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This is a question Bastard Colleagues

You've all known one. The brown-nosing fucker, the 'comedian', the drunk, the gossip and of course the weird one with no mates who goes bell ringing, looks like Mr Majika and sports a monk's haircut (and is a woman).

Tell us about yours...

Thanks to Deskbound for the idea

(, Thu 24 Jan 2008, 9:09)
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Mark The Cretin
I once worked at a pensions company in the Woking area (office now closed) where we had a couple of very "special" work colleagues.

The first was a guy called Mark (I'll see if I have more time later for others). Now Mark was intelligent, very good at his job and pretty efficient when push came to shove. The problem? He'd never ever been shown by his inbred bible bashing parents how to eat properly.

So what you might think.

I had to sit opposite this cunt whilst he tried to insert entire sandwiches into his mouth in one go and then proceeded to chomp on them with his mouth wide open. He would make squelching noises, spit food all over his desk and dribble onto his keyboard. The noise made me feel sick and want to pick up a heavy hole punch and repeatedly smash him in the face with it until he would be forced to take in any future nutrition via a straw. He would then sit there all afternoon with bits of food stuck to his face/in his hair/eyebrows/etc. Seriously - there is only so many days of someone doing something so annoying that you can take. He did benefit me (and all those who sat around him) in that we all took full lunch breaks wherever possible to get away from him. However he also made one of our senior management feel so sick in a "lunchtime" meeting where sandwiches were provided which he spat over half those there that we were never allowed food during meetings again.

He did provide a laugh in the end. An admin girl who got moved near to him lost it one lunchtime and after visibly getting increasingly agitated by his disgusting noises screamed at him "CAN'T YOU EAT WITH YOUR FUCKING MOUTH CLOSED FOR GOD'S SAKE?". Mark hung his head in shame and then carried on eating in exactly the same fashion. The pièce de résistance was that he then sneezed and covered (and I mean covered) his keyboard, PC and monitor in some variety of egg sandwich. I had to leave ten minutes later due to hysterical laughing at him whilst he tried to clear up only to have to repeat when on my return the IT Manager was telling him he didn't care the "D" key on his keyboard didn't work now, he wasn't having another.
(, Fri 25 Jan 2008, 14:11, 9 replies)
Comedic gold-dust!
I'm now sitting in my office trying desperately to stifle similarly hysterical laughter before anyone realises I'm not actually working.
(, Fri 25 Jan 2008, 14:16, closed)
i am so squeamish
about people sharing food/drinks/toothbrushes etc that you have just nailed my number one phobia (apart from spiders, but that one is much less "special").

i feel physically sick. you suck!!!!!
(, Fri 25 Jan 2008, 14:21, closed)
then you won't like the one about a young in first puppy lurrve couple giving it the snog-olympics, tongues lashing around like epileptic conger eels...

finally they part, if only due to oxygen starvation, and the girl says "that was fantastic, I've never been kissed like that before....but why did you pass me your chewing gum half way through?"

"chewing gum??? what chewing gum.... I have got bit of a heavy cold, though"
(, Fri 25 Jan 2008, 14:32, closed)
is totally revolting

I can imagine rswipe is gagging at the thought of it
(, Fri 25 Jan 2008, 14:46, closed)
Blind Luck
A company I worked for was angling for government work with regard to 'speak 'n' spell' software and the like. This blind bloke was assigned to us as a 'guinea pig'.

Apart from being a surly cunt, which we gave him plenty of slack about, being blind and partially deaf as he was, there was his eating habits.

He'd bring in his own sandwiches for lunch.

There was a horrid fascination as his long pale fingers crept across the desk like some bottom-dwelling sea creature, explored the paper bag containing the sandwiches and grabbed hold of one of them. Then he'd cram the entire sandwich into his mouth, fingers waving about his lips in a Dr. Zoidberg stylee as he chewed with his mouth open and sprayed lumps of food all over the place.
(, Fri 25 Jan 2008, 15:05, closed)
You just made me laugh and spit my dinner out.
(, Fri 25 Jan 2008, 19:14, closed)
Ooh Crap
I'm worried, Seriously worried.

I think I know that gadgey.

I think I went to the same university as him
(, Fri 25 Jan 2008, 22:11, closed)
God, that is one of my absolute pet hates.
I had to endure a 4 hour train journey back from Cheltenham with one of those people sitting opposite, having been informed that I hadn’t got a job I was after (the successful candidate sitting next to me). For four hours, this hippy (nothing against hippies) sat there, producing various tubs of home made humous and other assorted dips, along with piles of homemade bread, shovelling them greedily into his gaping maw, chomping away and smacking his lips.

Then he got started on the cider – shluuuurrrrrrp! Shluuuurrrrrrp!

Christ, it was grim journey…
(, Mon 28 Jan 2008, 11:00, closed)
I Once
worked with a similar fellow.. it sounded like a bulldog eating custard when he ate his dinner.

fat shit that he was.
(, Tue 29 Jan 2008, 9:53, closed)

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