Water Pistol Vigilantes
Around the age of 20-23 me and some mates went through a phase of soaking the innocent and not so innocent with SuperSoaker water pistols for fun.

Having recently come of age, we were in a position to buy the most expensive and sophisticated water pistols on the market - the kind I'm sure no child has the means to buy. We also had cars - this is crucial as our methods were cowardly to say the least.

We would 'patrol' our local neighbourhod and search for someone we didn't like the look of and make them our target. Our rules were a bit Leon-esque: no pregnant women, no old people who might catch cold, no tramps (they don't always have a change of clothes and a log fire)and everyone else was fair game and the more of a prick they looked, the better. Thus well-hard types, junkies, chavs, pretty boys, etc got the most attention, which, after all, is all they were after anyway.

Our MO was to pull up alongside them, on a quite-ish road and ask innocently:
ER: "Excuse me mate, do you know where the dry cleaners' is?"
MR X: "Yes, if you turn...[cut off mid-sentence]"
ER: "Yeah I know that mate, I was just checking you did, because it's you that needs it!"
[Aqua drive-by then ensues as 3 barrels poke out of the windows and hose down the victim.

On an average day, it was the most fun I think anyone could ever have and I've never laughed so hard as I have watching someone try and shout abuse while trying not to choke as water is sprayed directly into their mouth. On particular days, however, it got better. A good bet was to target people on the way home from the pub on a Friday/Saturday night and this led to our best experiences. The first one we targeted because he was with his girlfriend and thus liable to want to play the big man in front of her and he also had long hair! We pulled up, I shouted, "Hey Hippy Dude!" he looked over and we drenched his beautiful mane. We thought he might be quite cool and philosophical about it and I should say that anyone who laughed at it/themselves we always left alone, reckoning on them being a good bloke after all. But Hippy Dude went mental. Back round and round we went and each time he got more and more violent and vitriolic, punching lamposts, screaming abuse and howling like a wounded animal about what he wanted to do to us and our families. On round 4, his girlfriend, who had big tits and so got left alone, appeared a little put out about how personally he had taken our little prank and we pulled over up ahead to turn round and watch them argue before she stalked off leaving him alone. Time to deliver the killer blow and back round we went. This time, I shouted, "Hippy Dude!" as I had the previous 4 times but instead of racing toward the car with a branch or a bin (as he had done previously) he didn't even look up.

I repeated it but got the same response - we had broken our man, he had no fight left in him - and so to teach him that quitters never win and not to be weak, we let him have it anyway! Poor old Hippy Dude just stopped walking, stared at the floor and took it.

The best experience, however, occured nearby but with a different character. Well-Hard was out of his face on coke (we'd seen him imbibing in a pub earlier in the night) and definitely thought he was the biznai as he tried to walk and text at the same time. Criminal damage wasn't part of the plan but we must have fucked his phone up as on round 2 (we used to do a lap of the block and come back) not only did he turn the air blue with his filthy language but he also hurled the thing at us (and this is when mobiles first started becoming popular and so was quite big.) Round 3 and he started sprinting after the car for a little bit (20m); round 4 he was so pissed off he sprinted a bit further (40m) and this put an idea in our heads. Well Hard was clearly quite a fit lad and combined with what he'd been sticking up his nose earlier and the adrenaline rush provoked by our effrontery, we figured our boy had energy to burn. Round 5 saw us do him but then instead of burning off, we kept our speed low - Well Hard thought he could catch us and he kept going! But then an obstacle: a roundabout that we had to go round, but WH could cut across and as we pulled onto our new road he even managed to touch the car! He thought he could win and his near miss gave him hope yet! So we pootled along at 15mph, keeping him within reach for a further 600m and then disaster: he collapsed!

We did the, admittedly belated, decent thing and telephoned for an ambulance and even stuck around til it turned up and he got loaded on. We patiently explained to the paramedics that we'd nearly run him over when we found him lying in the middle of the road as we innocently drove back from our night out. He's lucky we were there really. Drunkard.
(el_Reedo Spanish partisan, Sun 20 Sep 2009, 11:36, 15 replies)

You and your friends sound lovely
and by lovely I mean a bunch of cunts.
( Laird Dave Draws Now charges to take off his clothes., Sun 20 Sep 2009, 16:17, closed)

HUGELY LOVELY
2nd-ed
(CADmonkey rollllllllled another one, just like the other one, Sun 20 Sep 2009, 16:31, closed)

3rd-ed
It's this kind of behaviour that gets people beaten up or worse, when they pick on the wrong person.
( milkybarnick is calming down Boris on, Sun 20 Sep 2009, 18:36, closed)

My water pistol story
What's the drama?
(el_Reedo Spanish partisan, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 0:59, closed)

There's childish
and then there's cuntish. You're a cunt.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 3:45, closed)

No real reason
Feeling childish or not, to go around ruining people's nights. I like how you feel you can quantify 'wanker'-ness, when you're the 20year olds with the water pistols. Off the scale.
( Rookie You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 12:28, closed)

Pricks.

( Bob Todd whee, Sun 20 Sep 2009, 18:30, closed)

in other news
expect to get a criminal record for this sort of thing...

bloody_youth/blog
(Superfool is going to skull-fuck your ladyfriends..., Mon 21 Sep 2009, 1:46, closed)

cleaning up the streets
only a bit of water,
good story :]
(Bludfoot rushing out since, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 6:29, closed)

I bet
you felt well hard after doing that. Grrr. Did you go and club a woman and take her back to your cave, too?
( shadyron, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 11:45, closed)

Going against the majority here (lighten up, it's only fucking water!)...
...great story. I also deeply dislike hippies so it's win-win for me!

*clickity-click*
(the_greeze last slapped a cheeky kid on, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 13:34, closed)

I'd love to know...
How do you select your victims?

I only ask because I've been the target of two drive-by eggings, one drive by water pistolling and one attic window drenching. I don't think I look like a prick, unless my brown hair, glasses and fairly uninteresting fashion sense singles me out in some way?

The other thing that you perhaps don't realise is that although you know that the water pistol is full of water, your victim has no idea what you've put in there. Being late for work because you've had to go home to shower and change could cost you much more than the dry cleaning. I hope you've grown out of this now.

(Apologies for dullness, it's taken me a long time to write this in a measured tone. You twunt.)
( e.m.m.y. foxtrot uniform charlie kilo india tango, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 14:04, closed)

You've got it all wrong...
...it didn't cost me a penny.
(el_Reedo Spanish partisan, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 14:58, closed)

Toughnuts
Like you, you mean?
(el_Reedo Spanish partisan, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 19:40, closed)

I'm in agreement with most...
...You're a dickhead. This kind of shit isn't funny, and it is only a matter of time before someone picks on the wrong person and get seriously hurt. Trust me, I've seen it happen.
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Tue 22 Sep 2009, 1:08, closed)