Kind of a backwards one...
My mate sent me one Christmas Eve, telling me how much he liked me, thought I was special and wanted to spend as much time as possible with me. It was meant for my little sister. That was a fun post-Xmas pub conversation.
( Rev. A-MOL is lurking around these parts again, Thu 26 May 2005, 16:36, Reply)

D'oh...
As posted to the QOTW suggestions page...

After spending what can only be described as an extremely sordid night with a sexy (and as it turned out utterly filthy) young lady called Gemma, I decided to cheer her up during a bad day at work the next day by sending a text message detailing all everything I was intent on doing to her the next time I got my hands on her. Graphically.

Grandma was not amused to receive this. Not fully understanding it and seeking guidance as to the meaning of some of the content, neither was my mother. I still haven't heard the last of this from a couple of years ago and my gran won't sit next to me at family events any more. Presumably concerned I'll be trying to roger her up the bum.

I bet my grandma got up to plenty bloody worse once upon a time...
( dan j the filthy bastard, Thu 26 May 2005, 16:31, Reply)

Some tossers supplying my company...
... used to give the worst service I've ever had the displeasure to encounter in my working life. They ran a "helpline" for us, but they'd tell our customers to piss off, swear at them and tell them to buy our rivals products. Not good.
My boss and I were trying to figure out how to kick them out without them turning our helpline number into a porn line, and he asked me to send him their contact details.
I found one of their emails to us and clicked "reply all", wrote "here you go boss! Notice how the wanker can't even be bothered to spell my name right - why the feck do we pay them for this paltry service?" and clicked send...

...ooops.
They sent a long and involved email about their excellent service, etc, etc. We just stopped paying them and redirected the helpline after all.
( no cake for the impuritay Patrick Stewart hasn't aged since, Thu 26 May 2005, 16:30, Reply)

blimey
there isn't half some cunts on this board nowadays...

edit: oops!
(sunny chiba, Thu 26 May 2005, 16:28, Reply)

A while ago..
..so I'm meeting up with a girl that I met in the local club while quite drunk. The only way that I knew who it was I was ment to say 'Hello again!' was to go to the bar and not look at anyone till I had a tap on the shoulder.

I get a tap and spin round to come to face with a stunning girl with a body to die for - not believing my luck we retire to table and spend hours in great convo.

Later she goes to the bar and I use the opportunity to start bragging to my mates - being very expressive about both her looks and how it is now my lifes mission to sleep with her. I press send just as she returns and look at the message 'Sent to Hannah (fit girl)'.
AAAAGH!
I have no choice but to wait till she receives it and snatch it before she does. Some how I manage this and blag a cover.

She accepted my half baked story and we went on long enough for me to find out that she is a crazy ego mad bitch - she's still my fuk buddy now! yay!
apologies for lent and birth
( PhoenixBlend, Thu 26 May 2005, 16:26, Reply)

I once
walked passed a girl in the street who had a lovely pair of norks. So i innocently thought to myself how much i'd like to place myself amongst them and have a swift rummage.
Next thing my head is on the receiving end of a handbag being swung at speed. - Turns out shes bloody telepathic.
Then, before i can stop myself i suddenly imagine myself 'going downstairs' and having a hearty jostle with her dangly ham; then before i know it i've had the sharp end of a high heeled shoe rammed up my arse.

Fucking alien mekon bitch.

note: above story maybe a tad false
(nappy rash, Thu 26 May 2005, 16:26, Reply)

omigod.......
I once sent a text to my mate who sits opposite me at work containing the phrase " I can't wait to fuck you" intended for new g/f. Needless to say we don't talk much anymore........it wouldn't have been so bad if I could have dodged him for a few weeks but he sat right opposite me.

It still makes me clench my arse with embarrassment even now.
(myohmy, Thu 26 May 2005, 16:25, Reply)

ahhh...first job in college
..working as a flash animator for online greeting cards. My boss, "Menka," was an Indian twat (as in red dot, not feather) who liked leaving her desk and talking to the hot white men all the time (she ended up hooking one of the rich ones as a husband of course). I needed her to give me my assignment for the day. I sat there with nothing to do. Everyone was chatting on ICQ...my boyfriend (at the time) and his best friend sat in the cubes behind me. I sent "Menka" an ICQ: "hi! please come by my desk with the latest assignment sheets when you're done. thanks"

then I sent a message to my boyfriend, who also thought Menka was a twat. "Fuck Menka. I have been trying to talk to her ALL morning. WTF?"

*blink blink* OH, SHIT. I had sent the message to MENKA, not my boyfriend. OOPS. I rushed over to her desk and it FIGURES that she would decide to come back to her seat NOW, catching me trying to delete her ICQ logs..

"what are you doing?"
"um."
She grabs the mouse, reads my message.
"Fuck Menka?"
"heh?" I figured I was totally fired. Everyone was staring. My boyfriend hid under his desk.
She dug a red-laquered claw into my chest as she laughed, "HAHA! FUCK YOU! so anyway, here's today's assignment.."

...I think the only thing that saved my ass that day was the fact that I was the best artist in the building and they couldn't afford to lose me. That day I learned to TRIPLE CHECK every message I send that's even REMOTELY insulting to someone else, and I learned that I'm basically a rock star and I can treat everyone like shit because I'm a hot chick who draws well. My parents were pissed...they spent 20 years trying to beat the ego out of me.
(Ambassador Strangelove COVERED IN PORK, Thu 26 May 2005, 16:24, Reply)

Munchkin
A friend of mine calls an ex of mine The Munchkin, as she is quite small. And the one time I refered to her as this, I stupidly sent a text to her by mistake saying something along the lines of 'its the Munchkin's birthday, so we're going to..'.

So of course, I was accused of using this name, even though this was the first time I'd ever said it.
( Mr Gimpson Wolfguts, Thu 26 May 2005, 16:22, Reply)

Working on a mailshot system
...for a client, in my first month on my first job out of university. I decided to send some test data through it first, and selected Edgar Allen Poe's "The Pit and the Pendulum".

Unfortunately, the code I had written to activate "test mode" was not working.

By the time I realised and shut down the mail queue, the poem had gone out to thousands of customers...
(gavD, Thu 26 May 2005, 16:22, Reply)

Not long ago I had just sent an email to my g/f

then shortly afterwards I had to send one to a work colleague I only vaquely know.

I of course was still in g/f email mode and signed it of with lots of kisses and an "I love you"

That onosecond for me lasted about 5 minutes as I sat there not knowing what to do. So I quickly sent another explaining what had happened. She never responded to that email at all and now everytime I see her all I can think of is the email, and I KNOW she is thinking exactly the same thing.
( Danblez, Thu 26 May 2005, 15:59, Reply)

BT's Message to Voice conversion
At the time when Bo Selecta was at the height of it's popularity, and the phrase 'you fooking minge tease' was all the rage between my mates, one boredom filled night I decided to send a message to my mate, the ironically coined 'Birdy'.

Having unwittingly sent it to his home phone number (under the same name as his mobile number), he told me the day after that his mum had picked up the phone to hear the electronic female's voice saying the retrospecitvely-shite phrase.

A nervous drive home ensued, with the occasional glance fro his mum in the carefully-positioned mirror of the car and the embarrased snigger from me.

Funny how this stemmed about 3 months of 'your mum insults between our 'circle' and the fact that she is a minge tease.
(b34ch3r, Thu 26 May 2005, 15:53, Reply)

let me count the ways...
1. The time I got drunk and sent a text reading 'you're lovely, I love you' in a friendly, jokey way to my brand new boyfriend, who freaked and dumped me the next day (which was christmas)
2. The time I sent a text to my friend in Spain about her new boyfriend which read "shag him sideways, girl", before realising I'd sent it to her old UK mobile which her mum had taken over
3. The time I sent a valentines chocolate to myself at school (other people were doing it too, in my defence) and got teased mercilessly all day when other kids found out and they'd all recieved more than one. Do the maths.
4. I have a horrible confession I could make but just can't face doing it.

No apologies for length, I have better ones involving emails and actual letters but the pain is so fresh...
(niceandwarmandhot vive la résistance, Thu 26 May 2005, 15:51, Reply)

Take it apart
A couple of years ago, having a drunken s3x-text session with a doe-eyed bird from the office while on the bus home I got to the point with the mobile I had at the time of being so damn quick selecting the recipient and sending it off that it was actually faster than the phone could cope with.

So my reply to her asking if I'd be into a 'Menage a trois' (all bull5hit of course - chance would be a fecking fine thing) was sent to my g/f in error.

The Onosecond if run in slow motion would have been as follows (adopts a deep time-stretched slo-mo voice)

0.25 - Seeeeennnnnddd
0.50 - Shhhhiiiiiiiitttttt!!!
0.75 - Senddddding SMS.....
1.00 - Taaake the bacccck offf the fuuuccckkkiingggg phoooonnnnneeee.

Yup, I did the only thing possible at the time and removed the back off the phone including the battery. I thankfully stopped the message from going. I checked the g/f's phone when I got home, she was asleep, there were no new messages. Unless of course she'd got the message, deleted it, filed it away in her little black book and then pretended she was asleep. Anyway, too much detail.

Bless - i'm such a bastard.
(declan_m, Thu 26 May 2005, 15:43, Reply)

Office Voicemail
As usualm nothing to do with me but...

Whilst working at an ex employer a couple had one night decided to return to the office for some hanky panky fun.

Said pair are frollicking on the desk when the phone comes off the hook and records the entire inccident to ALL voicemail boxes.

rather ammusing sight as everyone turns upto work in the morning to check their voicemail :-)

Ben
(benoh, Thu 26 May 2005, 15:42, Reply)

just last week in fact
kind of sent a message to my mate sayin "you're so beautiful" in a confidence-booster. however, i text her so much and was thinking of my gf at the same time. bad idea. had to convince my gf i was texting my cousin - which makes me seem like some kinda of insestuous pervert - it was the only way she wouldn't get jealous. after 4 sexless weeks, we're fine now :-D (could have been worse - could have been 5!)
(5ifty0, Thu 26 May 2005, 15:40, Reply)

Pearly Pearl / Pearl Assurance Mishap
Bit of a long convoluted story this, so apologies for length/girth.
A good mate of mine had been over to France and got me a couple of cases of cheap plonk. When I asked him what I owed him, he hadn't worked it out and said he would send me "an invoice". Whilst on the phone discussing this transaction we were talking about a new Spam filter which our IT department had installed and how there were some peculiar words that were filtered out of emails. Particular examples were "Cock Master" and "Rimjaw" - all of which were a great source of mirth.
So my wine supplier obviously went away and did a fine job of knocking up a bogus invoice for Fatty's Wine Importers Ltd which included an invoice value for 12 Bottles of maison de Cockmaster and 24 bottles of Chateau de Rimjaw. Gleefully he typed in "Pearl" to his email address book and hits send......
A few minutes later, all hell breaks loose. My mate had not long started a new job at some IT support organistaion which had a major contract with Pearl Assurance. Little did he know but his invoice had winged its way to over 5000 recipients as far apart as LA and Sydney.
The head of Pearl's IT Security was soon on the blower querying why his entire organisation had a silly invoice for a couple of dozen bottles of nasty sounding booze.
(Pearly Pearl, Thu 26 May 2005, 15:39, Reply)

Fake onosecond
Someone I know was trying to get rid of a certain minger who had been annoying people for some time recently and was planning to force herself on us at an upcoming social event. (not like that, you dirty bugger, if it was like that we would have been holed up with artillery and air support). So he goes onto MSN, gets talking to her and then says 'Fuck off back to Russia you ugly shemale whore . . . . . . . . . oh shit sorry i think someone came in while i was out and sent that'. She didn't buy it, but she got the message.

There was also the time about 4 years ago when I sent an email to someone in my department saying it would be a good time to bury bad news. I never lived that one down . . .
(Radio Free iPods "Fickt nicht mit dem Raketenmensch!", Thu 26 May 2005, 15:33, Reply)

Having Two People Called Richard On Your Phone
Is not generally a terribly bad thing.

However, when one is a horny teenage guy you're planning to meet up with for sex.. and the other is your homophobic boss at work, this becomes slightly more dodgy.

Adding excessive alcohol to the equation, can if you're not careful result in you pouring out your feelings to your superior, wishing to engage in gay oral sex, and some hot kinky bondage.

You have no idea how long it takes to tell everyone that someone else sent it as a joke (for this was my alibi), when everyone is singing alternative lyrics to the YMCA in your face.

Bastards.
( MCQ Cartoons n' shit: bagowank.com, Thu 26 May 2005, 15:28, Reply)

Sheer Ecstacy
Off me nut on pills having a home night one time. Thought it would be wise to take various compromising photos of me and mates with various poses of totally fuckedness! Then sent the photos with the caption "Taking pills makes you a better person"...

Then proceeded to e-mail it to my Mum and Dad in NZ. Had to call my sister and get her to drive the 25 minutes to my M+D's house and login to their computer to delete the photo prior to them seeing it....more like a mongosecond that one!
(essbeenz there done that, Thu 26 May 2005, 15:27, Reply)

Vicious revenge
Another one that starts with "Not me but..."

This happened a few years ago at work. There's this girl who's still in her first three month probabation period (and sadly no good at her job) and she's having some sort of back-and-forth private email conversation with some guy she got off with the previous night. They talked about all sorts of things including how much she hated the bosses at the company... (I didn't see the mails so can only pontificate on this)

Somewhere along the way the conversation must have turned sour because the guy at the other end gets the hump about something, looks up the various bosses emails on the company's website and forwards her mail with the controversial comments directly to each and every superior of hers

That day was her last day which was pretty harsh in one way considering it wasn't her fault they got it but hell - she was a crap employee and the company had been looking for a way to 'let her go' anyway.
( LittlePixel, Thu 26 May 2005, 15:26, Reply)

And another one.
Was at college doing IT, my friend had just tought me to use winpopup.

now, instead of sending it to the username. i thought i'd sent it to everyone. thinking that 'everyone' meant everyone in the room.

turns out 'everyone' means everyone on the network. the network being the whole college.

the message included some not very nice things about the college and my tutor.
( Snorty McBumhole YouTube.com/MinistryOfGeeks, Thu 26 May 2005, 15:21, Reply)

Not quite legit, but not bad.
This is more verbal than e-mail. Saying things when you don't realise who's listening (and for how long). I do it so often that I have a humourous little disclaimer afterwards to cushion the blow: 'sorry, I suffer from acute foot in mouth disease'.

Anyway, not even the foot in mouth quip could get me out of this. Boarding school, as you all probably know by now. This year, a load of girls come in. One particularly unattractive girl, let's call her Olga, decided she was going to make advances on me at the start of the year. Luckily, a friend is now going out with her (though he can't stop her wearing short skirts and sitting with her legs WIDE open). Poor sod. Anyway, I digress; I was playing pool one day with a friend, and describing to him a particularly bad bout of Olgic advances that had befallen me that day: 'I hate it when she pushes her thigh up against my arse and presses her breast into my shoulder!' Luckily it wasn't her who had magically appeared when I turned around (though it would have stopped later attempts), but my female housemaster. I said hello with a cheery grin, she was kind enough not to enquire further. I still find myself wondering if she knew whom I was talking about, and quite how much she heard. Perhaps I will never know...

Giles, if you read this, get your girlfriend to:

a) Not wear short skirts. Especially if she favours the 'open-leg' school of sitting.

b) Not wear see-through tops, with buttons several inches apart so that, when standing on one side of her, you can see right through. Particularly in combination with floral print bras.

Of course, a wonderful case of the onosecond was if Giles (or indeed Olga) were to read this just after it was posted. I hope that won't happen. Though it may stop the flashing. *vomits* Vote for me, I'm mentally scarred.

EDIT: This Olga is the same minger about whom 'how can ye have any pudding if ye don't eat yer meat' is talking. There you go Jamie, I dumped you in the shit. Oops.
(Mr_Jums, Thu 26 May 2005, 15:19, Reply)

a very big isp..
...that my friend works at had a rather funny event a few years back. 2 people who worked there were well-known to be having a rather 'fruity' relationship, with maybe a bit of action in her office being on the cards at times.....

The lady was a manager and mass mailed round some general restructing info, and how people should contact her for some things not others now.

Her lover replied with 'Excellent. Do I still come to you for biscuits and blowjobs?'. What a lovely message - so lovely in fact that his fingers felt inclined to click 'reply to all' and sent it around the entire office, which included over 100 support staff.

Excellent.
( FinestLittleSpace, Thu 26 May 2005, 15:11, Reply)

Bringing down the capitalists
Now I must apologise since this is not something I'm actually regretting (not yet anyway) But since I found it mildly amusing I think you all will too. Its email related so stick with it... or skip. Its up to you!

I finished my degree and set about making myself useful in the working world. Since my degree was about as useful as one in basket weaving i soon found myself in a local call centre. Apparently after 2 weeks training I was able to chat to idiots (general public) about financial matters such as peps and ISA's. The bosses were chuffing irritating to say the least and wanted explanations to why my lunch break was 1 minute too long!?! Over a period of 8 months I was well and truly cheesed off with the place, and with a place at a new Uni for another (more vocational) course i thought why not email my views to everyone on my last day!

Said day arrived and true to my word and encouraged by a long suffering colleague I sent an email to every mail group i could find both in the company and all subsidiary companies that fell under the organisations banner. Once sent I left rather swiftly to avoid any un-pleasantries that would no doubt arise.

Apparently 5:05 and 2 security guards turn up at my desk to escort me off the premises. 2 days later I get a call from Adecco temping agency (who originally found me the job before I got a permanent contract) to tell me in no uncertain terms that they wouldn't be using me anymore. I'm also not allowed back to the largest employer in the whole of Peterboroughshire and wont be asking for a reference. Still i no longer live there and no longer care

Length and relevance... I cannot apologise enough!!!
(The Duke of Pontefract, Thu 26 May 2005, 15:09, Reply)

What I go to school for.
Was in one of those group conversations with me and a couple of mates. M'friend Cat was going on about a teacher - who I shall call Mr Wilson - she fancies, and in another window a friend who was also in the group conversation went "Who's Mr Wilson?"

I accidentally typed into the group convo: "Oh, this teacher Cat flirts with, it's a bit obssessive and weird, but it floats her boat." She was none too impressed.

Another group conversation with more participants than I could fit on the screen went like this:

Reid: I'm glad that cunt Luke isn't here
Luke: ...
( Reid got it going on like Donkey Kong, Thu 26 May 2005, 15:04, Reply)

Networks & Routers
When fucking around with the config on routers attached to the live network, some of which may well be physically hundreds or thousands of miles away, it's always disheartening when after entering a command you don't get a prompt back. It generally means you've just broken the route between you and said device.

As this is never done intentionally, you might not be surprised to learn that it often means you've fucked up connectivity for a large number of irate people.

Interestingly, the software seems to know what it feels like to make this sort of error, as occasionally it will leave you waiting a few seconds before printing the prompt - for no apparent reason. Chain of thought: "tum tum tu... oh, fuck, comeoncomeon, what'd I do? Ohthankfuckforthat!"
( wangmaster2000, Thu 26 May 2005, 15:03, Reply)

texting while driving..
A girl from work sent me a picture of her new vibrator. So while driving I replied with something like " wow, I really want to see you play with that while you suck me off " all using the best driving text skills ever seen.. Then for some reason I selected my girlfriend in the phone book and sent it to her instead… the onosecond hit, and I was forced into making up a creative explanation involving watching a vibrator review on sex tips for girls on channel 4, sending her the picture, blaming 02 for her not receiving the picture , then having to be enthusiastic in bed for a week..
(japper, Thu 26 May 2005, 14:59, Reply)

Business Email
Sent an business email with my at the time tagline at the end, which was

"10 pints of lager, a curry, a club, a fight, a shag and home"

Think i got away with it (no-one ever complained)
(loquis, Thu 26 May 2005, 14:58, Reply)