Question of the week
Every week we set a new question and ask you to answer it with your stories and anecdotes. It was originally set up to provide material for the now finished B3ta Radio Show, but it proved so popular that we brought it back.
( $$ ✅, Tue 1 Mar 2016, 16:09, Reply)

I was served by a chap with a home made, possibly prison cell, tattoo on his neck.
It was quite clearly at least 20 years old and this ghastly specimen was a proud supporter of West Yorkshire's finest, for upon his neck the legend was borne...Leed's.

The perverse pastimes and passions of the working class never cease to amuse me. Much like their proud history of neck-based illiteracy.

Association football, how perfectly vile.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Tue 1 Mar 2016, 14:14, 7 replies)

Cruffins
Muffin on one side, crumpet on the other. I'm looking for investors
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Mon 29 Feb 2016, 10:04, 9 replies)

Lock-in vegan 8-bit chipjewn gig at the local coffee shop

( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Fri 26 Feb 2016, 7:21, 3 replies)

JEWS DID THIS

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 25 Feb 2016, 21:45, Reply)

bit anti-semitic here

( $$ ✅, Thu 25 Feb 2016, 21:31, Reply)

Jejewn.

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 25 Feb 2016, 19:34, Reply)

I had an ex who thought you put the white bit under the pizza in the oven with it. The foam. She was a dozy sod. Nice tits, though.

( Jabberwoc misses D.R. and Quinch, Wed 24 Feb 2016, 20:53, 8 replies)

i thought 'pigeon' had a 'd' in it until recently
(terryhoosh remembers when this was all fields, Tue 23 Feb 2016, 18:44, 2 replies)

I thought a silver service was when an old lady wanked you off

( $$ ✅, Tue 23 Feb 2016, 16:57, 2 replies)

I thought we'd have a new question, each week,
and that the answers would be funny, or interesting to read.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 22 Feb 2016, 13:26, 12 replies)

i believed
the children were our future
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sun 21 Feb 2016, 17:08, 7 replies)

alright

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sun 21 Feb 2016, 10:20, 2 replies)

i am so ignorant
that i thought this weeks question was over.
I came here to tell my story for next week's QOTW, "Animals that speak foreign languages".
(hiraeth SPACE £19.99. I say yer buy one yer get one free, Sat 20 Feb 2016, 23:25, Reply)

Animals owned by humans

( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Fri 19 Feb 2016, 23:32, 1 reply)

Humans that own aminals

( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Fri 19 Feb 2016, 23:32, Reply)

willy willy bum bum

( $$ ✅, Fri 19 Feb 2016, 17:05, 6 replies)

I used to think that my body was made of bones and blood
literally if you cut my arm off or leg off it would just be a white inner core with a red outer core. Think Desperate Dan in the comic eating a pie, just white pie crust and brown meat.

Then I had a life changing encounter with a large dog and lost most of my left arm when I was 14. That made me change my belief that it was just bone, blood and skin.

I realised it was fucking painful, and skin, and blood, and muscle, and PAIN, more pain than i have ever cared to experience again.

While i was having my lower left arm reattached the guy in the bed next to me, and i remember this vividly, was seriously having an ignorant as fuck moment or if i can call it this, he was being a stupid dog owner and therefore ignorant by default.

While he was having 7 yes (seven) of his fingers reattached because he put his hands in-between his own dogs fighting, he asked "are my dogs ok? It wasn't their fault"

I thought...As the morphine was kicking in...it was your fault pal.

100%
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Thu 18 Feb 2016, 3:56, 3 replies)

I used to think that sitting down was safe
But then one time when I sat down in primary school, I cracked my head somehow.
(foolish made himself look like a fool on, Wed 17 Feb 2016, 21:55, 1 reply)

I suppose I shouldn't give the satisfaction,
but this is the last time I will ever visit this site.

So long B3ta, thanks for the laughs.
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Wed 17 Feb 2016, 8:33, 8 replies)

Squatter was in a terrible position.
He was in Bahrain, which is a pretty bloody place to be. And there was this ant, which had only one leg and only one eye, and it was about two miles away from Squatter. So, a pretty bloody menacing position for Squatter, who was equipped only with, erm, you know, a hydrogen bomb, erm, six grenades, and, erm, a few rifles.

And this bloody ant, one eye, one leg, was advancing towards Squatter at about-, oh, I'd say at about, er, a mile every century, you know. Really speeding up. I think the animal was on drugs. Or heat, yes, as you may say. And Squatter, with his extraordinary calm, took it very smoothly. And do you know what he did?

Nothing.

He immediately did nothing.

And this stupified the ant. Stopped in its tracks. Didn't move an inch for about, um, three and a half years, yes. But still Squatter was very much aware of the problem of the ant, with all of one leg and all of one eye, advancing towards him. So he took up, you know, a strategic position with about five thousand men on one side and seven thousand men on the other side, all equipped with, er, various kinds of guns and so on. The ant was, er, fairly pinpointed. But what was odd was the ant understood Squatter. The ant realised he was up against somebody as good as-, as good as he was. Equals in their struggle, yes. So Squatter, with a tremendous display of courage, put up his hands and surrendered.

And the ant, five years laters, yes, five years laters, crept into the, er, hole, and Squatter was gone.

And this is the extraordinary thing about Squatter: he was never there when he was wanted. And Squatter told me later that, ah, he'd gone because he'd had to go. But after that day, he never paid much attention to insects.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 15 Feb 2016, 21:15, 4 replies)

My ex saw David Blunkett on telly and thought he was reading an autocue.

( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Sun 14 Feb 2016, 21:50, 11 replies)

My ex and the boobs: possible pearoast
My ex as a young man believed that a woman's breasts grew every time a man felt them. The effect was magnified by a change of man, so that the more men felt the breasts the bigger they grew.

So a large-busted woman must have let lots of men feel her breasts, or possibly have spent a very long time with one breast-feeling man.

(His own mother had huge breasts but obviously this all didn't apply to her. Well, his dad was probably allowed to feel them.)

A right-handed man, his theory went, would have to take care to swap hands to be sure of not developing his partner's left breast at the expense of the right.

When he first casually mentioned this belief to me we were married, in our 20s, and he was a science teacher. He still believed it.

I howled and cried with laughter for about an hour and couldn't look him in the face for a long time without cracking up. He never really lived it down.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Sun 14 Feb 2016, 21:37, 2 replies)

Night Vision
I had a friend whose Night Vision had been destroyed, and so was easy to frighten at night. One day, he looked in the sky and saw the Sun, and was so overwhelmed by its beauty and majesty that he stared at it for seven minutes. No one had ever mentioned to him that harm might result.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Sat 13 Feb 2016, 19:38, Reply)

Trees
Whilst on the road in Malaysia our driver regaled us with this pea-roasted story. According to him, he was driving through similar countryside once with an American couple when the wife commented on how neatly arranged the forest was.

"No maám", he told her "those are rubber trees"

"Rubber trees?" she replied "They look real to me!"
(lurkylurklurk swings more, Sat 13 Feb 2016, 18:21, Reply)

"Do you do a Martini?".
Apparently they did -- I was served, from a bottle, something which tasted like my own puke after a night on the Pinot Grigio.
(Yes, I know, but I'm trying to find decent bars so not prompting them is part of the search)
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Sat 13 Feb 2016, 17:04, Reply)