbits, despite there being a wild one (or two) living in my garden. I can only assume that the height of the beds puts them off.

I grow peas, lettuces, carrots, spring onions, strabs, etc with very little effort. The carrots in particular actually have some taste, rather than that crap you get from the shops.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 9 Dec 2009, 15:43, closed)

can't beat veg straight from the garden
I've grown some successful aubergines and butternut squash this year. carrots and lettuce were good too.

millions of cherry tomatoes as well
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 15:52, closed)

Thanks folks
I've come to the conclusion that I'm just not green-fingered. I've managed a bit of garlic and picked some rhubarb that was already planted, but apart from that, nothing. I'm good at planting trees.

I'm much better at the hard-landscaping bit, don't mind digging, but I've not the patience, or maybe ability for plants. Mrs G's fingers are greener than the jolly green giant, but she prefers flowering plants and shrubs.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 15:55, closed)

I'm the same. I did the sculpting and landscaping
and I cut the grass. The mrs is in charge of the veg. fortunately she prefers those to growing flowers.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 16:02, closed)

My Mrs has a double plot (fnnarr)
...and she's always nipping round to dig some spuds. This year we (and I mean "we" in a very loose way) had bumper crop of pumpkins, butternut squash, corgettes, strong red onions, carrots, potatoes, grapes. The best was the garlic - she threw some away because it was too garlicky!
( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 16:06, closed)

Too garlicky?
THERE IS NO SUCH THING
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 16:23, closed)

+3
I've erected a concrete post and heavy duty wood panel fence all round my garden, completely levelled it the back and built a substantial patio, put in concrete edging strips at the front and lowered the front lawn to match etc., but can I grow anything and keep it alive? Can I Billy Buggery.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Thu 10 Dec 2009, 9:51, closed)

.
Thats a sad story. My allotment victories this year are parsnips and courgettes.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 17:22, closed)

parsnips are total win
they even win in a world that contains Jaffa Cakes
( Mighty Nibus who dares gins | @nibus, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 18:03, closed)

It should be the allotment of doooooooooom.
Gives it more punch.
( girlinthehole, Wed 9 Dec 2009, 20:10, closed)

At least you got one
Theres a 6 yr wait for an allotment where i live.
Resorted to growing veggies in buckets in the front garden.
Did ok apart from the sweetcorn, only one cob on each plant which ended up as baby sweetcorn tunnels of love for woodlice.
24 plants and a harvest of about 2 inches of one cob that wasnt riddled with woodlice.
And that got fed to my ratties.
On the upside though i was giving away lettuces to random passers by
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Thu 10 Dec 2009, 0:15, closed)

BTCV for the win
Not BTCV London Weekend by any chance?
(Psymon_Spark Jesus Saves! The rest of you take 4d6 damage, Thu 10 Dec 2009, 10:22, closed)