Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as
"cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through
Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one
of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat
doesn't seem to quite get the point of cybersex. Then again, maybe he
does...

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I
work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36.
What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a
pair
of blue sweat pants I just bought from WalMart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt
with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner... it smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK.

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo
and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes,
smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle
your
huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off
my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole
in
your blouse. I'm sorry.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft
breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do
you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing
the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My
nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the
clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue
all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts.
They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your
ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my
blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a
plop.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard
tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and
out nibbling on you... umm... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through
the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed aching for you.

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And
now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the
bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately - our naked bodies
pressing each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses
on
the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and
toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the
toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I
can't find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry
again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my... you know... thing... in your...
you
know... woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your
neck.
Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it
another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my
face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy.
I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my
underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm
feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames
and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our
candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a
shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!


Sweetheart: (logged off)
(countwilfredthehairy i wasn't born to live, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:06, 13 replies)

I think you're doing qotw wrong

( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:09, closed)

Yep
I only managed to knock one out to this
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:13, closed)

is this worth reading?

(waxdart hello., Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:28, closed)

Nah, just a do-over of Bloodninja.

( jim_bob can herd cats., Fri 16 Jul 2010, 13:36, closed)

Ah Bloodninja
now he's a legend of the internets
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 16:14, closed)

I saw this in a shit email doing the rounds
Years ago
(M61A1 CUPID- STUNTS, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 14:13, closed)

Well I thought it was funny anyway...
...but I'm not clicking as its not your story. :)
(IChewCandlewax, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 14:19, closed)

ditto
I think the poster should put: "Do not click, I nicked this from another site" at the start.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 14:31, closed)

it probably has been on some other sites, i got it in an email about 7 years ago. I'm sure you will be leaving similar messages to the person who got it wrong by not just blowing the bloody doors off, I mean, it must be Michael Caine who posted that otherwise surely that's not right to post something that's not new.

If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all
(countwilfredthehairy i wasn't born to live, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 14:52, closed)

There's a difference between
referencing a well known quote in a post and passing off someone elses work as your own. The norm is to say somewhere in your post "not my words" or "I found this" or whatever. I'm registering very low on my giveafuckometer so don't get too upset.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Fri 16 Jul 2010, 21:12, closed)

fair point
(countwilfredthehairy i wasn't born to live, Sat 17 Jul 2010, 8:19, closed)

Damn- I clicked before realising this. *Unclick* I suppose
(Skeuomorph, Sat 17 Jul 2010, 10:13, closed)

I put on my robe and wizard hat

( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Sat 17 Jul 2010, 0:18, closed)