Bullocks..
.
Many moons ago, in the 80's, I was living in Alnwick, Northumberland. And this one day, I acquired a kite so I headed off to The Pastures to try it out.

The Pastures is the land overlooked by Alnwick Castle. A picturesque meadow full of butterflies and flowers. And bullocks.

Now bullocks are fairly sensible. They're peaceful male cows who've had their wedding tackle removed and are more interested in eating than attacking humans. I'd been down to The Pastures many times and had absolutely no trouble with them. Until today.

So, there I was, wandering across The Pastures with my shiny new kite. Bullocks looked at me and then ignore me, as is their wont.. (BTW - have you noticed how I start to ramble after a couple of glasses of wine and take ages to get to the point? Thought not..)

Anyway. So I found a nice little hill and started to unpack my kite. My big *blue* kite. Pay attention at the back, the colour is important. So I lay my kite out on the ground and started to slot the rods in. And noticed something. The bullocks.

The whole herd had gathered at the top of another rise, about 50 yards away, and were staring at me intently. I was a little freaked by this but thought they were just curious. So I carried on with my task. Rods inserted, string attached, I was ready to go. And those fucking bullocks were a lot closer now. They were sniffing the air, pawing the ground and looked distinctly unfriendly.

Bugger them. So I took my kite in my hand and started to run down the hill and threw the kite up into the air. The wind caught it and it soared joyously into the sky. And the bullocks went spastic. They let out a mass "MOOOOOOO" and charged down the hill towards me.

Now picture this if you can. Me, running down a hill, towing a kite, and, very close behind me and getting closer all the time, 50 very pissed off bullocks. About 20 tons of beef-on-the-hoof intent on catching me.

Fear gives you wings.

So I let go of the kite and legged it for the river. It was too far and the bullocks were too fast. I thought my time was up as the first bullocks caught up with me. And then, a miracle. They parted like the Red Sea and galloped to either side of me, now ignoring me and trying to catch the kite that was blowing away towards the castle.. WTF?

So I slowed to a stop and, lungs heaving, watched them all stop at the river and gaze wistfully at the departing kite. And then I heard the broom-broom of an approaching motor vehicle. It was a quad-bike, and sitting on it, tears rolling down his face, was Rory, an old farmer who I knew slightly.

It turned out that he'd watched the whole thing and knew why the bullocks had went apeshit.

"It was the colour of the kite" he said "It's exactly the same colour as the feed sacks that I use for their cattle cake. Silly buggers though that you were there to feed them and, when they saw their cattle cake taking off into he sky, thought they'd better try and catch it"....

And then we went for a pint. Me, to calm down, Rory, to tell as many people as he could about what he'd seen.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 13:08, 8 replies)

That's
Fantastic!
*clicks*
( Cawl, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 13:16, closed)

It's Fantastic
Until you're sitting in a pub full of farmers who are singing:

"Lets, Go, Fly A Kite
Up, to, the highest height"

After that, it gets old quickly....

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 13:20, closed)

@Kaol
You're such a bum-licker!

It is good though, *clicks*.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 13:21, closed)

*click*
Particularly the phrase, "as is their wont"
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 13:26, closed)

I was suprised
because I always thought cattle were colour blind, but it turns out they are just red-green colour blind. So there you go, funny story and learning, all in one.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 13:27, closed)

Well told
You don't ramble too much and it helped the story. I did laugh out loud, and got funny looks from my flat mate! Click
(Pill Popper Thank you Sasha Shulgin, Mon 28 Apr 2008, 13:30, closed)

So...
You didn't have it up very long.....?

*snigger*
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Tue 29 Apr 2008, 10:44, closed)

Moooooooo!!!
have a click
( zulu eh?, Tue 29 Apr 2008, 13:28, closed)