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I'm getting you exactly what you got me for my 20th

(I helped save b3ta! Master Of Turnips. Only gays and morons believe in ghosts., Mon 11 May 2009, 13:07, archived) 

for ($i = 1; false; $i++) 
{
  $suffix = "th";
  if (substr($i, -1) == "1") $suffix = "st";
  if (substr($i, -1) == "2") $suffix = "nd";
  if (substr($i, -1) == "3") $suffix = "rd";
 
  echo "What are you going to get me on my " . $i . $suffix . "?";
  echo "Exactly what you got me on my " . $i . $suffx . ".";
}

(I helped save b3ta! Jenk Neptune is a pedant and now I can't fit my sig in, Mon 11 May 2009, 13:11, archived)
You've missed out an if statement
for if my age is less or more than the birthday being mentioned.
(I helped save b3ta! Master Of Turnips. Only gays and morons believe in ghosts., Mon 11 May 2009, 13:13, archived) 

if ($jenk->cares())
{
  // ha.. never gonna happen
}

(I helped save b3ta! Jenk Neptune is a pedant and now I can't fit my sig in, Mon 11 May 2009, 13:17, archived)
Too busy being a nonce, eh Jenk?

(I helped save b3ta! BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Mon 11 May 2009, 13:22, archived)