this morning
when i worked out that the funky smell in my living room was coming from the rug, which had absorbed and fermented the utter stench of my feet. no matter how often i wash them, deodorise them or what have you, the smell never goes away. also, the second toe on each foot is at least an inch longer than the big toe.
my feet are fucking disgusting.


oh, i threw the rug away.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 15 Jul 2013, 14:08, 22 replies)

Perhaps some kind of slippers might be in order?

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 15 Jul 2013, 15:23, closed)

i wear slippers

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 15 Jul 2013, 15:26, closed)

although, to be fair, that's only in winter
or if i want to nip over to the shop and it's late
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 15 Jul 2013, 15:30, closed)

cure for stinky feet
My feet used to stink so badly, I could clear a room by taking my shoes off and my trainers used to make me retch.

My brother in law told me about an unlikely sounding but genuine cure. Get a tube of Nivea nappy cream. Here in France it translates as "protective cream for nappy changing"...dunno what its called in UK. Its a very thick white cream that I believe has Zinc in it. Anyway, wash and dry your feet, smear it all over your soles and between your toes, put clean socks on and carry on as normal. Wash and dry at night. It feels weird at first, but you get used to it. Do this every day and within a week or so your feet will no longer stink. I did this maybe 2 years ago now and its rare for me to get rank feet anymore....a couple of days with the cream soon sorts them again if they do start to pong again.
(dave likes cheese, Mon 15 Jul 2013, 20:49, closed)

That's down to the zinc oxide - it's a good non-irritating anti-bacterial agent.
If you can't find Nivea nappy cream, Sudocrem will work just as well, or any other brand of zinc & castor cream for that matter.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Mon 15 Jul 2013, 21:26, closed)

Comedy gold.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 15 Jul 2013, 22:14, closed)

alright DOZERTRON!
That post needs 50 more words, a comedy "waveform" and absolute ignorance of how wave-based phenomena actually work.

For bonus points, make some kind of allusion to my imaginary bedsit.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Mon 15 Jul 2013, 22:19, closed)

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 15 Jul 2013, 22:24, closed)

Oh man, it's just like the real thing.

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Mon 15 Jul 2013, 22:26, closed)

i may be able to do this one or two nights
as long as i got pissed enough to forget i was wearing socks. due to the massive second toes on each foot, socks cause a scrunching effect which gives me foot cramp. i don't actually own a pair of socks, which doesn't help with the smell :(
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Tue 16 Jul 2013, 14:14, closed)

Sounds like a fungal infection
Ask the doctor. They can probably give you something to get rid of it.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Tue 16 Jul 2013, 9:41, closed)

i may have to
i'm banned from removing my shoes in most peoples' homes.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Tue 16 Jul 2013, 14:12, closed)

Another cure for stinky feet
This is apparently the way they do it in Brazil.

Basically, you need to go paddling, with bare feet, in a nice fresh cow pat.

The (harmless) bugs from the cowshit see off the smell-causing bacteria. Allegedly. Haven't tried it myself, but the wife's mother swears by it.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Tue 16 Jul 2013, 10:31, closed)

no cowpats round these parts
the only cow i've seen in months was fake and at the entrance to southport pleasure beach
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Tue 16 Jul 2013, 14:12, closed)

That the grumpy old tart in the ice cream booth?
She's a bitch! 30p for syrup? robbing cunt!
( tim1701 I have no board signature!!!!!, Wed 17 Jul 2013, 20:58, closed)

ha! no
got ice creams from rossi's free with the rock we bought. went there with 2 kids and a hundred quid, came back with 2 hyper kids, a headache and 6p.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 18 Jul 2013, 13:41, closed)

I wonder if you have the same problem as my Dad?...

Heavens to Murgatroid his feet used to honk! So badly so, that he finally went to the docs about it (after incessant nagging from Mumflake)

He was told that the problem was that sweat was being trapped within the layers of skin on the bottom of his feet. He was then given what was (IIRC) an alcohol based fluid in a dodgy brown botttle and was told to 'paint' it onto his rancid plates o' meat straight after he had dried off after a bath.

He did this, it worked a treat and it would last a while before he needed to re-apply the stuff. I also remembering him commenting on the strange (and apparently not unduly unpleasant) sensation of peeling huge chunks of dead skin from his soles.

Euw. I mean, I'm glad it worked for him and all, but just euw.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Tue 16 Jul 2013, 12:42, closed)

ah, i've tried something like that
it did not work :(
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Tue 16 Jul 2013, 14:11, closed)

Ye Gods! You have my sympathies...

Nuke your feet from orbit - it's the only way to be sure...
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 17 Jul 2013, 9:05, closed)

as they look and smell like they've been stolen from a corpse anyway
i fear they may reanimate and come after me
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Wed 17 Jul 2013, 16:19, closed)

If would have put that description on ebay...
You could have got a fortune from that rug!
( tim1701 I have no board signature!!!!!, Wed 17 Jul 2013, 20:56, closed)

damn!
missed a trick there
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 18 Jul 2013, 13:42, closed)