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This is a question B3ta Person of the Year 2010

Instead of Time person of the year, who's B3ta's and why? (Thanks to Elliot Reuben for the suggestion.)

(, Thu 16 Dec 2010, 10:53)
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Just before I rush off for Christmas, here's a little tale about my nominee for B3tan 2010.

One snowy morning, I awoke in a content enough mood. I got out of bed, put on my warmest jumper and went into the kitchen to make myself a nice cup of tea. But - alas - it appeared I'd been robbed by a vagabond of some kind. All my food, drink and comestibles were missing. I'd even run out of coke. And lo, I was wrathful. I jumped around the room swearing like I had tourettes, even frightening the resident loon in the flat next door. I made a vow to take vengeance against the arsewipe who had made off with my tasty breakfast. But where to begin such a quest?

I decided that the best course of action would be to start at my own front door. Whilst I was looking about for clues, a wanderer trotted mysteriously out of the morning mist.

'Good day' quoth I. He looked at me as if I were brain dead. Undeterred, I persevered, for I'm no chicken lady.

'Hello?' I tried again. 'I wondered if you might be able to help. You see, I've just been burgled.'

The stranger emitted a high-pitched cackle followed by a cacophony of shrieks and wails reminiscent of some kind of traditional whorehouse knees-up. 'Go thou, and seek the magic dwarf,' he said. And then fucked off.

I thought this sounded like fairly bad advice, but then I was in no position to argue. I set off towards the enchanted forest where this chthonic being was said to reside. As I drew near to the edgewoods, I felt some trepidation. All around I could hear the rustlings of hidden creatures. What was that in the bushes? A mongoose? A goat? A foxy badger, or merely an amorous one?

'Don't be such a big girl's blouse,' I told myself firmly, stepping forward. Fortunately, it was merely a not-very-scary duck. Feeling more placid, I continued.

The path through the woods grew darker and more tangled with every step. I had no idea of how I was going to find the magic dwarf, but fortunately I had brought an automatic light vessel - more commonly known as a torch - along on my quest. But then another shape appeared, a man with a plan of some kind.

It was Robin Hood, but a demented, hideous version, a gnarled and withered ancient with a face like a smashed monkey. He looked like the devil in tights.

'Password?' he demanded.

'I don't have one,' I replied sheepishly.

It was then I had my second stroke of luck. Robin Hood was obviously a little hard of memory, and had relied on a truly amish information system to recall the password he was instructed to demand. He'd carved it on a nearby tree. Peering through the forest gloom, I could just make out the letters...m...o...n...k..e...

I bawled 'MONKEY!' as loud as I could. Triumph! Robin slunk awake, and then, out of nowhere he appeared before me, hooded in his inky cloak of darkness and surrounded by a ring of fire. The Supreme Crow - for it was he, henchman of the tricksy midget himself. Boldly - as boldly as I could muster given the increasingly strange circumstances - I made my request for an audience with the grand master.

'Why, of course,' replied the courteous corvid, and ushered me forth into a cavernous chamber sparkling with gold dust, wherein sat the dwarf, muttering nonsensities. I related the woeful tale of my stolen food, and the trials I had undergone to get to him.

And then what happened? Well, the vile little scrote just laughed at me, brandished a carrot he'd been concealing. He was obviously a terminal boozehound and even at this time in the morning was completely legless.To make matters worse, on the way home I slipped and ended up with a broken coccyx. And that all really happened.

Merry Christmas all.
(, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 13:29, 13 replies)
I see what you did there.

(, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 13:47, closed)
A+ young lady.
(, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 13:49, closed)
*raises eyebrows*

(, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 14:30, closed)
You see, when you do these sort of posts...

You always end up upsetting someone...

In this case - it was me :( How easily people forget...

*Clicks through the sads of being left out*
(, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 15:52, closed)
Hey! You're back
I was starting to think that Coventry had swallowed you whole!
(, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 17:32, closed)
It did, but it spat me out again...

Apparently, I taste like 97 year old semolina.

Good to hear from you too btw :)
(, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 23:19, closed)
I was going to nominate
the person who's post made me laugh the most in 2010. Your shitty chair post won hand's down for me but thought it was a bit arse kissey to put it in the main thread......there I said it here instead.
(, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 17:49, closed)
Aw, that's nice...

Nice to know someone remembers me *sniffs*

God help me there's been another B3taworthy calamity that's happened to me only recently - I'm now just waiting for an appropriate QotW
(, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 23:23, closed)
Excellent - I look forward to it, if it's even on par with the shitty chair story, we're in for a treat :D
(, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 9:18, closed)
Top notch!
(, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 17:45, closed)
I expected you to say:
"It did! It did! It really happened!" then cross your legs.
(, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 17:45, closed)

Not included.

Pah, see if I care!
(, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 18:41, closed)
*ovates in an upright position*

(, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 18:55, closed)

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