"Total cost of ownership"
Please translate this to:

I am attempting to bend your mind with smoke and mirrors. If you make a substantial capital purchase then it will save you money.

Often (but not exclusively) used by "Cuntus Cuntus" - common name, the photocopier sales person.

I, for many a year, was one of these horrible individuals (though hope to god I wasn't as horribly cliche as most of them).

This is an industry that survives on inventing and adopting phrases to fiscally-rape your company.

Other beauties related to the industry include:

"Evergreen contract" - a way that you can commit capital to constantly refresh your office fleet". This translates to a never ending finance agreement where you agree to pay a vast quantity of cash to us every month - oh and when you cotton on and tell us to stop we'll terminate it - with 5 years notice.

"Total Volume Plan - you only pay 2 pence per print, including the cost of the capital for the machine.". This translates to "it only costs you 2 pence per print, however, you have to commit to a volume of 250,000 prints per quarter (which Margaret on reception wouldn't achieve in 12 years).

"Refurbished - in as new condition" - this really means a bag of spanners that nobody wanted, and that an engineer has either a) wiped down with a dirty cloth or b) removed the panels and cleaned it with Cif or other cleaning products available at all good (and bad) outlets.

"Document Management Suite - you can handle all your documents seamlessly" - for your average copier salesperson this translates to it has a scanner, but don't ask me what to do with the vast quantity of shit you'll scan in, not archive nor index - or indeed backup.

"We're on the OGC contract to supply to public sector". This should mean that you can purchase goods at a pre-tendered price. Did they mention the fact that they can add an "invisible" line called consultancy? This means they can walk into a school with 29 pupils, sell a multifunction printer for £1,100.00 on a contract and then put it on a lease - and oh yes - the consultancy was £2,800.00.

Now, partially, as the hunter becoming the hunted I tend to spit vitriol, hatred and man-milk over all those who try to yank me with these buzzwords.
(spongtastic - Fisting midgets since 15.45, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 18:25, 1 reply)

I wish I could beat the proper concept of TCO into my superiors heads
Yes! £10 now does seem like a lot, but £8 for the next million cunting years will cost us a lot more.
( Cadmus has teh uplikn coeds at, Thu 8 Apr 2010, 19:12, closed)