Dan Brown - The Da Vinci Code
I might as well get this one off my chest.

A few years ago, when I was commuting by train between Reading and Weymouth on a regular basis, I got through more books that you can shake a shitty stick at. Having seen a fair few fellow passengers reading The Da Vinci Code, and having heard the buzz about it, I thought I'd spend eight of the Queen's Pounds and give it a go myself.

I got on the train at Weymouth, and let out my first "What the ACTUAL fuck?!" by the time we were in Dorchester.

By the time the train had reached Poole, I had already become quite sick of the hackneyed dialogue, the dreadful telegraphed cliff-hangers and the fact that every single important plot point is italicized, just in case you were too stupid to notice.

As we reached Southampton, it was quite clear that this was a book that could have been written as part of some kid's GCSE coursework, and the final straw came as we accelerated away from Southampton Airport Parkway as the final puzzle (which had defeated the finest minds this civilisation has ever produced for 500 years) was revealed.

"APPLE!" I roared at the Take A Break simplicity of it, "It's a fucking APPLE!", and I opened the window and flung the book onto the trackside. Somebody got up and moved several seats further away.

Don't read The Da Vinci Code. It's fucking awful. But if you want a free book, I dare say it is still there now.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 5 Jan 2012, 13:52, 19 replies)

It was tediously crap.
The newest one "The Lost Symbol" is worse, if that is possible.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 5 Jan 2012, 14:01, closed)

My daughter has Angels and Demons
...and that was just as bad, including the bad italics
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 5 Jan 2012, 14:02, closed)

In the film version of that
does Tom Hanks lean at an angle during every one of those moments?
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 5 Jan 2012, 14:05, closed)

He rubs his chin

( Michael Ellis contributes nothing, Thu 5 Jan 2012, 14:06, closed)

Oh god

( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 5 Jan 2012, 14:18, closed)

I read it in a day
which is about the same amount of time it all takes to happen

It's a fairly entertaining page-turner, but nothing special, especially if you've already read a fair amount around the subject anyway
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 5 Jan 2012, 14:16, closed)

no, it's a hideous affront to publishing.
the holy blood and the holy grail is much better, with the added bonus of being absolutely batshit mental.
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Thu 5 Jan 2012, 14:18, closed)

I think the hideous affront only really comes about as a result of its incredible popularity
if it had been published, been mildly successful and then sunk into obscurity again I doubt anyone would even care - it's the sheer amount of hype that damages it
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 5 Jan 2012, 14:21, closed)

plus the fact that it reads as if written by a fifteen year old who missed their ritalin dose.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Thu 5 Jan 2012, 14:23, closed)

Which is fairly standard for a fast-paced page-turner
If you read it really quickly, all in one go, it's not too bad - it's only when you actually stop and think about it for a minute that you realise it's such utter tosh
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 5 Jan 2012, 14:29, closed)

Spot on.
It's exactly that - a page turner, an airport book. Something to read on long(ish) flight. I found the subject quite interesting, but the English and the dreadful writing was akin to other books in the 'airport book' genre.
Sadly though, I made reference to it in conversation and family members assumed I was a DB fan. For Christmas that year, I had no fewer than five copies of the fucking drivel, including one in hardback. Illustrated no less!
I did read his others too, no doubt on some bloody flight somewhere. All were entertaining (apart from that last effort) and all were written by a 12 year old practicing for a GSCE exam, masquerading as a fully grown man.
(dchurch bah, Fri 6 Jan 2012, 20:47, closed)

You could tell it wasn't a keeper
When there was a glut of the damn things in Charity shops. Always a good indication
(Sir Tainley Barking Ezekiel 23:20, Thu 5 Jan 2012, 14:29, closed)

The only book I chucked into a bin when I finished it
it's a turd, I'd have flushed it if I thought it wouldn't have blocked the bog
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 5 Jan 2012, 14:49, closed)

You finished it?
You have my sympathy
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 5 Jan 2012, 14:53, closed)

I'm stubborn like that

(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 5 Jan 2012, 15:48, closed)

Bwahahaha!!!
I heard all the rave reviews and had endless people saying 'have you read this? It's AMAZING!!!'

Anyway, I decided that if so many people think it's great. Then it almost certainly is not. So I never read it and have not regretted my decision.

I did watch the film though with a girlfriend, and did read The Lost Symbol because there was nothing else available. Neither were any good.
(Woodlouse say it with flowers. Send her a Triffid, Thu 5 Jan 2012, 17:09, closed)

I've read it.
Honestly I've read worse. It passed the time but otherwise instantly forgettable.
(Captain Skippy pooed in a bag and left it on your doorstep, Fri 6 Jan 2012, 18:31, closed)

^^ This
One of the worst books I have ever read.
Stewart Lee said that Dan Brown writes sentences like 'The famous man looked at the red cup.'
How true.
( DumbMonkey The penis mightier than the sword, Mon 9 Jan 2012, 14:10, closed)

Yes yes, but
Stewart Lee is fucking shit.
( His Popiness the Hole Invaded Poland on, Mon 9 Jan 2012, 21:36, closed)