Confessions of a phone monkey
1. We all have a standard phrase we have to open the call with. Let us finish first. You can wait 5 seconds to tell us what your problem is. Interrupting me speaking won't fix it any faster.

2. The most common phrase I hear is "now, I'm not sure if I'm through to the right department..." don't worry. Explain the problem as concisely as possible, I'll either do my best to sort it (if it's quick, regardless of whether I'll earn commission on it or not) or send you swiftly through to the right people. If you launch into a diatribe about how you "couldn't be bothered to listen to the options", "found it too bloody complicated" or "picked sales because you didn't think any of the other options would get answered" then chances are I might accidentally send you through to the Welsh language helpdesk. Unless you're actually Welsh, in which case you'll escape because I like your accent.

3. I don't need to know the exact dates and names of the people you spoke to before me. Tell me why you're calling me, don't waste five minutes of our time detailing your last contacts with [company name] going back to the year dot. Chances are I won't be listening and will be perving over the limited eye candy in the office anyway. Telling me who you've spoken to won't solve a damn thing - we've got 30+ call centres around the country and I don't know half the people in my one, let alone elsewhere.

3b. If by chance you do waste my time by doing the above, don't then complain it takes too long to talk to someone. It's due to people like you clogging up the system unnecessarily.

4. Don't generalise skill level by accent. We have incompetent fuckwits both in the UK and abroad - similarly, we have decent people who give a shit here and in India too. Prefacing your racist comment with "now, I'm not racist, but" doesn't absolve you of xenophobic stereotyping. Neither does saying "I just can't understand their accents" - if you had that much of a problem, you'd complain about the Geordie/Scottish call centres too. (Nobody complains about the Welsh ones because the accents are so lovely.) When I laugh a racist comment off, it's because I'm trying my hardest not to tell you what I really think of you, because the inbound calls are mostly recorded, and I'm on a final written warning for the next 7 months.

5. When I ask you for your account number, don't reply "oh, do you need that?". I'm not asking you it for my own curiousity, our own rules generally require it to be quoted to change anything on an account. Apologise and act humble and I'll ask alternative validation questions; tell me to just "find [your] details from the telephone number and use that" and I'll dig my heels in something rotten. I can hide behind the data protection act if I need to, and I'm stubborn enough to lose £2 commission on a broadband order if you rub me up the wrong way.

6. Conversely, if you give me your account number and I ask for your name and address, I'm usually not listening, just waiting for my creaking computer to catch up and do what I want it to. I'll keep one ear open to make sure we do have the right address listed, especially if you've just moved home and someone's forgotten to check the right box.

7. Yes, I know company x/y/z do it a bit cheaper. Generally they'll get their money back other ways, or will have a profit margin so thin that you've not got a chance in hell of fixing a fault if it goes wrong, because that'll wipe out any money they'll make off you for the duration of the contract. Unfortunately our own rules forbid us from telling you the truth and so we have to explain why we're more expensive by promoting our benefits. (Actually, on reflection, this is logical. Just when you're being harangued by three levels of management for not selling enough that day, you want to do anything you can.) If you want it at that price go with them, I can't budge on the prices. If you care about price, eat Tesco value baked beans. If you care about quality, pay a bit more and eat Heinz.

8. Be honest. If you're just getting a phone line to pay us line rental and get calls/broadband through another supplier then it means I can leave you in peace and finish the call quicker than if you tell a transparent lie which means I have to follow a tedious script process.

9. You called us. There's probably a reason for doing so, whether it's to get phone/broadband/tv service, or to have a wank while listening to my voice. Don't have side conversations, answer your telephone, put me on hold, or make me fight over the background tv/radio noise. The reason you're having trouble hearing me is because I'm generally softly spoken - if you're straining to hear me, then you're concentrating on what I'm saying and not anything else. I'm not going to battle above your racket. (Of course, if you're old/hard of hearing/foreign, I will give you a fighting chance.)

10. You're phoning a British call centre, for a British company, in Britain. (Please, no comments on the two offshore centres. They make up 5% of the total phone monkeys, and we're closing them soon anyway.) Don't expect any of us to be fluent in French/German/Russian. Most of my colleagues can barely speak English. (And that's just those of us in the south east.)

11. The long winded script we read out at the close of the call? We're not doing it for our benefit. We have to do it, it contains important information. If you listen to it carefully then it'll avoid you having to phone up again to clarify the date it starts/cancellation rights/price/what it is you've ordered (yes, the last one actually happened). Thankfully the web-based system that the script is hosted on fell over today, and so having had a rap on the knuckles yesterday for not reading it out word for word and instead compressing it into its salient points, I made the most of it and halved my call handling time.

12. The system problems we have are generally not our fault. We do our best with them, if the call takes an extra five minutes just bear with us while we battle with it. If you think it's bad now, 18 months ago would've terrified you. It's actually far, far better than what it was.

Reading that back, I realise how much of a grumpy twat I sound. These are just minor annoyances with a minority of people - generally I love my job, and have a laugh and a chat with a wide diverse range of people or find things to amuse myself (such as the fault reporting system developing a fault earlier today). I know I'm not perfect, but 95% of the time I'll answer your query, sort out your problem or point you in the right direction regardless of whether it's beneficial to me or not. A large number of customers I deal with ask me if I have a direct number because I've been so helpful, friendly and polite (or the odd few who love my voice) - I'd rather sort someone out and hear a "thank you, you've been really helpful" than make £2 selling a broadband to someone.

If you've worked out which company I work for from the hints I've provided in my answers to this question (sadly the Security department don't like us mentioning the company name in the same context as anything negative if we work for them) and you do have a grievance, problem or question then just gaz me and I'll do my best to sort it out for you (even after this question's finished). If you're just gazzing me to moan about something in the past with the company then please don't - I get enough of it at work, and I'm not paid to read b3ta.

(I think this is the first time I've genuinely had cause to apologise for length. On here, at least. Sorry, I got somewhat carried away.)
(jamesthegill opens new tabs with his scroll wheel, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 22:12, 10 replies)

oh, I was with you up to point 9.
Yes, I called you, and I prefer to be polite, and I want to hear what you have to say - which means that when I come off hold and you answer I will mute the TV, pause my game, put down my knitting, make "I'm on the phone" gestures at family members who think it's a good time to start an inconsequential conversation.

But if the postman rings the doorbell to deliver a package, I'm afraid I will put you on hold for thirty seconds rather than inconvenience myself by ignoring it and having to collect my package from the sorting office. And if I had a job interview in the last week or two and am waiting to hear back, then yes, sorting out my broadband will get interrupted so that I can answer my mobile. An efficient call is your priority, not mine.
( Batsgirl, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 23:24, closed)

Ok, I should've been a bit clearer.
Something like that, I don't mind, and you strike me as the sort of person who would at least tell me you're waiting on a job interview result before answering. That sort of thing is ok - what I meant was someone answering the phone to have a 10 minute gossip (as happened to me yesterday afternoon). That's my fault for not being more specific.
(jamesthegill opens new tabs with his scroll wheel, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 11:32, closed)

Whoa there
So wait, hang on. So you work for Satan's QVC? Good luck with that ;-)
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 23:41, closed)

I agree for the most part with these
However, I genuinely have a problem with Indian accents, due to being deaf, and I really can understand Geordie/Scottish accents better, being all Northern.

HOWEVER, nobody's been shitty with me when I've had to ask them to put me through with a bit less of an accent, EVER. The 'Deaf' word is getting easier to use now.
( Methylene Blue - electrohead, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 0:15, closed)

Shouldn't you be asking
...to be put through to somebody who knows sign language?
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 8:43, closed)

Or call the textphone line :)

( Methylene Blue - electrohead, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 13:58, closed)

Well, you have a viable excuse there.
And the Geordie/Scots thing is an example of my Southern bias, so I will concede that point as well :)

This was mostly a stream of consciousness ramble brought about from a lack of sleep and several shitty customers. Re-reading it this morning after several cups of tea there are a few things that I ought to change/clarify (see my reply to Batsgirl upthread for an example) but I'll let it stand as it is, with my explanations and backtracking in the replies.
(jamesthegill opens new tabs with his scroll wheel, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 11:36, closed)

BT!
It's BT!

The 'landline only' bit, and the 'not budging on price' give it away.
( Lord Keeps meaning to procrastinate., Wed 9 Sep 2009, 18:19, closed)

Ssssshhhhhhhhhhh
And I thought "rhymes with ET" in my first post this QOTW gave it away ;)
(jamesthegill opens new tabs with his scroll wheel, Wed 9 Sep 2009, 19:26, closed)

SHEEP
SHAGGER!!!!
(Que?, Thu 10 Sep 2009, 5:24, closed)