Poo, wasps, piranhas and alligators
Well - if the mods can pearoast the question, I can pearoast an answer

My school saw it fit to try to kill the sixth-form in interesting ways; so it was that, in the summer of 1995, just after my A-Levels, I found myself a member of a month-long expedition to Ecuador.

In the course of the expedition, we spent most of our time in the various parts of the country's highlands - but we also spent a week in the jungle. For several blissful days, we lived in tents in a clearing by a lake in primary jungle. We built balsa rafts and went fishing for piranha, daring each other to dangle our feet over the side as we threw in bits of raw meat as bait. We were more careful near the alligators.

This being primary jungle, there was no loo. (I can't remember what we did for drinking water.) Excretory requirements were met by nipping into the forest with a shovel and finding a convenient bush.

Caught by the need to poo, I wandered off in search of the perfect place - and, I believed, found it. A vine or branch had grown towards the ground from about waist height; all I had to do was locate a convenient spot along the hypoteneuse where the bough was at the correct elevation, and to sit. None of that undignified and poorly-balanced squatting for me.

We had been told that we ought to dig ourselves a little pit before performing, the easier to cover our filth in the aftermath. I must have been a bit needy, because I decided to shit first and worry about burial later.

How was I to know that the local wasps had chosen to build their nest in the drop-zone?

"What the...?" I blurted as I realised that there was a large delegation from the local insect neighbourhood watch who wanted a stern word with my behind. "Oh, fuck."

I tried to bat them away, but they were having none of it, and they were now buzzing angrily all around me.

Through the trees, I spotted the glint of the small lake next to which we were camped. There was only one thing to do: outrun the wasps. I half-ran, half stumbled towards the shore, pulling my shorts up as I went.

But the wasps were determined and athletic. They kept pace - and now their blood was up. In my mind they wore little insect red jackets, blew little insect horns and had packs of little insect dogs in pursuit. What was I to do now? There was only one option. I jumped into the water.

The water, you'll remember, that was home to piranhas and alligators.

Fortunately for me, piranhas apparently only get blood-lust at certain times of the year (which is why our fishing only yielded one or two), and they largely ignored me. I can't explain why the alligators ignored me too. A sense of pity, perhaps. I thanked them quietly when I saw them later.

I climbed out of the lake and wandered back into the jungle to find the shovel...
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 15:08, 13 replies)

I like it
but YOU SPELLED 'CLIMBED' as 'climed' and then you ninja'd it - AAHAAAA AHAAA! Loser! :p

*ducks*
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 15:13, closed)

DId you ever try baking
a victoria sponge cake?

I can pearost replies too!
(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 15:16, closed)

*clicks*
even better second time around.
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Thu 24 Apr 2008, 15:16, closed)

@CHCB
Ninja'd. Now you look silly. Tee hee.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 15:22, closed)

^
likewise, sweetpea
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 15:26, closed)

Oh you two
when are you going to stop with the constant flirting and just get it on like we've all been waiting for.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 15:33, closed)

@al
Who? Us?
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 15:45, closed)

^
what he said.
*is coy*
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 16:29, closed)

errrrm
*shuffles feet*

It was more of a rhetorical comment really. reference the ross and rachel of the QOTW comments a couple of weeks back.


errrr



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sorry
(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 17:00, closed)

Yes, you two...
Go for it, I say...





OK, so the distance thing is a bit of a bastard but that didn't stop Mr and Mrs Legless, did it?
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 24 Apr 2008, 17:17, closed)

*Raises eyebrows*
Not saying anything.

Just raising my eyebrows. Exercise for my face.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 18:34, closed)

And there's no-one
can raise an eyebrow quite like you chickenlady.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 20:12, closed)

Well...Roger Moore maybe



Actually that would make a good porn star name, or a prize goat buck.

Roger. Mooooooooooooooore!!!!!!!!!
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 24 Apr 2008, 20:46, closed)