Fucking sick of life.
I am fucking sick of this shit town, shit country. It is infested with chavs and I am not *fucking* happy, I’ve had it with everyone once and for all, I didn’t used to mind these scum we call chavs but today my mind was changed.

Now, if you know me you’ll know that the only time I leave the house is to go to school; but today was different, I had to go to round the shops. “Easy peasy lemon squeezy” I thought to myself as I popped on my bright yellow fleece, khaki pants and plimsolls. I knew it was only round the shops, and my Nokia 3310 was charged so if anyone bothered me I could just phone my mum and she would pick me up. Anyway, I headed round the shops and thought to myself “This isn’t so bad… I should go out more often. Oh no, wait, then I would have less time with my girlfriend, Arsenal.”

Just with that being said, I turned the corner and to my horror, there they were, in all their glory: a crew of CHAVS just hanging around the shop drinking white cider. WHY DO IT? WHY HANG ROUND THE SHOPS?. I asked myself this question, obviously not them lol because they would have done me in wouldn’t they. But they did do me in anyway so I thought why didn’t I just say it ;p

Anyway, the ringleader of the group who I recognized from school “Mad” Max Martins grabbed me by the scruff of my neck and called me by my nickname which I get at school: “Puffy Pritchard” in reference to my surname, Dave Pritchard. Max Martins mates all laughed and started calling me Poncey Boy, and started making fun out of my glasses. One boy called me Geggsy, whilst another even had the lip to call me Gay Specs!

I daren’t shave because it’s too embarassing lol, so then they started taking the piss out of my first mustache! I was flabbaghasted and didn’t know what to do, but at least it’s just verbal bullying, words can’t hurt me rofl.

Having said that, one of the boys of the group, a rather tall and slim chap named Loopy Fiasco because his dad used to abuse him and now he lives in a mental asylum delivered a crushing right hand to my abdomen. I don’t get much time to work out, and since my abs are all skinny this punch shattered one of my ribs - it was the most pain i’ve ever been through apart from the time when my old girlfriend turned out to be really a boy. I cried for them to stop, I even spotted a woman walking past and begged for help but she just smiled and said “Go on, hit ‘im our Fiasco kid” and I was bit gutted like because it was Fiasco’s sis.

A rather small boy who I didn’t know then booted me in the temple. I think I could have easily knocked him out pmsfl but I didn’t dare because his big mates under the influence probs would have hit me again. They did anyway. Frankie Fraser-ov-Buxton Boyz fame (Buxton Boyz is one of the most feared crews in my town). He just fucking boyed me all over the shop (literally) like I’ve never seen before. I don’t remember much after that.

Suffice to say, I woke up on the floor outside the shop, cold and alone and to be honest with you I was wearing the proverbial crimson mask. I felt well embarassed, but at least my girlfriend wasn’t here to see it. I looked at my Nokia 3310 and to my horror I was in a video call with my girlfriend. She had seen everything. Oh well. I wondered why no one had called an ambulance or helped me and then I remembered that it’s because I’m of half-Pakistani descent and everyone’s racist ere.

I told my father but he said he was too busy playing Crash Bandicoot: The Wrath of Cortex. So I went outside and sat with my dog in her kennel for a bit, sharing those Pedigree biscuits. She liked the green ones, I liked the red ones. Such interesting lives..
(SirStromming, Sat 18 Oct 2008, 21:46, 8 replies)

Why do I get the feeling
This is bullshit? And not very funny bullshit at that.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Sat 18 Oct 2008, 21:57, closed)

Eh?
Click ignore if you don't like it matey.
(SirStromming, Sun 19 Oct 2008, 12:27, closed)

There is only one thing to pick up on here...
A Nokia 3310 doesn't have a colour screen, camera, or GPRS, let alone 3g or video calling!
(Not him., Sat 18 Oct 2008, 23:02, closed)

Indeed...
Although it is worrying that you remember this.

_{So do I.}
( jim_bob can herd cats., Sun 19 Oct 2008, 9:31, closed)

This is the funniest
and yet saddest, and yet funniest, and yet most pathetic, and yet funniest story I have ever read.
( kombu dashi, Sun 19 Oct 2008, 3:55, closed)

funniest?no.bullshittingest.
(Fuckpig "That's not even a pound a midget.", Sun 19 Oct 2008, 13:39, closed)

Of course it's bullshit.
It worries me, the number of B3tans who seem to have no sense of humour.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Sun 19 Oct 2008, 17:17, closed)

Indeed
Indeed indeed indeed.
(Dangerous Disco Trev Isn't my real name, Mon 20 Oct 2008, 0:38, closed)