LIFE ON THE PEASANT WAGON
I suffer from a terrible affliction.

Something so demeaning, so shameful and utterly embarrassing that I sometimes sob myself to sleep at night hoping that its all some terrible nightmare and I'll wake up and it'll all be ok... But that's just never gonna happen. Ever. You see, I can't drive... I mean I REALLY CAN'T drive. Sit me behind a steering wheel of a stationary car with no keys in the ignition and I'd still somehow find a way to barrel roll the fucker, killing and maiming extended families, wiping out entire communities, causing explosions and more death than you'd expect at a bring your own sarin and semtex party.

So, I'm cursed to roam this green and pleasant land as a kind of transport zombie. Riding the peasant wagon for fucking years and years has thrown up some interesting highlights:

Tit Cumshot
Sitting and watching as a mother waps out one of her norks on an almost empty bus from Leeds to Huddersfield and starts breast feeding her eager baby. The little bugger clamped on tight and sucked like a professional porn star attacking a hard on. I didn't know where to look. So, being a gentleman, I just stared at her other partially clothed tit instead. (I was so tempted to ask if I could have a go on the other one; I could almost imagine one getting smaller as it emptied and the other remaining the same size; didn't want this poor mum to be a bit lopsided, did I)? As I was sitting gaping, silently getting a little tighter in the trouser department, the bus went over a speed bump, the baby lost its hold and came away with a resounding POP!!!, and a stream of mammary batter jetted across the aisle and splattered against some gentleman's face, causing him to jerk his head to the side and twat his temple hard against the glass.... (I was wanking over that little display for months... I just love seeing strange men get covered in hot white fluid with a little pain thrown in for good measure, really makes me cum like a broken watermain, that does)...

Child and Animal Porn
On a bus somewhere in Manchester I sitting in my customary position at the back, on account of being hard, cool, and urbane. I watched as an annoying little kid who looked like a miniature Peter Andre ran up and down the aisle pretending to be a fucking Jedi Knight (curse George Lucas and his shit new Star Wars remakes; it means now as an adult I have to suffer the sort of shit my parents generation had to put up with when I was a kid). The annoying little shit stopped at a seat occupied by an elderly chap. But he wasn't interested in the old boy, no, he was interested in the Yorkshire terrier sat next to him on the seat, curled up and having a bit of a kip. I watched in silent fascination and horror as the little boy gazed at the terriers chocolate starfish as if it were the most beautiful creation in the history of the world ever. Then, in one sudden motion, the little cuntbag made a noise like a light sabre and jabbed his podgy little finger knuckle deep inside the terriers tiny puckered turd tunnel. The dog yelped, startled to erm... buggery, and proceeded to try and bite the face off its owner sat next to it on the seat. The owner, also duly and reasonably startled, batted the dog tennis-ball style a few rows ahead of him, it soared through the air, little legs paddling, mouth snarling, and landed in another passengers lap where it proceeded to heartily and noisily deficate.

Self lovin
On the top deck of a bus from Rugby to Coventry, I think it was, I was feeling a little amorous. There was no other fucker on board so I slinked off to the back, unzipped and started having a tremendous, high speed wank while looking at the lovely scenery. The bus pulls over the driver appears and says: “Will you fucking stop that! I can see you, you know, in the mirror... Do you want me to fucking crash? Besides, it's putting me right off my dinner...” (I was about twenty-eight at the time).

Phlegm
Bus from Brixton to Euston. Busy as fuck rush hour Landan twattery. Standing cock to arse crevice with the person in front territory. I see an incredibly well dressed city gent type in a sharp suit let off an almighty sneeze, laying a thick spray of bright green sticky snot into the hairdo of the prim and proper looking woman stood in front of him. The slime remains in place, soaking into her barnet, it looked like a shitload of slugs had held a rave on the back of her head. Did the smartly dressed fella say a word? Did he fuck. He just stood there and looked a little bit embarrassed. Eventually the woman must've felt this goo trickle down her neck, because she raised her hand and stroked at the awesome display of snottage. The strangest thing was that she actually brought her hand to her nose and gave it a little sniff.... That was a bit fucking weird.

Ghostbusters
Fifteen years old, on the way home from school from Northampton town centre to a village on the outskirts. I'd spent a few minutes exploring Samantha Smith's bacon flaps with a probing finger, using all the skill and dexterity you'd associate with a team of raccoons performing brain surgery. After I'd finished roaming about in her innards, spent the next few minutes explaining that I loved her and respected her etc etc, I went back to my mates at the back of the bus and exclaimed just a little too loudly: “Sniff that, you fuckers! My fingers are fucking stuck together! This stuffs like fucking ectoplasm!” (Sam Smith never spoke to me again after that, for some unknown reason...) Though to be honest it wasn't a great loss: Sam Smith's nickname at school was Bruce, as in Bruce Lee, because if anyone ever got to have a crack at her slimey innards they'd be know as someone who'd Entered the Dragon and survived to fuck another day.

Moon
As a student on a bus somewhere near Foggia, Italy, I was dared by a mate to moon the next coach on the motorway that trundled past ours, which would've been going backwards if it was going any slower. As I was loosening my belt ready to get my arse out, my idiot mate even offered to pay me real hard cash if I accepted the dare. So, the next coach comes past, I'm up against the window and presenting my bare hairy arse to those inside, really pushing my arse against the sun warmed glass, holding my cheeks apart to give the passengers on board the other coach a good eyeful of my swaying balls and hairy brown manbox. My mate goes a bit pale. The coach trundles past and I pull up my kegs: “That'll be a gazillion lira please, my good man!” (Which probably worked out at about a fiver in real normal, good old British money. “Errr, what's fucking wrong with you?” My mate just stares: “It was a coachload of nuns...” (Oooooh.... bugger....)

Thinking about it... I really think I might try one last time to pass that fucking driving test...
( SpankyHanky, Thu 25 Jun 2009, 23:46, 20 replies)

Ha!!!!!
Love it!!! Love it!!! Love it!!!
(Grrrrr Tigers, Thu 25 Jun 2009, 23:58, closed)

great stuff mate
makes me glad i passed my test when i was 17 - have a click.
(stonethecrows is badder than a bad thing on, Fri 26 Jun 2009, 0:00, closed)

The strangest thing was that she actually brought her hand to her nose and gave it a little sniff....
This is fucking great!
(Lizard King, Fri 26 Jun 2009, 0:07, closed)

Good God this is good
thanks for the laughs, Spanky hanky
(Smitty Foster, Fri 26 Jun 2009, 0:15, closed)

using all the skill and dexterity you'd associate with a team of raccoons performing brain surgery
this is bloody genius. get the usual *click* sir
(Errin C, Fri 26 Jun 2009, 0:30, closed)

Actually
Given that raccoons are fairly good in the dexterity department, I'd rather have them than most chavs I meet...
( MatJ LOOK, Fri 26 Jun 2009, 0:33, closed)

Only on B3ta
can you get a discussion about rather having raccoons do brain surgery on you than chavs. I'd rather have a brain surgeon do mine if I ever needed it ;)
(Sweetie, Fri 26 Jun 2009, 0:46, closed)

brilliant
as always. lol!
(Sweetie, Fri 26 Jun 2009, 0:45, closed)

Hmm
What bus between Rugby & Coventry would that be? Cos there's a low bridge on the way, so any double decker would be rapidly singled halfway there!
(moogal has eggs, Fri 26 Jun 2009, 0:57, closed)

I've been on a rail replacement bus from Cov to Rugby
a few times - goes on the motorway. No low bridges. Maybe Spanky didn't think this detail added any comedy value to the post?
(Lizard King, Fri 26 Jun 2009, 8:12, closed)

As ever..
More Lols for your click than anyone else!
Body fluids and mooning at nuns.. Classic!

I can't drive either, I got mooned on my driving test and my nerves are shot..
(Beer Elf Thought this was like a campfire, anyhow, on, Fri 26 Jun 2009, 9:49, closed)

Have a click
For your post and in honour of Samantha Smith.

*clicky*
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 26 Jun 2009, 10:45, closed)

Slug raves & raccoon brain surgery...
Absofuckinglutely excellent post, matey.

There's about 4 separate winning tales in here, love it.

*ker-lick*
( TheMagicDwarf is back like ballroom dancing, Fri 26 Jun 2009, 10:54, closed)

I've just been told...
...that this was my 100th *click*, sir.

Couldn't be more appropriate - you've probably had the majority of the other 99 anyway.

Keep 'em coming, matey.
( TheMagicDwarf is back like ballroom dancing, Sat 27 Jun 2009, 9:46, closed)

How does he keep 'em coming?
Legendary as always mate.

*Clicko*
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Fri 26 Jun 2009, 16:48, closed)

Have another click...
...and now I have to clean my screen again.

You'd think I'd learn not to drink whilst reading a Spanky post by now.
(TheUnthinkingMinority needs some new music to listen to., Fri 26 Jun 2009, 17:32, closed)

Hahaha
Fuck it, we might as well just make a b3ta.com/spankyhanky section.
( Bob Todd whee, Fri 26 Jun 2009, 22:17, closed)

mucho clicks
nuff said :)
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Sun 28 Jun 2009, 1:46, closed)

LOLClicks
I haz for U.
(EffinDoubt is breaking glass on, Tue 30 Jun 2009, 7:55, closed)

Awesome work, as ever!
And the bit about the snot in the chica's hair almost made me heave. Disgustingly good work.

*clickety-clickety-coo*
(RVD420 has his world coming down on, Wed 1 Jul 2009, 16:30, closed)