Near Amsterdam is a small dockyard area called Bigge.
(I'm getting embarrassed already and I haven't thought it through to the end yet!)
Because it was adjacent to the bulb fields a group of beekeepers wanted to take advantage of the site to produce honey.
After much discussion they failed to come to an agreement so that was the Bigge stop port unity 'ive blown.
Ok I'll kill myself.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Wed 9 Apr 2014, 19:52, 4 replies)

My wife told me she once blew a really big one

( PooPants, Wed 9 Apr 2014, 15:20, 13 replies)

Cartoons for woolworths newspaper
I drew a cartoon sketch once about secondary selling ("so you've bought a kettle sir? You'll need a plug then!") and handed it in to the Woolworths instore newspaper bods. They printed it and i framed it.
I left woolworths after they asked me to submit a weekly cartoon for them to print.
I might be drawing for the beano comic by now.
Instead i went to work for an independent record shop which opened my life up considerably to new bands, vinyl and of course...drugs
(slipmatt Thats sooper dooper, Wed 9 Apr 2014, 9:25, 16 replies)

We are going to miss the opportunity of this being the next QOTW if we aren't careful
www.b3ta.com/questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post2256934
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Wed 9 Apr 2014, 1:38, 7 replies)

I missed the beginning of mars attacks

( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Wed 9 Apr 2014, 1:31, Reply)

Has anyone made a PEACHES GELDOF IS DEAD joke yet?

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 8 Apr 2014, 17:10, 3 replies)

I suppose "I don't like Mondays" will be a massive hit, lucky bastards.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Tue 8 Apr 2014, 15:06, 7 replies)

I DUN A PISS ON A ORCHESTRA

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 8 Apr 2014, 10:37, 15 replies)

She wanted to have sex with a girl. She wanted me to watch.
She wanted to have sex with the girl, and then she and I could have sex. I could not, however, have sex with the other girl.

I thought that was a bit unfair.

So I refused.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 8 Apr 2014, 10:17, 12 replies)

I had a great answer to this QOTW
but I pressed enter too
(Gordon Shumway, Tue 8 Apr 2014, 6:43, Reply)

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 7 Apr 2014, 21:36, 3 replies)

I missed the opportunity to cut Peaches skag even thinner.
Now my best customer's gone.
( Muns, Mon 7 Apr 2014, 18:37, 10 replies)

Back in the days when I had an office job, I once got into trouble with my boss over a bulk order of formal garments..
...for professionals responsible for adjusting the pitch of one or many tones from musical instruments to establish typical intervals between these tones. Turns out the stupid cunt has walked past the container holding said items. Yes, it was a case of missed hopper, tuner ties.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 7 Apr 2014, 14:48, 6 replies)

In hindsight, when the kiwi girl told me her boyfriend was out for an hour and I offered her a beer, I probably shouldn't have gone to the bottle shop after she replied she would like to to have six with me

( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Mon 7 Apr 2014, 11:58, 3 replies)

Do you want to watch?
No thanks, I already have one!!
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Mon 7 Apr 2014, 9:59, 2 replies)

I blew the chance of protecting my daughter.
She fell pregnant at the age of 13, she claims she was pressured into sex but has fiercely protected the identity of the father.

The baby was born last month with beautiful blue hair.
( Muns, Mon 7 Apr 2014, 9:49, 15 replies)

Internet dating pioneer
It was about 1997 and the internet was a wonderful place full of discovery and geocities with 33k modems and Yahoo was our master.
Being around 17 at the time I was not old enough to goto pubs and this new virtual world was a great place to escape to and that is when I discovered Yahoo chat rooms. It was innocent times and being able to talk to someone in real time who was hundreds of miles away was new to us all. I would talk to anyone who would talk back (when I wasn't harassing the Christians) and one day I met her. She was called Kim and from Belgium. We just clicked instantly. I was fighting the feelings for ages which I knew were there as it was online and how stupid was that eh? Finding love online was something no one had ever thought of before and didn't want to scare her away by sounding crazy.
I remember the moment. I was sitting on a bench outside a super drug with some college friends when it all came together. I loved that girl more than anything even though I only had one pic of her which took a hour to download! One evening before I could say anything she beat me to it and confessed love for me! From there on we would spend as much time talking online as we could and everything was going to work out.

Anyway to wrap it up, I never met her as I worried what people would think of me going all the way to meet up with someone online. She was the love of my life and I missed the chance big. Fast forward a few years and people proudly announce they met online while it is fast becoming the norm.
I am confident we would have met, married and be living happily ever after by now had I not been such a scared little goon. After realising I blew it I fell into a deep depression for years to come.

Moral of the story, FOR CHRIST SAKE TAKE YOUR CHANCE IN LIFE!

Sorry for length with no pun or hulk hogan related joke but you know, B3TA has helped me! Maybe next week I will lighten up?
(snarf81, Mon 7 Apr 2014, 0:24, 18 replies)

My neighbour nearly bought his teenage daughter tickets to a Tom Milsom concert.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sun 6 Apr 2014, 21:14, 20 replies)

Regrets? I had a few
opportunities that I might have regretted, if I was shallower.

Chance to be the head of UK toy safety consultancy for McDonalds?
Turned it down cause McD are vile. Their child-centred ads and intensive farming are plain immoral, and not something I want to be associated with.

Secure career in industrial chemistry?
Mucked about too much in 1st year and quit uni - sending me on a spree of dead-end jobs, homelessness, long-term benefit scrounging, and finally, a work ethic, sense of self-worth, and a knack for living happily on very little money.


Casual shag with the boss's trophy wife?
Told her to ask me again when she was sober. She didn't.

Broadcast radio interview with Steve Albini?
Plonker from the student radio station didn't know his mic level from his elbow, so the recording wasn't worth shit. Nice bloke though - and the rest of Shellac. They thought I was from Depeche Mode (Dave Gahan copied my look - I had the beard first!).

*shrugs*
( Invisible Wizard - 9th Level Pissant, Sun 6 Apr 2014, 19:04, 11 replies)

The Crank.
I was formally the Assistant Head of Town Planning for my city council. I sat in on a meeting where demarcation was raised as a pressing concern. They were basically worried at the rate that land was being purchased, carved up and built on to meet the present needs of commercial expansion irrespective of whether this may be appropriate 10 or 15 years down the line. They were waffling away until I shouted as loud as I could that it was simple and I would solve it over the weekend, so they sent me away to draft a white paper outlining our approach to this.

When I got home and had more time to think it over I decided that things normally sort themselves out and that I wasn't going to bother doing the report. But then I became worried that when the meeting reconvened on Monday they would all be sad that there was no report or presentation. I couldn't let them down so I got to work on a better report - How to Carry Out the Perfect Cry-Wank.

It was a masterpiece. I won't go too in depth into it but here are some key points -

* rig up two TVs side by side. On one have Schindlers List playing, the other - some sexporn
* start off focussing solely on whichever of the two you find saddest (normally Schindler's List) and work yourself up into a sobbing squall.
* phase 3: generate an erection. This is tricky. You now need to eyeball the tv showing porn for long enough to arouse your peenus/penis but not so long that your sadness subsides. My report suggested reaching a semi and then making sporadic glances between the two TVs to create a happy medium between arousal and despair. I refer to this as "Crank Biting Point".
* once phase 3 has been attained you're almost there. You simply frottage away until ejaculation. You will find that your glances at Schindlers List become less frequent now as usually at this point the realisation that you're cracking one off over The Holocaust hits you and this perpetuates and reinforces your sadness levels without the need for visual stimulus. Word of warning - don't get complacent! If at the time of spunking there isn't any eyeball liquidity present - you have failed.

So anyway, I presented my weekends worth of research on the Monday morning. It took about an hour. Once I had finished the room was silent. For a moment I worried to myself that they may have preferred the Town Planning thing after all. But then The Chief Planning Officer slowly started to clap. Others joined in. Pretty soon, like in the films, they were all standing and applauding! They carried me out on to the street on their shoulders and we started dancing. Someone produced a 'boom box' or 'midi hifi system' and 'I've Got a Feeling' by The Black Eyed Peas featuring William started playing.

The only downside is I now have a mild Pavlovian arousal every time I see or hear something about the Hocaust, but I always did find it a bit sexy anyway.
(Andrew Avetoom, Sun 6 Apr 2014, 14:42, 11 replies)

if only
If I had any talent and had practiced all the time and if I was lucky enough to be "spotted" at a young age and signed up to a top club and if I had any interest in football whatsoever and if my talent was nurtured in the right way and if I had a good agent with my best interests at heart who guided me through the best transfers I could have really been a contender.
And there's a fairly good chance I could get these damn rape charges dropped.
(Figmaus, Sun 6 Apr 2014, 12:21, Reply)

I was something of a child prodigy.
By the time I'd started school, I was already reading and writing at a high school level before the other children in my class had even been introduced to their abc's. Maths was a similar story.

I was flagged from day one and extensively tested and assessed. My results were consistently among the top few percent of students in the country. I still joined in with all of the regular classes but was assigned extra "special" work of my own. I still found it irritatingly easy and quickly became bored and disruptive to the other kids. I just couldn't comprehend that the other kids actually needed to concentrate and pay attention, it just never occurred to me.

I was skipped ahead a grade twice, until I got beaten up for mouthing off at a few of the older lads. I knew it all and was happy to tell anyone about it. It was decided that I hadn't adjusted socially and was to return to my original grade.

I quickly came to the conclusion that life was easy and that I didn't have to try at anything because I was far smarter than everyone else. Up until high school, this proved to be the case. I'd won awards, broken records, been on tv, in the papers and so forth. I was BORED.

I grew up in a fairly rough area, and from a young age there were MASSIVE DRUGS all around me. I'd always just acknowledged it as a thing that was there, but part of someone elses world. Added to my growing boredom, years of being told how excellent I was had gone to my head. I had a massive ego and refused to be told what to do by anyone or anything. I knew best.

This was the perfect recipe for disaster. I figured I could still do what I want, fuck around at school and get off my face, then just rock up on test day and accept my compulsory High Distinction.

It didn't quite work out that way. Instead of knuckling down and actually working at it, I just went "Fuck it" and stopped going, at around the age of 14/15. I've not completed any formal education since, in regards to where I sit in comparison to my peers, I peaked when I was 12.

These days, thanks to a little bit of luck, a complete turnaround in philosophy and a fuckload of hard work; I make a decent living and live a comfortable, mostly happy life. I still consider myself to be a reasonably cluey guy, but I'm all too aware of the fact that I have under achieved massively and no doubt disappointed a lot of people.
(showman, Sat 5 Apr 2014, 18:01, 29 replies)

I had the opportunity to invite Baldmonkey to my wedding.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sat 5 Apr 2014, 17:42, 4 replies)

I dint do the Euromillions a couple of weeks ago when that geezer won loads.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Sat 5 Apr 2014, 16:50, Reply)

I got one of the fan pre-sale codes for Kate Bush
but overslept and missed the chance to use it.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Fri 4 Apr 2014, 23:58, 3 replies)

I don't know
How do you know if you've blown it?

I was once offered the job - no questions, no hesitation, they wanted me - as area Ops Manager for a major bus group (my old line of work). I turned it down because it would have meant living in South London and I didn't want to do that at the time.

That could have been good - UK bus businesses are now running the public transport systems around the world, it's something we do well.

Thing is, I'm quite happy now in a totally different business.

The point, then - and this has been extensively worried about in previous posts - it doesn't matter. If you're going to lick your wounds about missed opportunities you aren't trying.

Alt - LAZY CUNTS - TRY AGAIN OR DO SOMETHING ELSE
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Fri 4 Apr 2014, 20:12, 4 replies)

nestle.co.uk
In 1994 I was building websites, a bit early on in the game. One of our clients was Nestlé, and after I'd told them that they might like to register the URL nestle.co.uk (which was available) I had a look at what else was free. We also did work for Mars, and mars.co.uk was unclaimed, as well as a few other planets. Some of our clients were in healthcare, and though nurse.com was taken, nurse.net was free as I recall. And so on. I thought it might be an idea to register a few of the more interesting ones for myself, to rent out or sell later, but then work came in and I never got around to it.
If I had, I would now be drinking my beer on my beach on my island…
(enile, Fri 4 Apr 2014, 19:59, 22 replies)

I could've Nailed it.
In the early 1990s I had an audition to review films alongside Johnny Vaughan on the telly. All I had to do was be filmed talking about the last movie I saw. The last film I had seen was Evita starring Madonna.

But I was so nervous my mind went completely blank. My opening line of my review was "it's got Jimmy Nail in it."
I then went on to repeat this random line "It's got Jimmy Nail in it" a further 8 times. Each time I delivered the line in slightly different speech patterns. Finally I ended the review by holding up a board with 4 stars on it.

The producers looked shocked and stunned. I left in silence and funnily enough didn't hear from them again.
And I fucking hate Evita now.
I'm still a Jimmy Nail fan though.
(Frankiepigeon, Fri 4 Apr 2014, 18:51, 5 replies)

If only I'd taunted Rob Fatbelm more before he had a breakdown.

(McChinaman banned, Fri 4 Apr 2014, 18:33, 4 replies)