I think our accountancy firm may be implicated in the recent horsemeat scandal.
We audit all cow wrong.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 12:07, Reply)

Right then
I once knew a guy named Alan. He was a bit strange, and not very clever, but his one claim to fame was that he'd played a Klingon commander on Star Trek.

Weird Idiot Al: Gowron.

Blimey, this is a hard one to pun.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 11:54, 3 replies)

I'm flying out to a remote part of the Far East to do some aid work next month
Along with all the usual vaccinations and malaria tablets etc we've been told we'll need to pack some extra strong insect repellent, as the forests where we're going are home to a particularly nasty little insect whose bite causes temporary paralysis of the face.



We have to wear DDT or I'll go mong.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 9:35, 1 reply)

All began when I offered to to extra work for free at my job
cos I enjoy it.

Since I started working there years ago I took on extra stuff that nobody wanted to do and in some cases stuff that nobody was able to do.

Last year we took a 20% salary cut, some were mighty pissed off. Couple of colleagues took exception to my selfish attitude - I shouldn't take on extra work as this might give more ideas to management.

Then the intimidation from colleagues started. Ostracising, whispering campaigns. Provocations.

The bullying has reached new levels of bastardness. Not face to face, they haven't the balls. Just lower levels of nastiness. Pretty savage, calculated to hurt.

I can't fucking sleep. I didn't know people could be such bastards. All over money. None of them will starve, the pay is still relatively good; no, I guess it's the principle of it for them.

And management? They haven't a fucking clue, useless fuckers.
(roysin, Thu 7 Mar 2013, 2:39, 14 replies)

Hard to say really. Just seems to be ongoing for me.
I thought I was my own boss.
I used to get a bit pissed off with hawkers and salesmen and do away wit them or see them off. [Inset "stay about from my bins" joke here].

I always fought with my brother - as you do. But I thought I was really clever by sleeping with his daughter - that'll show him who's the craftiest.
But then it turns out that she's as batshit crazy as he is - fucking mad bitch killed our children!

Then the guy who thinks he's the bossman decided he's gonna try and put me in line by getting one of his lackeys to lock me in the stores cupboard. I managed to talk the dumb cunt into locking himself in. Fuuuu!
Then of course all hell breaks loose cause the lackey isn't doing his job - you'd think the rest of the company would be happy about a bit of increased time off, but Noooo.

Eventually the boss (who really is a bit of an idiot) decided to try and bury me under a mountain of paperwork. So here I am day in and day out forever emptying my intray. Just to have it filled up again.
It's all downhill from there. Until you reach the bottom. Then it's back up again!
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 7 Mar 2013, 2:14, 17 replies)

It all went wrong when you cunts totally failed to validate me:
b3ta.com/questions/allwentwrong/post1880312
please, please, please - reply, click, anything - just make me feel relevant for a few fleeting seconds.
( 4Q just lurking, Wed 6 Mar 2013, 19:39, 8 replies)

In which grandmasterfluffles' imagination runs away with her
When I was in Year 6, all of the pretty, popular girls at school kept diaries. Generally these were pink fluffy notebooks with padlocks attached, in which these mini Stepford wives in training would write with pink pencils with balls of fluff on the end in painfully neat handwriting.

I was not one of the pretty, popular girls. But boy, did I want to be! It was obvious that the only thing standing between me and popularity was owning one of these stupid things, and so I saved up my pocket money, went to WH Smith and purchased a pink hardback notebook with cute bunnies on the front and a padlock on the side, bearing the words My Secret Diary. I even splashed out on a fluffy pink pencil to go with it. I was all set.

When I started writing, however, I came across a snag. I was totally fucking boring. You see, because I still wasn't popular yet, I didn't have any friends. I didn't go to Take That concerts, or hold hands with boys, or have a whale of a time bullying losers, or any of the fun things the popular girls did. My life was DULL. And so one day, I found myself writing the words: I am so afraid that somebody will find out my terrible secret.

Ooooooh, now I was interesting! The only problem was, it was a total lie. I didn't actually have a terrible secret because I was too sodding dull for such things. But now that I'd written that I had a terrible secret, I was going to have to invent one. And this, dear readers, is where it all began to go horribly wrong.

Mr Thomas touched me when we were alone in the cloakroom, I began. He followed me in there and put his hand down my top. Oh yes, boy was I interesting now! All those girls who said I was so ugly - were any of them hot enough to get molested by the PE teacher? Ha! I think not. The problem was that now I was hooked on the drama of my imaginary trauma. I was compelled to write more and more salacious things every day.

I am so confused. You're supposed to do what teachers tell you, aren't you? I just want to be a good girl, but I wish Mr Thomas would stop telling me to suck his penis, even if he does give me 3 house points for it. Yes, that was a good one! House points for a blow job. People wouldn't think I was such a fucking boring bazillion house points goody two shoes when they found out HOW I EARNED THEM.

Today, Mr Thomas kept me behind after class. He made me get into the stationery cupboard with him and he took all my clothes off and we had sex. I feel so dirty.

On the plus side, I know for certain that my mum never ever breached my privacy by reading my diary, evidenced by the fact that Mr Thomas was never arrested. God, I was a horrible child.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Wed 6 Mar 2013, 18:22, 12 replies)

What happened to society? Ask Douglas Adams.
"This planet has- or rather had- a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movement of of small green pieces of paper, which is odd because on the whole it was not the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy.
And so the problem remained; lots of people were mean, and most of them were miserable, even the ones with digital watches.
Many were increasingly of the opinion that they'd all made a big mistake in coming down from the trees in the first place. And some said that even the trees had been a bad move, and no one should have ever left the oceans."

There you go folks, you can trust Douglas because he worked out how the universe worked.

"There is a theory that states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.

There is another theory which states that this has already happened."

Any excuse to open my well thumbed copy of the Hitch Hikers guide is a good one in my view. Were Mr Adams still with us, I am sure that he would approve of his sentiment being used in such a way. Sorry if others have already posted this, I have read through the thread and not seen it, but you know how it goes.
( Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Wed 6 Mar 2013, 14:35, 19 replies)

Electing Mr Palpatine to the Senate
Also Jar Jar Binks.
(Eukanuba, Wed 6 Mar 2013, 13:03, 3 replies)

My mate Deanna was bitten by a wolf while she was trying to make a verb out of a noun.
Now she's cursed to only be able to finish it during a full moon.

We're all looking forward to finding out the were-Dee detail gerund.

Or something.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 6 Mar 2013, 12:46, 6 replies)

"Seriously, mate - she's shit-brick psycho."
"Yeah, but ... she's really fit."
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 6 Mar 2013, 11:52, 4 replies)

When I became a wage slave.

(Free pens 100, 101, 102 is still counting on, Wed 6 Mar 2013, 11:05, 12 replies)

When someone convinced me that continually fucking about with some things that I was happy with ages ago would improve them no end.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 6 Mar 2013, 10:53, 5 replies)

Well we scanned it, and the computer said
There were no life forms in that escape capsule.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 6 Mar 2013, 8:39, 13 replies)

Mowing the yard
It all went wrong when I decided to mow the yard. Well, a few minutes later, actually. I filled the fuel tank, primed the carburettor and heaved on the starter cord. Away she went, but a few seconds later there was a squeal and smoke appeared at the top of the motor.

Oh dear, whatever can be the matter?

I stopped the motor. The starter cord had not retracted fully, so I removed the starter assembly and sure enough, it was looped around the starter clutch instead of only the pulley.

Darn it, more expense.

I consulted the Briggs and Stratton site on-line. A new pulley was cheap, so that was encouraging, but any details on repairs were absent, since my 15 year old mower was no longer covered. What to do, oh what to do?

Well there is a mower repair and sales centre not far away, so I used plan B, the good old Yellow Pages.

"Do you handle Briggs and Stratton motors?"

"Yes."

O joy! Oh bliss!. I leapt into the car, taking the assembly with me. Ten minutes later I walked through the door and handed the offending article to the man behind the counter.

"Not a problem" he said, and disappeared into the workshop. I heard the hiss of compressed air and a few rattles. Five minutes later he was back, holding the thing upside down.

"I've just oiled it, don't turn it up the other way for a while until the oil soaks in."

Sure enough, a little puddle of oil sloshed about in the spring compartment.

"We normally charge $35 per hour, but that only took five minutes. That will be $20 thanks. Did you oil the clutch at the top of the motor, by any chance?"

Nonplussed, I answered that I had not, so he told me to do it.

"Any oil will do."

Well it was a cheap fix. I got home, put some oil around the clutch thingy and went in for lunch.

The oil around the starter spring had soaked in by then so I replaced the starter assembly, counted to three, crossed my fingers and pulled the starter cord. Great! That's fixed and it didn't cost a bomb. So now I've got the mower running I'll do the front yard.

Oops, I forgot that steel stake. There was a clang and the mower started to shake. Bugger, broken blade. But no, three of the four blades were twisted inward. To fix that I'll have to put the mower on it's side and to do that I'll have to drain the fuel tank. I got a nice mouthful of petrol from not letting go of the siphon quickly enough. Put the garden hose in your mouth, silly.

Not being completely stupid, I disconnected the spark plug. I found I could not swing the three blades back with one hand while holding the disk with the other, so grandfather's ball peen hammer came into play. Five minutes banging away and they were back in the right places.

What was that gurgling sound? Bloody hell, moving the disk pumped oil from the sump out of the four stroke motor. No oil in the motor, it was on the motor and on the base plate instead. And I'd just changed the oil two weeks before. At least that flushed out the remains of the old oil. There was just enough left in the bottle.

Of course oil was dripping from the spark plug. Soak it in mineral turps for a few minutes, wipe with cloth, a quick scratch with a wire brush and it's as good as new. Pull the starter cord a few times to blow out any loose stuff in the cylinder, replace the spark plug and Robert was my avuncular relative.

Now I have to clean up the mess.
(Redemption blamed it on the Bossa Nova since, Wed 6 Mar 2013, 4:41, 13 replies)

It was long ago.
I had just gotten my first property and was very excited about it. I fixed the place up nicely- lots of light, running water, the whole lot. I especially took care in the garden and planted it with all kinds of wonderful things that I enjoy, and was well pleased with the result. I used to wander around back there for hours, delighting in the soft ground underfoot, the cool shade and gentle breezes.

Eventually the day came when I had a son, followed by a daughter. They played happily out in the garden, and most days I joined them there. The only thing was, in my enthusiasm for planting I had included a plant that was mildly poisonous, so I told them to stay away from it. The fruit has psychotropic properties that wouldn't be good for them, and I feared that they might eat some and never quite recover.

So what happened? Of course when my back was turned one of their friends dared them to take a bite from it. Just as I feared, they had a mind-wrenching experience which has affected them ever since.

I was furious. I kicked them out and told them never to return now that they had addled their minds permanently, telling them that they were on their own. They cried and pleaded, but I was firm- they broke my rules in my house, so out they went.

They've now had children, of course, but I still won't let any of them back into my garden. Well, not until they've all learned their lesson, anyway. I'll listen to them one by one and decide.

And their friend who dared them? I cut off his arms and legs and sent him off crawling on his belly in the dust. Evil little serpent...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 6 Mar 2013, 4:24, 6 replies)

It's all gone down hill here
Since this happened:

www.deagostini.com.au/ilovehorses/

:-(
(InflammableHound may be recorded for training porpoises, Tue 5 Mar 2013, 23:28, 6 replies)

It all started to go wrong
at the bit in the film when one group of monkeys sees a big black rectangle thing and develops tool skills and eats meat and uses a tapir bone to kill another monkey and goes into space and outsmarts a computer and a bit I didn't understand. the end.

roysin aged 41 1/2
(roysin, Tue 5 Mar 2013, 19:19, 4 replies)

I am reposting this for anyone considering visiting Dubai
I am fully aware that many people holiday or choose to work in Dubai, the vast majority without any problems

however it also goes seriously tits up for many many people

Dubai is a third world country of medieval attitudes lurking behind a thin veneer of ill considered towers built by what is effectively slave labour

There are so many contradictions, hypocrisies and downright lunacy about the place it's fair to say you are never safe in Dubai. I wonder how many of the people who holiday there know that if you stay in a hotel as a couple but are unmarried you can be jailed for 6 months? Although this is rare, the point is they can do this at a whim, when it does happen there is NOTHING the British Consulate can or will do. Similarly whether you are a practicing Muslim or not, if you are of Muslim parents and if you're caught drinking - 6 months.

Basically you are only tolerated there for the money you bring and if there is any issue between you, a local, the police or the authorities - you are automatically in the wrong, you are in deep shit and have little or no rights and no chance of exercising them. Your only chance is a massive bribe - corruption is the national pastime.

Perspective - just a couple of weeks ago this happened...

www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-middle-east-21529654

i see stories like that every couple of months.

here's what happened to us...

b3ta.com/questions/theboss/post460435

my advice to anyone would be to avoid Dubai at all costs, aside from anything else it's fucking dull
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Tue 5 Mar 2013, 10:45, 10 replies)

So
I've got

a

couple

of


peas.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 5 Mar 2013, 9:40, 8 replies)