Where to start?
I live in the heart of Slebsville, recent encounters include:

Jude Law - banging violently on his front door having locked himself out one Sunday morning. And then abusing his celebrity status to bum a pack of fags and a pint at the Queens, claiming his wallet was 'inside'.

Hugh Laurie - looking very worse for wear, shaking the metal shutters of Oddbins, demanding to know why they weren't open at 10am Boxing Day morning. We shared a moment of anxiety before they finally opened...but soon we were free to continue our booze-soaked Christmases. He bought a monster bottle of JD.

Helena Bonham-Carter - strolling out into the middle of the road and narrowly avoiding being smacked by the C11, dressed (as always) like a homeless heroin addict.

Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant and Sacha Baron-Cohen - having a heated debate outside Violette on Englands Lane. They were later joined by Helena B-C and Tim Burton.

David Walliams - arguing with the dry cleaners. He has the nicest house in the area. Bought it off David Baddiel, who was miserable dishevelled cunt.

Peter Crouch - just rented a place on Eton Avenue. His bird is well fit. But she talks like a fishwife.

The Ginger Cunt from Homeland - can't be bothered to look him up. My missus nearly faints if they pass each other on their morning jogs.

Rachel Stevens – my wife and her were pregnant at the same time, they bonded over fitness regimes at Tri-Yoga.

Russell Brand – literally running up the hill after watching Batman at the IMAX.

The Beckhams – sledging with everyone last year on Primrose Hill. Brooklyn ploughed into my nephew.

Further back in time, this lot have moved out now:

Liam Gallagher - plenty of sessions at the Steeles with him holding court. We shared the same dealer. Once, a mate of mine who works in fashion, plucked up the courage to ask him if he'd endorse his new Lambretta range of boxer-shorts. 'No fookin way!' Liam shouted. When asked why not, he jumped on the table and mooned the entire beer garden. 'Cos I don't fookin wear any, do I!'. Much hilarity ensued.

Chris Evans – was on nodding terms with him when he used to live on Steeles Mews. Drank himself into a stupor most weeknights at the Hill and had to be carried home.

Sadie Frost – huge sunglasses, desperately trying to buy milk with bundles of change at Shepherds Market, only to leave empty handed as she only had Euros and Dollars.

Noel Gallagher – posing outside his pad, the inauspiciously named ‘Supernova Heights.’ Once walked back passed his gaff with a mate and stood outside singing Wonderwall, neighbour popped out and threatened to call the police.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 10:36, 10 replies)

Such a shame that
NO ONE WILL BELIEVE A WORD OF THIS.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 10:51, closed)

But you do have to appreciate the effort he put in.

( Another_tragic_case wished he hadn't eaten all the cake, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 10:55, closed)

It could do with a bit more detail about his own millionaire celeb lifestyle.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 11:04, closed)

Money talks.
But wealth whispers.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 13:11, closed)

What about property assets?
Do they just content themselves with banging lies into a keyboard?
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 13:15, closed)

I think it's terribly cruel to keep reminding him of his past lies.
He could be a changed man.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 14:02, closed)

It all seems pretty credible apart from the wife and child.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 11:03, closed)

It's
worse than I thought then.
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 11:41, closed)

Ignoring me much?

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 12:07, closed)

Not anymore
fucko!
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Fri 6 Dec 2013, 12:15, closed)