I'm not sure that worked out quite as intended.
Anybody seen any decent films lately? Lucy is absolute shite.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 1 Sep 2014, 20:12, 22 replies)

Albert, if you're in Miami then how come you've been using a UK internet connection?

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 1 Sep 2014, 19:43, 49 replies)

bedroom talk
During a hot pre-coital confession session with my beloved,I happened to mention what would really turn me on.
" I want you to be a dirty slut," I whispered.
" OK Babe, if that's what you want," was her excited reply.
That was nine years ago.

She hasn't done a stroke of housework since.

Filthy bitch.
(mallyjoe, Mon 1 Sep 2014, 18:03, 4 replies)

I knew someone called Mrs Pat Twaddle.
Of course the obvious Spoonerism soon becomes engrained and almost impossible to not call her ...

Spoonerisms aside, the pretentious witch insisted that her name was pronounced, Pat Chweidell
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Mon 1 Sep 2014, 15:31, 2 replies)

Watching Man vs Food
and the bloke on the show battling his way through 7lbs worth of burger... Wife pipes up and says "£7 that's cheap for all that food"
( arsefez is back, Mon 1 Sep 2014, 13:53, 101 replies)

I called Mr Burnhole in from the waiting room, imagine my embarrassment when I found out I'd misread his name and it was actually Mr Bumhole!

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 1 Sep 2014, 12:45, 1 reply)

I was 6 and I broke my arm by falling off a moving barrel.
Doctor told my parents my cast would have to stay on for "4 to 6 weeks".
"Fourtysix weeks!?" I bellowed as I burst into tears.
The end.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Mon 1 Sep 2014, 10:06, 4 replies)

Many years ago
a mate of mine was convinced that Prefab Sprout were singing "Have a cookie" instead of "Albuquerque".
(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Mon 1 Sep 2014, 9:52, 6 replies)

I got a rolex last week
from the lesbians who live next door.

I guess they misheard when I said I wanna watch.
(MrTeapot hasn't played with himself since, Mon 1 Sep 2014, 8:29, 5 replies)

The Madonna post below reminded me of this one
Went to see the Levellers in Shepherd's Bush a few years back and outside at the cashpoint I was talking with my better half about slightly mishearing the lyrics to one of their songs when the guy behind us nudged me and said, "I'm sorry but I have to share this."

One of his mates had been going to see the Levellers for years but it was only the night before this gig when they'd sat down with a few beers and put the CD on that they realised he thought the lyrics to (arguably) their most famous song's chorus went "There's only one ray of light".
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 1 Sep 2014, 7:53, 7 replies)

Shameless pearost
My sister and nephew came to visit me when I was a student in the fair city of Stirling. I took them to the obligatory visit to Stirling Castle, and we walked from the town centre to the top of the hill upon which the castle looms. My nephew was only five at the time, and found this rather a trek. My sister and I kept encouraging him saying "We'll soon be there!" and "You'll see the castle soon!" and "It's an amazing castle, you'll love it!"

When we got to the top of the hill, you see the great courtyard and behind that the restored splendour of the castle itself, with its elaborate facade with gargoyles and sinister looking mythical creatures. My nephew burst into tears.

"Oh, oh, what's wrong?" I asked, all concerned.

Sobs, tears. "I THOUGHT IT WAS A BOUNCY CASTLE!"
(McChinaman banned, Mon 1 Sep 2014, 7:07, 3 replies)

Fan da man
When I lived in Greenwich a few years ago, a dearth of decent local hairdressers saw me resort to the occasional trim at Fan the barber's on East Greenwich High Rd, near where I lived. I think he's still there.

Fan was a short, fat Chinese barber - good in an emergency but rudimentary in the extreme in almost every way. Bare shop - one barber's chair, two or three seats for waiting, none of your magazine shit here. Curtain across a doorway for the back of the shop, nothing on the walls. This was, without a doubt, a no-frills haircutting operation - also reflected in the price.

But most rudimentary of all was Fan's command of the English language - he was stereotypically Charlie Chan-like to a bizarre degree. Simple communication beyond basic barbershop terminology required such effort that any conversation soon ground to a bemused halt. One of the reasons I liked going there was, in fact, the distinct lack of insincere enquiries about holidays and shit.

One visit I was foolhardy enough to attempt further communication with Fan and as soon as the scissors were waving around my head I said to him 'So Fan - what've you been up to then?'

'Oh, good, good', he retorted. 'I go ho'lay'.

This is progress. 'Holidays,' I say. 'Where to - anywhere nice?'

Big mistake.'No', says Fan. 'Not ho'lay - ho'lay!'

Already I'm floundering. 'What - you went home?', I say, guessing wildly.

'Noooo, HO'LAY!', he repeats, staring at me like I'm an idiot. Which I really am for starting this fucking conversation in the first place.

This continues for what seems like an eternity, with each of us getting more exasperated (him) and looking like a complete cunt (me) with each failed interpretation I make.

It only reaches its climax when Fan starts bounding around the empty shop like a kangaroo, hands outstretched before him, screaming: 'NO, NO - I GO HO'LAY! HO'LAY!'

Well, how was I to know that once a week Fan the barber dressed up in jodhpurs, boots and a riding hat and went horse riding, on a mangy horse somewhere in a field in Charlton?

When I finally figured it out, the haircut continued in complete silence, as if nothing had happened.
(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Mon 1 Sep 2014, 2:43, 6 replies)

Central line to Epping
In Essex, elocution and pronunciation can be marred by the vernacular and accent. Anyway, as i was gassing with a pretty brunette i asked her if she was looking forward to the weekend. She replied that the weekend starts with anal. Assuming this forward unexpected statement was an invitation to a friendly flirty banter, I added well up the bum, no babies. She looked stunned and fell silent. we spent the rest of the journey together feeling uncomfortable, not knowing where we stood with each other, such an abrupt crash in our conversation made the silence echo in the sunny tube train.

she got off at hainault
(englishwineguy, Sun 31 Aug 2014, 21:03, 2 replies)

DJ Flavours - Your caress 1997
This year I leaned the lyrics are "Just give me, a little"

Not "John scared me, a little"

Makes much more sense.

17 years later..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_BT6wvqMdr8

CHOON!
(Frample Tromwibbler climbs an obstacle like old people fuck, Sun 31 Aug 2014, 20:52, 1 reply)

Madonna
I though the ray of light song was about Anna Friel
( Signify, Sun 31 Aug 2014, 20:30, 1 reply)

Arsehole titties
So...there was a TV chef show on in the background, a french sauce-related expert, (roux or blanc, I forget).

Context is key.

"Have you checked arsehole titties?" He asked.

Keep saying it in a French accent till you get it. Or not, if you have other stuff to get on with.
(Countryslicker, Sun 31 Aug 2014, 17:04, 4 replies)

When I was 18, I got my first job in a pub
After a few nights, I was starting to get the hang of it. Then this guy came in and said, "have you got any Flowers?"

What a retard, I thought. I looked around the bar, just to be sure. "There's a woman who comes in at about 9 most evenings, selling roses," I offered, promptly sealing my fate as the village idiot barmaid for the next 2 months...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 31 Aug 2014, 12:13, 39 replies)

"whos dropped one?"
was the exclamation uttered by one of my grandparents.
"I'll pick it up", I replied.
(gearanach #wankwankwank, Sun 31 Aug 2014, 12:07, Reply)

The Gap
I once took my step daughter to London for a nice day out.
We did the usual tourist bits, had a nice lunch, traveled the tube and had a great time.
On the train home she suddenly burst into tears when I asked her if she'd had a nice time.
"We didn't find the gap. The man on the underground train told us we should find the gap and we didn't!"
Me pissing myself didn't seem to cheer her up at all.
( monkeyboyalpha jumping on the bandwagon since, Sun 31 Aug 2014, 12:03, 2 replies)

"It just fucking IS, O.K.???"
Years ago I used to work as an admin assistant at this company where the receptionist was never at her fucking desk, so I used to end up doing her job as well as mine (this continued even after I got promoted to internal sales, because the new admin assistant also got pissed off with doing 2 people's jobs, and sensibly used any excuse she could to not be at her desk).

One day this call came in. "Good morning, could I speak to Wendy please?"

"Certainly. Can I ask who's calling, please?"

"It's Sarah from P.M.T."

"Er, P.M.T.?" I asked, incredulous. I wanted to make sure I got this absolutely right, as I thought that just couldn't be it. I mean, there was a shop near where I lived with that name (it stood for Pro Music Tech and sold a fantastic range of guitars, amps, etc.)...but Wendy was in charge of all our shipping; not the sort of woman you'd picture running around a stage shredding like a motherfucker.

"Yes, that's right."

"Sarah from P.M.T.?"

"Yes, P.M.T., that's right."

"O.K., I won't keep you a second *puts on hold*. Wendy, I've got Sarah from...P.M.T.???...on the phone. She's asking for you."

"P.M.T.???"

"Yeah, I've double-checked - P.M.T."

So I put the call through to Wendy, and it turns out that Sarah was in fact calling from T.N.T., the rather well-known delivery company. In my defence, 99% of the time we used U.P.S. or Amtrak, and I very rarely spoke to other couriers.

I tried not to look as embarrassed as I felt...after all, I did check that I wasn't just hearing things - plus, Sarah confirmed and so I tried to justify my being retarded on this particular occasion. I've never, before or since, had any other experience of two people mis-hearing each other in the same conversation.

One of my other colleagues overheard all this, and asked me if Sarah had been irate when she spoke to me.

Yeah, I suppose you really had to be there.
(TheAmazingMeatMan ™ can't sing, but he's got soul, Sun 31 Aug 2014, 6:41, 2 replies)

So...
apparently, it was a Taffy pulling contest at St Peter's...
(thanatos, Sun 31 Aug 2014, 3:49, Reply)

We were eating pizza next to a pool in Malta
we were discussing trying new things to eat with my then 10yr old son. I was explaining how its fun to eat new foods when on holiday etc.

Quite out of the blue - he peps up with " Whats donkey Semen"

I nearly choked on my slice of margherita. Before i could answer - i could see how the cogs had worked in his head, and how someone being slagged off in his school had led to quite an uncomfortable scenario at the poolside.

Naturally i shirked it off with the simple "thats one for when your a bit older." and tried to hide my bursting smirk hiding behind the pint glass resting on my bottom lip.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Sun 31 Aug 2014, 0:41, 3 replies)

True Story
One of our co-workers was disciplined at work when porn was found in his internet cache. This was a real surprise, as he was 63 and didn't seem that type. His explanation was he'd been searching for a wedding gift for his wife, and genuinely had no idea that "pearl necklace" had different connotations on the internet.

This became an office meme for two years until he retired. When he walked past anyone's desk, us witty lot would turn to each other and loudly say things like "I was surfing on the internet a while ago and innocently typed in 'rampant horny dwarf scat pics' ... imagine my surprise ...' etc.
(jrd, Sat 30 Aug 2014, 21:46, Reply)

Ta-Dah!!
Whilst making my way home from work, my very tired (not drunk, just knackered) brain saw a fast-food place advertising 'Chips with Pizzazz!'. As I'm trying to imagine chips with glitter and dancing girls and wondering whether I should try this, an exasperated neuron pointed out that it said 'Pizzas!' and that I was a twat. I concurred and went home. I would say I lived happily ever after, but that's not happened yet...
(thebadangel, Sat 30 Aug 2014, 20:42, 1 reply)

I live in Glasgow.
I can't understand a word that any of the cunts say.
(Roger McGough-Pipe, Sat 30 Aug 2014, 20:08, 10 replies)

Naive GF
Christmas dinner last year, after all the turkey had been nommed, and the Xmas pud laid to rest, my darling girlfriend loudly said " I'd best clean all this, it looks like a glory hole".

I had to take her away from sniggering family members and friends to explain what a glory hole actually was.

She was oddly quiet for a few hours.....

Bless.

Noosey.
(Noosepeg Muff punched your grandma, Sat 30 Aug 2014, 18:17, 13 replies)

She's an onion
When my daughter was six, she came home from school singing 'Stand up, stand up for Jesus' as they'd learnt it that day.

I told her she must have misheard - it wasn't Jesus, it was cheeses. And so it stayed.
(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Sat 30 Aug 2014, 18:12, 8 replies)

Tape recorder
Parents asked if I wanted a recorder for my birthday so I was looking forward to taping songs from the radio etc.

I was disappointed to receive a gimpy woodwind instrument. I couldn't even use it as a pea shooter as it had these holes in it.
( Signify, Sat 30 Aug 2014, 17:06, Reply)