Noel!
Just before I rush off for Christmas, here's a little tale about my nominee for B3tan 2010.

One snowy morning, I awoke in a content enough mood. I got out of bed, put on my warmest jumper and went into the kitchen to make myself a nice cup of tea. But - alas - it appeared I'd been robbed by a vagabond of some kind. All my food, drink and comestibles were missing. I'd even run out of coke. And lo, I was wrathful. I jumped around the room swearing like I had tourettes, even frightening the resident loon in the flat next door. I made a vow to take vengeance against the arsewipe who had made off with my tasty breakfast. But where to begin such a quest?

I decided that the best course of action would be to start at my own front door. Whilst I was looking about for clues, a wanderer trotted mysteriously out of the morning mist.

'Good day' quoth I. He looked at me as if I were brain dead. Undeterred, I persevered, for I'm no chicken lady.

'Hello?' I tried again. 'I wondered if you might be able to help. You see, I've just been burgled.'

The stranger emitted a high-pitched cackle followed by a cacophony of shrieks and wails reminiscent of some kind of traditional whorehouse knees-up. 'Go thou, and seek the magic dwarf,' he said. And then fucked off.

I thought this sounded like fairly bad advice, but then I was in no position to argue. I set off towards the enchanted forest where this chthonic being was said to reside. As I drew near to the edgewoods, I felt some trepidation. All around I could hear the rustlings of hidden creatures. What was that in the bushes? A mongoose? A goat? A foxy badger, or merely an amorous one?

'Don't be such a big girl's blouse,' I told myself firmly, stepping forward. Fortunately, it was merely a not-very-scary duck. Feeling more placid, I continued.

The path through the woods grew darker and more tangled with every step. I had no idea of how I was going to find the magic dwarf, but fortunately I had brought an automatic light vessel - more commonly known as a torch - along on my quest. But then another shape appeared, a man with a plan of some kind.

It was Robin Hood, but a demented, hideous version, a gnarled and withered ancient with a face like a smashed monkey. He looked like the devil in tights.

'Password?' he demanded.

'I don't have one,' I replied sheepishly.

It was then I had my second stroke of luck. Robin Hood was obviously a little hard of memory, and had relied on a truly amish information system to recall the password he was instructed to demand. He'd carved it on a nearby tree. Peering through the forest gloom, I could just make out the letters...m...o...n...k..e...

I bawled 'MONKEY!' as loud as I could. Triumph! Robin slunk awake, and then, out of nowhere he appeared before me, hooded in his inky cloak of darkness and surrounded by a ring of fire. The Supreme Crow - for it was he, henchman of the tricksy midget himself. Boldly - as boldly as I could muster given the increasingly strange circumstances - I made my request for an audience with the grand master.

'Why, of course,' replied the courteous corvid, and ushered me forth into a cavernous chamber sparkling with gold dust, wherein sat the dwarf, muttering nonsensities. I related the woeful tale of my stolen food, and the trials I had undergone to get to him.

And then what happened? Well, the vile little scrote just laughed at me, brandished a carrot he'd been concealing. He was obviously a terminal boozehound and even at this time in the morning was completely legless.To make matters worse, on the way home I slipped and ended up with a broken coccyx. And that all really happened.

Merry Christmas all.
(jennymnemonic, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 13:29, 13 replies)

I see what you did there.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 13:47, closed)

Haha!
A+ young lady.
( girlinthehole, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 13:49, closed)

*raises eyebrows*

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 14:30, closed)

You see, when you do these sort of posts...

You always end up upsetting someone...

In this case - it was me :( How easily people forget...

*Clicks through the sads of being left out*
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 22 Dec 2010, 15:52, closed)

Hey! You're back
I was starting to think that Coventry had swallowed you whole!
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 22 Dec 2010, 17:32, closed)

It did, but it spat me out again...

Apparently, I taste like 97 year old semolina.

Good to hear from you too btw :)
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 22 Dec 2010, 23:19, closed)

I was going to nominate
the person who's post made me laugh the most in 2010. Your shitty chair post won hand's down for me but thought it was a bit arse kissey to put it in the main thread......there I said it here instead.
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 17:49, closed)

Aw, that's nice...

Nice to know someone remembers me *sniffs*

God help me there's been another B3taworthy calamity that's happened to me only recently - I'm now just waiting for an appropriate QotW
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 22 Dec 2010, 23:23, closed)

Haha!
Excellent - I look forward to it, if it's even on par with the shitty chair story, we're in for a treat :D
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 9:18, closed)

Top notch!
*clicks*
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 17:45, closed)

I expected you to say:
"It did! It did! It really happened!" then cross your legs.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 17:45, closed)

Bollocks

Not included.

Pah, see if I care!
(Suck it and Sea, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 18:41, closed)

*ovates in an upright position*

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Wed 22 Dec 2010, 18:55, closed)