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This is a question Biggest opportunity I've blown

Not Alan Partridge tells us: "I was once offered the chance to co-present a programme on national radio. Audience of millions, but blew up spectacularly, my entire contribution being the rustling of paper in the background. I was that bad, I have since burned my copy of the pilot show." Tell us about your big break, and how you messed it up.

(, Thu 3 Apr 2014, 14:22)
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The Crank.
I was formally the Assistant Head of Town Planning for my city council. I sat in on a meeting where demarcation was raised as a pressing concern. They were basically worried at the rate that land was being purchased, carved up and built on to meet the present needs of commercial expansion irrespective of whether this may be appropriate 10 or 15 years down the line. They were waffling away until I shouted as loud as I could that it was simple and I would solve it over the weekend, so they sent me away to draft a white paper outlining our approach to this.

When I got home and had more time to think it over I decided that things normally sort themselves out and that I wasn't going to bother doing the report. But then I became worried that when the meeting reconvened on Monday they would all be sad that there was no report or presentation. I couldn't let them down so I got to work on a better report - How to Carry Out the Perfect Cry-Wank.

It was a masterpiece. I won't go too in depth into it but here are some key points -

* rig up two TVs side by side. On one have Schindlers List playing, the other - some sexporn
* start off focussing solely on whichever of the two you find saddest (normally Schindler's List) and work yourself up into a sobbing squall.
* phase 3: generate an erection. This is tricky. You now need to eyeball the tv showing porn for long enough to arouse your peenus/penis but not so long that your sadness subsides. My report suggested reaching a semi and then making sporadic glances between the two TVs to create a happy medium between arousal and despair. I refer to this as "Crank Biting Point".
* once phase 3 has been attained you're almost there. You simply frottage away until ejaculation. You will find that your glances at Schindlers List become less frequent now as usually at this point the realisation that you're cracking one off over The Holocaust hits you and this perpetuates and reinforces your sadness levels without the need for visual stimulus. Word of warning - don't get complacent! If at the time of spunking there isn't any eyeball liquidity present - you have failed.

So anyway, I presented my weekends worth of research on the Monday morning. It took about an hour. Once I had finished the room was silent. For a moment I worried to myself that they may have preferred the Town Planning thing after all. But then The Chief Planning Officer slowly started to clap. Others joined in. Pretty soon, like in the films, they were all standing and applauding! They carried me out on to the street on their shoulders and we started dancing. Someone produced a 'boom box' or 'midi hifi system' and 'I've Got a Feeling' by The Black Eyed Peas featuring William started playing.

The only downside is I now have a mild Pavlovian arousal every time I see or hear something about the Hocaust, but I always did find it a bit sexy anyway.
(, Sun 6 Apr 2014, 14:42, 11 replies)
I like your work ethic.
(, Sun 6 Apr 2014, 16:43, closed)
I like your pyjamas.

(, Sun 6 Apr 2014, 16:48, closed)
10/10 for effort.
Which leaves you with a grand score of 10/100.
(, Sun 6 Apr 2014, 20:56, closed)
You...... Friend?

(, Sun 6 Apr 2014, 21:03, closed)
I'm quite glad that I abandoned this one during the first paragraph.

(, Sun 6 Apr 2014, 21:01, closed)
I dunno
A 'Hocaust' sounds intriguing...
(, Sun 6 Apr 2014, 22:26, closed)
Jewish Hos....
Wearing those slutty gold stars.
(, Sun 6 Apr 2014, 22:48, closed)
Focaust's greatest instrumental

(, Sun 6 Apr 2014, 23:01, closed)
got further than me

(, Mon 7 Apr 2014, 9:10, closed)
You certainly live up to your namesake.
It's a click from me.
(, Mon 7 Apr 2014, 10:26, closed)
You made me think of pavlovas
and their creamy, meringue deliciousness
(, Mon 7 Apr 2014, 15:27, closed)

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