Pearoast

On car trips my parents would tell me:

If you accidentally drove over more than 4 catseyes in a row they would explode. This was a very clever scheme invented to prevent Russian tanks from invading. Tanks were longer than 4 catseyes but cars were shorter, so wouldn't set off the landmine unless you went very fast.

Growing up in West Germany during the 70s and 80s I was already in total fear of the Red Menace by age 7, and this totally believable logic just heightened my paranoia.

My dad would take great delight in hitting three catseyes and then narrowly avoiding the fourth while I screamed myself into a catatonic state in the back seat.
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( gp_guineapig, Mon 14 Aug 2017, 14:51, Reply)

the duck in my pants
pretty sure i've told this one before, but here goes anyway.
a couple of years ago, i was babysitting my sister's kids. i had taken them to the park and we were just walking towards the swings when i let out a fart.
"you farted!" they squealed.
"it wasn't me," i replied, "it was the duck that lives in my pants, it just quacked."
of course, this caused much amusement.
scroll forward a couple of weeks and my sister asks me to pick the kids up from school. i waited in the playground and, when they saw me, they ran up right behind me, bent down and shouted "hello!" at my arse.
"what are you doing, boys?" the teacher asks. with beaming grins on their little faces, they both declared "we're saying hello to the duck that lives in her pants!"
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sun 13 Aug 2017, 15:04, Reply)

Convoluted story culminating in a pun on the title or popular culture reference.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 10 Aug 2017, 19:09, 5 replies)

My dad told me I had to wear smart trousers to a christening.

(Roger McGough-Pipe, Thu 10 Aug 2017, 12:35, Reply)

My dad had a splendid 70's goal post moustache
By the 80's it was an awful 80's bank manager moustache. My younger brother, who was about 4, was not deterred and wanted to know how to grow one of his own.

So my dad told him that you needed to pour salt on your top lip so that the little hairs got thirsty and came out for a drink. When they did, you caught them quickly and tied a knot in them, so they couldn't go back in. He demonstrated the knots by showing him the odd grey hair.

Needless to say it ended in a pile of salt, a sobbing child, and a massive bollocking for my lying father from my furious mother.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 31 Aug 2017, 11:36, 6 replies)

My parents told me that people were all really the same wherever you go, just trying to get on with their lives, and equally worthy of our respect
But they'd never met any Albanians, who are lower than dogs
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Mon 14 Aug 2017, 11:35, Reply)

Go to university
work hard, get an education and then you can get a good job with good pay!
Good one!
( Squiggy Alloria makes theme parks., Thu 10 Aug 2017, 14:48, 2 replies)

In Leeds there's a gay bar with a big sign outside saying 'ATM HERE'.
Disgusting.
(dozers You big spazzer!, Fri 1 Sep 2017, 22:07, 15 replies)

2 weeks and there's not even a page of answers?
Time to shut it all down
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 24 Aug 2017, 18:42, 3 replies)

I told my kids that playing hockey or football would knock out your teeth and give you irreversible brain damage
Not because it was in fact true, but because I didn't feel like driving them to games and practices.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Wed 23 Aug 2017, 22:03, Reply)

It'll get better.
( tromboner cherophobia is my kind of fun, Tue 15 Aug 2017, 0:23, Reply)

Daleks can't climb stairs
Sontarans must always face you in battle

Ice Warriors can't run

Zyygons are great kissers

And Cybermen will run away if you play Spandau Ballet at them.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Sun 13 Aug 2017, 19:51, 10 replies)

When the ice cream van plays music
It means they have ran out of ice cream and chocolate.
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Sat 12 Aug 2017, 21:28, Reply)

pearoast - not mine
Morning farts
I'm in the habit of doing loud farts after getting out of bed in the morning (Mudskipperess doesn't appreciate dutch oven pranks). A few days ago, I rattled out a particularly euphonious effort while making Daughter #2 (aged 6) her breakfast. "That disgusting, daddy" she said (she has a slight speech impediment).
I promptly blamed the budgie.
Far from finding that funny, Daughter got angrier. "No, it you! You do fart! Stop lying!!"
I responded by doing another fart.
"STOP IIIIIT"
I blamed the budgie again, and to compound the hilarity I wafted the smell over the Daughter and the caged bird.
"WASN'T HIM!!! IT WAS YOOOUUUU!!! STOP IIIITTT!"
By this time, Daughter is close to tears.
What's a loving father to do?
If you're me, a final, hideously rancid fart, this time while wordlessly pointing an accusing finger at the budgie.

It took a few minutes to regain my daughter's love after all this.
(mudskipper, Fri 18 Sep 2009, 10:24, More)
( insignificantsnivellinglittleturd I Like Peas, Thu 10 Aug 2017, 12:47, 3 replies)