i wonder what it would be like to screw on that table...
back when i was a baby lawyer and going out with one of the senior associates (yes, he who was not-so-affectionately known as "the bedshitter"), our firm moved offices. we took over from a bigger american firm that had carried out a state of the art fit-out, and the furnishings were amazing. especially the boardroom, which had an enormous, gigantic, round, polished, fancy table with electronic controls for various features of the room that had reputedly cost 75k.

it was also the filthiest thing you have ever seen. seriously, an 80 year old nun could not have looked at it without thinking, "i wonder what it would be like to screw on that table...". i first saw it on a tour of the office with the other trainees, and we all looked at it, and it was so obvious that everyone was thinking, "i wonder what it would be like to screw on that table..." that we caught each other's eyes and started giggling.

a few weeks later we had all been drinking in a bar, and it was heading up to being the end of the night. the last few stragglers said goodnight, and i dragged the bedshitter back to the office because i had forgotten something. it was about 2am by this point, and on the way there, i started to think, "i wonder what it would be like to screw on that table..."

the bedshitter was still whinging about being made to go back to the office, and needed a bit of persuasion. eventually, the lightbulb clicked on above his bald head, and he said excitedly, "i wonder what it would be like to screw on that table..."

so we got the lift up to the top floor and ran with much eagerness to the boardroom. unfortunately for me, i got there first, and swung the door open. only to see that the 20 stone head of tax had also clearly been wondering what it would be like to screw on that table. he was in his late 50s, corpulent, wheezing, pervy and red. and he was nailing his secretary. also in her late 50s, morbidly obese, bleached blonde and rougher than a ginger badger's arse. it was like seeing a pair of giant hams thrusting into an ancient jelly.

for the longest moment, the four of us just stared at each other. it was obvious why we were there, as various buttons were undone and hair was a bit dishevelled, and his buttocks were still quivering from his latest harpoon shaft. then i choked and we backed out slowly, eyes bleeding, unforgettable images seared onto our retinas. i don't think we had sex for about a week after that, it was a bigger libido-killer than walking in on your grandmother frotting on the cat. needless to say, none of us ever spoke of it. but it was very difficult taking advice from him about CGT and off-shore structuring after that!

and i never did find out what it would be like to screw on that table.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 6 Jun 2010, 12:59, 7 replies)

haha fantastic
'giant hams thrusting into an ancient jelly' is a total winner
( Mighty Nibus who dares gins | @nibus, Sun 6 Jun 2010, 13:16, closed)

it was great
right up to the point someone walked in on us . . .
( horace wimp needs more than 49 characters to fully express hi, Sun 6 Jun 2010, 13:50, closed)

Bastards!
I had just started to have a little tug and they went and ruined it.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Sun 6 Jun 2010, 16:16, closed)

*click*
For putting me off ham and jelly for life, or at least a week anyway.
( .Yeti., Sun 6 Jun 2010, 20:46, closed)

Why is it
That all I'm taking away from this is
'your grandmother frotting on the cat'?
(pizzaforcat ate some cement and HARDENED the FUCK UP on, Mon 7 Jun 2010, 4:26, closed)

All I can think of
is why do baby's need lawyers?
(langers, Mon 7 Jun 2010, 12:46, closed)

No idea
But they definitely don't need apostrophes :)
( Scrumper, Mon 7 Jun 2010, 15:28, closed)