Turin Shroud? Pah, try the Willenhall Mattress.
I once helped a young lady move house, seeing as I owned a large van (amazing how popular someone is when they have a large van).
Anyway, all that was left were a few of the big items, including a double mattress. Now, most people I've moved have either had a nice new-looking mattress wrapped in polythene, or have told me they are going to be dumping theirs "soon" if it is looking a bit tired. I can understand that, it's a very personal thing, especially if it is a scabby old piece of junk, covered in cum and piss stains, it's not the kind of thing you'd want anyone seeing, is it?

Well, this lass had a double mattress which was obviously quite old. I don't know if they lined them with lead in the old days, but it was bloody heavy, and it was well past its best, floppy in the middle. I asked if she was sure she was taking it with her, after all, they aren't that expensive for someone well-heeled like her.
Yes, absolutely she was taking it, it had belonged to her Dad, in fact he'd died on it.

Not only that, he'd left his outline on the fucking thing.

I was most definitely a little phased by this, especially as there was indeed the outline of a person on this mattress, seemingly scorched onto it. I asked if she was taking the piss, but she was 100% serious, so I humped it into the van and we took it with us.

The drive from Stafford to Coventry was, um, quiet, to say the least, her clutching a massive rubber plant in the front seat. I tried to broach the subject of the mattress, but to no real effect - she was very matter-of-fact about it, he died on the bed and then they found the mark, so there was no way she was dumping it. It seemed a perfectly normal thing to her, despite me saying little subtle things like "Fucking hell, that's seriously creepy, just where did that outline come from? Have you seen Hellraiser 2?"

Funnily enough, though she was a nice girl (ie. human), all thoughts of trying to knob her in exchange for the use of the van evaporated after seeing the mattress, just in case I ended up rolling all over Dad's outline.

And no, before some clever bastard asks, he didn't fall asleep in bed whilst smoking and burn to death.
(Rsoles, Wed 13 Apr 2011, 14:31, 6 replies)

I like that this is written in the style of 'confessions of a removal man'

( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Wed 13 Apr 2011, 14:46, closed)

hahaha AskwithLols

( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 13 Apr 2011, 14:54, closed)

I did say
"Phwooooar!", quite a bit when she was bending over, or I made that stupid noise with a whoopie whistle. I'm thinking of taking up Window Cleaning...
(Rsoles, Wed 13 Apr 2011, 14:57, closed)

Fucking hell!
You work with Cherie Blair's dad then?
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Wed 13 Apr 2011, 18:01, closed)

My Mum's too embarrassed to get a new mattress....
when my Dad was dying of cancer, he sweated up a storm in bed every night and consequently the bed is really stained. She's too embarrassed in case people think it's urine stains while it's outside waiting to be collected by the council..... The bloody mattress is well past its sell-by I can tell you.
( Sallyrsm, Wed 13 Apr 2011, 15:40, closed)

You should have asked her if
he'd fallen asleep in bed whilst smoking and burnt to death.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 13 Apr 2011, 16:53, closed)