Mr Cakelady
once sneezed and accidentally headbutted his desk.

Or so I'm told. I didn't see this, unfortunately.
( cakelady, Thu 21 Jan 2010, 15:43, Reply)

Kitten slippage
I've recently aquired me 1st family pet, which is an 8 week old kitten called Pepper. I did post a picture of him the other week but I'm not going to do that again as the fucker is too sickeningly cute to stomach.

The other morning I was up early on a non-work day so what with nothing better to do I stuck the Xbox on. Playing something like Modern Warfare 2 I was joined by the company of Pepper who started attacking my feet (little bastard, fecking hurts too). I shake him off and focus on the game, and Pepper goes for an explore.

He climbs up on a hi-fi unit and walks across the top of it until he reaches the telly. The TV itself is on it's own cabinet, and as it's an old 32"er (not even widescreen, let alone flatscreen) it's taking up most of the walking room for Pepper. So Pepper is sheepishly swiping at the edge of the TV cabinet which is about 2 inches off the edge of the hi-fi cabinet.

Pepper stretches towards the TV....then slips. His head slides down behind the gap and his body dangles and flaps about in front of the TV. Pepper freaks, "MEEEEEEEEEEEEEOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWOWOWOWOWWWWWWWWWWWWEMEEE", slashing and swinging everywhere, all I could see was a white fluff tantrum freaking out while trying to get his head out of this gap.

I had to do it. I stood up quickly and stuck my hand under him to pick him up and slot his head safely out above the cabinet, but it was too late. By the time I'd freed him he'd sliced 10 shades of red out of my hand. Hurt like a fecker too. Stupid dopey violent ball of fluff.

He doesn't explore near the TV anymore after that.

PS okay, get ready to say awwwww;

( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 21 Jan 2010, 15:42, 5 replies)

Mrs Vagabond is quite a light sleeper, and has the reflexes of a ninja.
We spent the night drinking 'round her mate's at a flat-warming, and in the morning, I awoke, I lay there and started the businesslike process of assessing the room, how I'd got there, and whether or not I was hungover, still drunk, or, indeed, alive.

Her mate crept in, and, not noticing I was awake, leaned right up in Mrs Vagabond's face, and said loudly "BOO!"

The sound of their heads clunking together as Mrs V jumped in fear and her mate likewise is still a source of joy for me today.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 21 Jan 2010, 15:42, Reply)

Oh well if we're doing YouTube links of pratfalls
then this
www.youtube.com/watch?v=ivvTmcDlS1I&feature=related
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 21 Jan 2010, 15:39, Reply)

Just a brief one
I saw a lady slip on a actual banana skin the other day.

This was on the same day that I had a dentist appointment at 2:30.

I was grinning like a loon all day long.
(Reverend Samson Fapohunda B3tan, B3tan, B3tan, B3tan, Thu 21 Jan 2010, 15:38, Reply)

Twice the Prat
Not about me but instead my brother. One afternoon he was with his mate, who took it upon himself to kick the tyres of every posh looking car parked on the road (he had recently been let go from work, hence the general well-placed anger at those who decide that a nice ostentatious show of money was required). My brother yelled at him over his shoulder to stop, turned around and walked straight into a lamp-post.

A couple of months later he was telling a different mate about this…and walked into a set of traffic lights during the story. Classic.
(satanstolemyteddybear Mu hõljuk on angerjaid täis, Thu 21 Jan 2010, 15:38, Reply)

I go to a gym
Yes, yes really I do. Well OK, sometimes. Rarely. Once this year. Alright fuck off now!

Anyway, my gym is a fairly top end establishment (if I am going to avoid going anywhere, I will at least avoid going somewhere with class). Unfortunately, it is also inhabited by those irretrievable cunts, the yummy mummy and satanic offspring. I swear to God, when the revolution comes, they will be first against the wall.

One day, I visited the gym. Having no spawn of my own, I have no ready reckoning on when half term is, other than it is one of the few weeks when I can get home from work without being cut up by some fuckspanner in a Volvo XC90. So I decided to head to the gym to bust some abs. Or should that me pound some glutes? Who cares...

As I walk in, I notice a workman fixing the automatic glass doors between reception and the bar (now can we see why I use this gym?) which have been out of order for months. They are fully open and he's doing something technical involving the windy mechanism. So anyway, off I trot, get changed, get sweaty and tired out, then leave the changing room to do some exercise (changing room lolz!)

Afterwards, I decide a nice cup of coffee and maybe some pastry based goodness will sustain me, so I sit on one of the nice sofas with a newspaper and my beverage. Unfortunately, a gaggle of MILFITFWALHs (Mothers I'd Like to Fuck In The Face With A Large Hammer) are sitting chatting away completely oblivious to the terror their crotchfruit are causing, running around the place like utter, utter cunts.

After about 10 minutes of this, my blood pressure is starting to raise. Then, one of the little fucks does something that made me wash my nostrils with latte: they ran clean into the newly repaired, and now newly closed, automatic doors. The noise made can best be described thus:

THOOOIIIIIIIIINNNNGNGNGNNGNGNNGG

SCCCCREEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAACHHHHHHHHHHH

as the child does a comedy slide to the bottom of the doors where he/she/it lies in an inbred, snotty, waily heap, calling for mummy/nanny/Juanita.

All funny, but the funniest bit is when the workman, sitting on a chair having a cup of tea and reading the Sun, gets up, walks over to the door, gets out a small screwdriver and twiddles something, at which stage the doors spring open, and the child falls further to the floor.

Pure comedy.
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Thu 21 Jan 2010, 15:38, 3 replies)

Gotta be my favourite Youtube video:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oq5xUwU8m0k
( Turquoise Hexagon Sun has just dropped acid on, Thu 21 Jan 2010, 15:33, 2 replies)

The squash-racket cyclist spang.
I've posted this before on \talk, but fuck it, you lot can have it too.

this story is from my postdoc at UCL, many years ago. Well, about 6. UCL has some squash courts on Huntley St, and to get there from the Biochem Eng buildings you must cross Gower St at Torrington Place. Gower St is a three lane, one-way, southbound road that is parallel to Tottenham Court Road. Of this information, only the three-lane, one way part of it is important.

Two colleagues of mine were wandering back from from a squash game when I spied them on the other side of Gower St and shouted a suggestion of a beer. As good pedestrians (fuck it, it was rush hour) they waited for the lights to change and crossed on the green man. At this point the game was still apparently being dissected. One of them decides to demonstrate a particularly beautiful backhand. Just as a cyclist, approaching through the stationary traffic between lanes 1 and 2, decides "fuck it, red lights don't apply to me, I'm a cyclist!" and jumps the lights..... racket straight in the face. I swear it lifted him clean off his bike. It certainly dumped him in a bloody and broken heap on the floor in the middle of the junction.

I'm still giggling slightly now, the fucking idiot. An actual Spang. In my mind, it made that noise. I think it might of actually been more of a crunch in real life though.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 21 Jan 2010, 15:23, 5 replies)

When I still lived with my parents
Me mam's alarm clock wasn't working so she asked me dad to wake her up at 8 o'clock.

He did this with a metal tea tray and a wooden spoon, right by her ear.

"WAKEY WAKEY!!!" BANG BANG BANG BANG!

He kept his distance from her for a week after that, she was livid.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 21 Jan 2010, 15:23, 1 reply)

Yesterday evening
I was in the living room, and Mrs SLVA was in the kitchen which overlooks the street. She called through, "Come and have a look at this outside, quick"
So I dashed through to the kitchen and my shirt snagged on the door-handle and ripped it almost clean off my back leaving it hanging from one shoulder before it dropped to the kitchen floor in tatters.
"Aargh!" I growled in annoyance as I quite liked that shirt.
She looked at me and with a straight face said;
"I used to like The Incredible Hulk but you've ruined it for me now.
My eldest son however, who was also present, had to lean over the sink so the tea he was drinking could drain from his nose.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 21 Jan 2010, 15:13, 2 replies)

Huh? Where are the brakes on this thing? Etc.
During the heady days of University, I was at my (then) girlfriend's house, unsuccessfully trying to worm my worm into her frigid panties (it was not a long relationship), when that familiar time came for me to fuck off home.

So instead of getting to know her insides, I prepared to head out at 2am in the rain on a not inconsiderable walk home when lo and behold, one of her housemates offers me her bike to use, hallejulah!

As I sped my way down the sizeable hill, revelling in the lack of traffic and the rush of the cool air on my unfulfilled trouser-engorgement, I came to take the corner at the bottom of her road and discovered to my horror that this 'bike' had no brakes.

There was a brief moment of weightlessness where I realised that my face was about to make rapid and painful contact with tarmac, followed shortly by my face making rapid and painful contact with tarmac.

I lay in the road for a while, mainly swearing, my primary concern being 'what the fuck does my face look like?' before sullenly cycling and swearing my way the rest of the way home.

I awoke the next day and surveyed the damage. I had managed to smear blood over most of the surfaces of my house, and for the next month or so I had to wonderfully prominent scabs where my two front teeth smashed into my face, and I looked like a right pillock. I still have little scars there.
( SigmaX0 Dear Die Hard. You rock!, Thu 21 Jan 2010, 15:01, 1 reply)

Ouch
Before we start, you should know that I'm 6'3 and quite burly (read: a bit fat)

Some years ago, friends and I were watching England get knocked out of the world cup on penalties.

Oh well, never mind, lets get lashed.

Some drinks too many, we were walking to the taxi rank, whereupon I spotted a large piece of rolled up paper on the floor. Perhaps it was the wrapping from some chips, I'm not sure.

"This is how you take a penalty lads" my mouth uttered, almost of its own accord.

I took a suitably impressive run up.

It had been raining, and the ground was a little slippery, but that's no excuse for my lack of grace and elegance.

I kicked the paper with the sort of power that would make Zeus jealous. The paper moved about one meter, and my momentum slid my other foot out from under me and my not inconsiderable frame descended earthwards at some speed.

My reactions were so dulled with ale, that I didn't manage to get my hands out to break my fall, so my elbow had to do it instead.

It's the most painful thing I've ever experienced. My arm was actually broken (well, cracked), although I didn't find that out for another day.

I thought my "friends" were literally going to explode from laughing so much.
(thefuckestuppest cheapened this, on, Thu 21 Jan 2010, 14:54, 1 reply)

Idiot meets bicycle
A few years ago (was probably 16 at the time) I'd planned to meet a few mates in the city centre for a day of shopping (or most likely arseing about as we had no money) and I decided to bike rather than take the bus.

My bike had a puncture, so I nicked my younger brother's bike, which was a bit too short, but not uncomfortably so and so I went on my way.

I soon came to learn that the brakes weren't in the best condition, which is to say they didn't work at all.

Most of the journey was uphill, so the brakes weren't really needed, but the main road into the city centre was slightly downhill. By this point I had forgotten about the brake problem and began to pick up a bit of speed, when I spied my mates. "OI! Wankers!" I shouted very wittily.

It was at this point I remembered that I needed to stop....with no brakes....on a hill, so I was only going to end up going faster if I carried on.

Panic began to set in as I saw a queue of traffic a few hundred yards ahead. "SHIT! What do I do now?!" I silently asked my brain. Brain responded with the best answer he could think of...jam your foot in between the front wheel and the forks! "Genius" thought I, "thanks brain".

The journey over the handlebars was a short one, before I knew what had happened I was laying in the road, flat on my back, which had been protected by the backpack I was wearing.

My dear friends figured that pointing and laughing was the best way to make sure I was OK (which I was) because apparently I had done a full somersault and barely avoided landing head first on the tarmac.
(porkinator is a Rock n Roll nerd!, Thu 21 Jan 2010, 14:45, Reply)

Sadly another repost - but a fucking cracker, nonetheless.
A not-so-bright lad from my home town, called Bungle, was larking about with his pals in a local copse one day, when, for reasons unknown, decided he was going to have a shit from up in a tree. In front of said pals.

He sat on a branch, dropped his trousers and underpants, hung his arse over the back of the branch and proceeded to deliver his payload.

Sadly at the crucial moment his balance faltered, and to correct this he swang his legs back just in time to catch the turd in his pants.

He then fell out of the tree and ended up in a shitty heap on the ground below, to howls of laughter from his audience.

Poor old Bungle.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 21 Jan 2010, 14:33, 1 reply)

Repost
Not me but a friend of mine.

He had just got back from a nice two week stay in the Canary Islands and had picked up a pretty impressive tan that he thought the ladies would love.
On his way out of the terminal he notices two rather attractive ladies. A perfect test to try out his new look. He strolls over to the pair looking really cool and sophisticated and after a couple of minutes gets both phone numbers, result.
He then started to finally make his way out of the building and as he was walking backwards waving goodbye to the couple he fails to notice the stairs leading down the ground floor.
He went arse over tit and broke his arm in two places. As a bonus his new friends did administer first aid until the ambulance arrived.
( Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Thu 21 Jan 2010, 14:31, Reply)

A Cautionary Tale

Waterford City: 2am or so. A large, well-refreshed gentleman queues in a kebab shop pondering the fluorescent menu before him as the queue moves gently along to the hits of the day spewing out over tinny speakers. His brave fellows queue behind him, not pondering the fluorescent menu. They are resolved it is to be a kebab and chips redeems them after the short stroll to their hotel.

The large, well-refreshed gentlemans’ eyes hit upon satisfactory fayre as he approaches the counter. He orders, “CHICKEN BAGUETTE AND CHIPS PLEASE!” then giggling, adds, in a whisper, “chicken baguette and chips please”. He places his right index finger over his pursed lips. He is the first to leave the fine establishment where he has acquired his nocturnal sustenance. His brave fellows follow him with their brown-bagged prizes.

The large, well-refreshed gentlemans’ fayre did not come in similar brown baggery but a polystyrene flip-top box accompanied by wooden fork. Steadying himself, he flipped open its’ top and pondered his delicious chicken baguette nestling in chips like a babe in swaddling. He jabbed at a chip or two with his wooden fork then pushed them into his gurning fizzog.

Replacing the fork, he then balanced the entirety on one flat palm. With his free hand, he clutched at the babe and plucked it from its’ swaddling. With one mighty bite, he guzzled down its’ shoulders and head then restored the remains to its crib. As soon as he had swallowed it down, he retook the wooden fork and returned to digging happily away once more at the deep-fried potato-y goodness within.

Feeling somewhat restored, the large, well-refreshed gentleman took to marching towards his bed in the warm, comfortable hotel where the possibility of a residents bar loomed. His brave fellows trod happily alongside him urging him to put his baguette away til they were safely ensconced in the hotel as this would hasten their arrival.

The large, well-refreshed gentleman paid no heed and continued ever forward, digging cheerfully away at his child and swaddling. The unending queue in the kebab shop stared out of the wall-high windows jealously at his golden prize.

Then, head buried therein like a nosebag, he walked into a lamppost.

His glimmering prize plummeted towards the floor. So slovenly were his alcohol-soaked reactions, he never even attempted to recover it in its’ flight. He stood forlornly holding a wooden fork in one hand, the flat palm where the crib once lay, motionless in the cool night air, his eager mouth agape.

His brave fellows, barely holding in their laughter, ushered him homewards, his footsteps now echoing into the night, his upper body, flat palm, fork hand and kebab-hole frozen in rictus.

The kebab shop roared.

Back at the hotel, his brave fellows guzzled keenly their be-pitta’d fayre. The rapidly sobering, forlorn and somnolent gentleman bemoaned his misfortune, nibbling on chips left about by his generous fellows when one of them declared,

“I’m full – do you want the rest of this kebab?”

“Do you mean it?”, he replied as he was handed the boon.

Then his other fellows did likewise and the fortunate and well-loved gentleman did feast upon his kind fellows leftovers and all was well with the world once more.

THE END

rafter
baz
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Thu 21 Jan 2010, 14:30, 1 reply)

The ex and the boobs...
I was strolling along a seafront with the ex when he noticed the topless! women! sunbathing! on! the! beach!

Staring over the sea wall and so not watching where he was walking, he banged straight into a bin. Clang! Then a lamppost. Bang! Then a seat, a sign and a handrail. Bump! Crunch! Thump!
However, nothing deflected him from his mission of ogling as many women as possible before I noticed and dragged him away.

I didn't care - I was happy watching him maim himself on street furniture.
A hundred yards, at least, of pure entertainment.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Thu 21 Jan 2010, 14:28, Reply)

Back in the day where I was fresh with the company
we had a meeting with a very very big company bigwig. This was quite a break from the norm for us as our support centre is situated in Swansea, which is the company equivalent of being out in the sticks compared to our other offices, so when we were told we were having the head of the US side of our business visiting we were all to be ship-shaped up.

So he turns up in all his glory; to be honest he was a scrawny little man who looked like someone had put a suit on Abe from Abe's Odyssey. He had a squeaky breaky voice and seemed very nervous to be here. Oh well, we had a large meeting room with lines of office chairs and a projector set up for the bigwig to give us his "Everything is super in our company" speech.

Our team are ushered into this meeting and I end up sitting practically 1 foot away from where the bigwig is marching about, trying to assert himself. Besides me is Paul, the victim of this tale, who is blissfully unaware of what's going to happen to him. He's sitting pretty much directly in front of the bigwig, and trying not to look bored.

The meeting starts and everyone starts listening to him yapping about share prices etc ie everything business wise that means fuck all to the little guys who are sitting in the room who actually speak to our customers. We as a group slowly start to get bored and start slouching in our chairs. Paul's gone one further and started resting on the left arm of his chair; chin propped up on his arm with his elbow leaning down into the armrest.

I spot this and as I am bored shiteless with the meeting I start to plan. Under these armrests on our crap office chairs there is a little plastic switch, which when raised allows you to adjust the height of them, with a little pressure. While it had the added weight of Paul's body leaning onto this armrest, my right hand slowly reached over and flicked this switch.

The effect was awe inspiring; Paul's armrest shot down quickly pretty much throwing Paul off his chair. He stumbled forward and stopped literally 1 inch away from the bigwig's cock, who had paused and was taking in what was happening by his pants. A comedy second passed between them, before Paul scrambled back to his chair and sat up to full attention as if his life depended upon it. Bigwig didn't say a word, and then continued to waffle as if nothing happened.

I quietly glance behind me and see the rest of my team along with about 40 odd other workers all of which are sitting still trying not to piss themselves laughing (my direct managers included). Apparently if I managed to get Paul to make contact with his nads I would've had a promotion. He really was a rather boring cunt was the bigwig.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 21 Jan 2010, 14:26, 2 replies)

Icy
This was shown on RTE News the other week during the "big freeze". I've watched it about 20 times since then. If you listen carefully, you can hear what appears to be the guy saying "f*ck sake".

www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZvCK2o6Zbo
(BigFatPaulie, Thu 21 Jan 2010, 14:19, Reply)

walking along Cowley Road in Oxford is hazardous at the best of times
but you would have thought staying on the pavement would keep you safe from buses - not so!

Waiting for the bus to take us back to halls, I looked up to see if the bus arriving at the stop was ours - it wasn't - but what it did do was get so close to the pavement that it's big dangly mirrors hit a friend of mine square in the back of the head, and pushed her far enough to topple her over!

She had a bump on the back of her head and a confused look on her face

The driver was mortified

We, like the drunk bastards we were back then, all howled with laughter as we helped her to her feet....
( Ralph farts in your general direction, Thu 21 Jan 2010, 14:13, 2 replies)

Double F and me had just started going out.
He moved into a house with one of his mates and I was around helping him unpack.

We were transporting piles of books down the stairs to the lounge. FF misses the last few steps and falls on his arse, still holding the books and thinking he'd had a lucky escape. Not so. I was standing at the top of the stairs and in my shock at seeing him fall, I put my hands up to my face, dropping the pile of (mainly hardback) books down the stairs. Each one hit him on the head with a 'THUNK' noise. I stifled laughter like I never had before. No lasting damage though. Well I don't think so anyway...
( Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Thu 21 Jan 2010, 14:08, Reply)

Grand Designs
A few years back, wife and I used to live in that London.
Grand Designs had shown a project that had taken place just down the road from us. Forgot about it for a while, then when walking home from the tube along the main road one evening, we remembered said programme and decided to have a look for it to see what all the fuss was about. We were gawping at it from a distance, end of the road and over the main road, opposite side. Yes, nice house, not much to get excited about.
Not the wife. She couldn't stop looking at it, walking and talking away, and smack. Face side-on into a parking meter with an almighty crack.
I almost pissed myself as she's reeling all over the pavement with a slight concussion (maybe). I wasn't the only person laughing either.
Cafe full of people saw the delights! Also the passing bus and cars, plus the staff inside the hardware store behind us.
We've since looked at the parking meter on google street map and still laugh at the wife's inability to pay any attention to anything, ever.
(Slipper I'm going for a smoke, Thu 21 Jan 2010, 14:05, Reply)

When I was about 10 years old
Playing in our road with some friends. We lived in a tree lined avenue.

One of my friends climbed into a tree, and sat on the lowest branch. The tree was pretty leafy, and you couldn't see him unless you were looking hard.

Another of my friends Mum walks past, carrying two bags of shopping. As she got to the tree, mate number one rolls forward on the branch, bringing his upside down face right in front of hers, and he screams 'Wheeeeeeee!!!!!'.

She dropped her shopping and ran off down the road crying.

I know these are all 'you had to be there' things, but it's making me laugh like a drain even now, 30 years later.
( Not Pineapple anymore, Thu 21 Jan 2010, 14:02, 5 replies)

I decided to play some pitch and putt with some friends
It was quite far away so I decided to ride my bicycle. I decided it would be a good idea to put my golf clubs in a plastic bag and carry it on the handle bars. It was a marvellous sunny day and I was enjoying gawking at the you g ladies in the summer clothes when the plastic bag split, the handle of a 5 iron fell through the spokes of the front wheel. Club met axle and the front of the bike stopped. The back wheels decided to keep going and soon afterwards I took trip through the air and my face got acquainted with the Tarmac. Luckily I avoided vegetablehood and managed to break my fall. Being a bit of a twat I decided to walk the rest of the way there and try and wander round a few holes as the alternative seemed to be calling her indoors and admitting my folly. I did make it round the course despite the blood and not being able to move my arms or fingers. I eventually hobbled onto a bus unable to sit down or hold onto the rails. So I had to try to stand and carefully balance all the way there. Two broken wrists and elbows makes wiping ones arse a pain and much to her chargrin these duties were delegated to the missus. She performed them with stoicism and bravery. Cheers love
(trickyric, Thu 21 Jan 2010, 14:01, 1 reply)

Do as I do
It's a beautiful summers day in Dawlish Warren and Mr Datcat and I decide we are going to catch the bus to town so I can have a few beers too(I usually drive). So off we go and wait at a bus stop.
The first bus was full to the brim, but as luck happens right behind it is another bus and oh look its a open top bus. So on we climb and go and sit on the top deck. Mr Datcat decides to sit on the left of the bus so I take the seat in front of him and off we go.

Now this was a country lane with trees growing alomgside with some lowish braches and so I keep a eye open for them and when I spot one kind of twist and duck down.
Mr Datcat watches me do this and the words "What in fucks name are you doing" had not even left his lips when the branch that I had spotted Smacked him right in the face.
And not only him, but the small annoying child who was on the same campsite as us and thought that 6.30am was a good time to use our tent as a goal post.
Oh how I laughed and even now just thinking about it makes my life just that little more brighter
(datcat Millions of cats, Thu 21 Jan 2010, 13:59, 2 replies)

Pins and Needles
Happened to me just the other day.

Have a nice dump, knowing I would be a while I was playing the DS. All was fine until I went to get up. Pins and Needles struck and this was full on pins and needles. I'd been resting my elbows on my legs whilst playing the DS and no blood was there at all.

Before I had a chance to pull up pants or trousers I pitched forward on the two lifeless stumps that I know called my legs. I collapsed on the floor unable to get up, everytime I tried my legs and feet decided it was too much effort.

Luckily no one was around to witness my pathetic attempt at trying to stand, nor the fact that my pants weren't on to begin with.

Length? It was late and the heating turned off.
(langers, Thu 21 Jan 2010, 13:59, 2 replies)

My mate Nicky is a walking accident
Not sure how he manages it, but he’s always getting into bother. One time he knocked himself out while having a job interview, just sort of slipped out his chair and head butted the wall. Out. Sparko. Another time Nicky went to Jamaica on holiday, he’d been saving up for ages. First day on the beach he’s wading round in the water – quite a formidable sight, my mate Nicky looks like a lobster pink version of Shrek – when he gets hit by a jet ski. Breaks both legs. Spends the next month in traction before he can come home.

I swear, you’ve gotta take out life insurance just to be in the same room as this guy.

But my own experience with this walking man-mountain of complete and utter fail was when we were riding the Northern Line from Waterloo up to my gaff in Tufnell Park. We’re sat there, chatting about the price of fish, when suddenly I notice Nicky’s attention is elsewhere. I follow his gaze.

Nicky’s staring at the bloke sat in the seat opposite. Absolutely transfixed.

Then Nicky speaks up in his Essex drawl: “Ain’t you small, mate?” he says. Christ! Yes, Nicky, that fella is small... That’s because he’s a fucking midget...

The midget fella goes from naught to sixty in the ‘being pissed off by great big lumbering giants who look like Shrek’ department. He starts screaming at Nicky to “Fuck off and stop being such a rude cunt!”

Nicky, not really understanding it could be considered rude in polite society to point out to a midget, to his face, that he’s a bit on the wee side, starts shouting back: “Fuck you! I was only sayin’, you fuckin’ muppet!”

I couldn’t believe it. I was witnessing a full on row between my mate Shrek and a fucking midget. This is the sort of shit that usually only happens on Twin Peaks.

We get to Warren Street. The little fella gets up, grabs his briefcase, and launches the corner of the damn thing into Nicky’s shins and legs it off the tube. Nicky, absolutely fucking incensed, gets up and goes to follow.

Then as Nicky’s approaching the open doors he trips over his own feet, all twenty-five stone of him sails through the air like a Russian ballerina on steroids, and he lands in a crumpled heap on the platform.

The doors shut. The tube rumbles on to Euston. I’m sat there blinking, wondering what the fuck just happened.

When we eventually meet up at Euston and manage to make it up to my gaff without any further injuries, we meet up with Nicky’s girlfriend. “What happened to you?” she asks, seeing Nicky’s latest black eye and split lip.

I say: “He got into a fight with a midget on the tube.”

And the scary thing, the really scary part of this is, Nicky’s girlfriend didn’t even bat an eyelid, she just shrugged as if this was the most normal thing to happen when travelling on the Underground...

I learned after this that Nicky apparently has a thing for midgets...
( SpankyHanky, Thu 21 Jan 2010, 13:57, 3 replies)

I was working on a building site
And my colleague insulted me, so I pulled open the top of his trousers, and filled them with sand.

In response he then took my hat from my head, filled it with tea from the pot nearby, and put it back on my head, covering me with the tea, and then patting it down on my head as he did so.

Well! I was pretty cross about this, so I grabbed his nose and twisted. It made a "honk honk!" noise, which made me laugh. I wasn't laughing for long, though, as he then stamped on my toe! I was in so much pain I hopped around clutching my foot, and banged into a step ladder, knocking it over. Thankfully the guy on the step ladder managed to grab the beam above him, and swung there, but his feet hit my friend in the face. My friend spun 'round, dazed, and his flailing arm knocked a pot of white paint all over me. We then both slipped in the paint and sat down heavily, bumping our heads together, and were dazed.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 21 Jan 2010, 13:45, 3 replies)

This happened just now
I was that busy trying to see the difference between this QOTW and the Schadenfreude one a few weeks back that I trapped finger in the kitchen drawer.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 21 Jan 2010, 13:44, Reply)