Hello. And what kind of job are you looking for?
I was, I believe, an entirely reasonable Jobcentre monkey. Often I would help clients to avoid having their claims closed down, by getting them to sign a form they should have signed a week earlier, and backdating it for them. This helped to avoid mountains of crappy paperwork and getting them to wait for two hours whilst an adjudicator looked at their case, which would invariably be closed and result in them having to make an appointment to make a new claim.

However, my reasonable nature was pushed to the limit when a new claim interview that should have lasted 40 minutes turned into a two and a half hour 'banging my head off the desk' extravaganza.

The scene: 18 year old kid comes in to make a claim. I, your heroic new claims monkey, am assigned to do the interview. The lad is wearing a vacant expression that only a mother could love.

"Hello, I'm DG and I'll be interviewing you today". Shake hands, take to desk, and offer seat.

"Now then, have you claimed before? No? OK, I'll just run through a few things before we start". And I launched into the automatic spiel about the format of the interview, the basic rules of claiming Jobseeker's Allowance, and off we go.

"I'll just take a few personal details first". Usual stuff, check name and address, National Insurance number etc. It's going swimmingly so far. Now for the nitty-gritty.

"You haven't worked before?"

"No, I've just left school".

"OK, what sort of work are you looking for?"

"I'm not". Ah. This was a bit unexpected.

"But you're claiming Jobseeker's Allowance. To receive it, you have to be looking for work," quoth I.

"Do I?"

"Yes. Why don't you want a job?"

"Because I'm starting college in a couple of months time as a full time student."

"OK, but between now and then you could conceivably take a job, yes?"

*Shrug* "Dunno. Wouldn't it be taking the mick out of any employer?"

"Not really, there's plenty of seasonal work about."

"Yeah, but I'm not really looking for work, so wouldn't it be lying if I said I was and wasn't?"

"Well," I began, and launched into some helpful advice about how he could just say he was looking for temporary work until he started college, then sign off. Go through the motions, jump through the hoops for a couple of months, and all will be fine. As long as you follow the rules, it'll be fine. Client nods head. By George, I think it's getting through.

"So, what kind of work would you consider then?"

Another shrug. "Not really bothered, 'cos I don't really want a job."

Help. Me. Please. A colleague comes over "Everything OK?", she asks. I have a quiet word, she takes a seat next to me, and proceeds to explain, Janet and John style, about the rules for receiving benefit.

Cutting out a lot of frustration, we get to 90 minutes worth of interviewing. The waiting area is getting backed up with clients I'm meant to be seeing, but can't until the interview is finished. My colleague is getting frustrated by this point. "You're not doing yourself any favours here, you know", says she.

Eventually, he agrees that bar work might be viable. "But I can only do five hours a week".

Eh? What? Why only five hours a week? Turns out he wants bar work in Newcastle as the pubs in Alnwick are shit, and as he'd have to travel by bus, he'd be limited to how long he can work as the last bus back is at 10:30 at night.

"You're not really getting this are you?" I ask. But he was insistent that 5 hours a week bar work in Newcastle was all he could commit to. "OK, 5 hours a week but I'll have to send your claim to an adjudicator, and it's very likely that they will turn your claim down. You do understand what I'm telling you, don't you?" I said, slowing my words down pointedly.

*Nods*

"OK. You'll need to go and sit over there whilst I refer this for a decision, OK?"

About half an hour later the decision comes back. My interviews for the day have either been seen by someone else, or sent home with a new appointment and their travel costs reimbursed. I beckon my hapless halfwit back across and deliver the news that, as expected, his claim had been turned down on the grounds that he was placing unreasonable restrictions on his availability for work.

His reaction was not what I expected. "OK. So when do I come in to sign on?"

"Erm, you don't. Your claim has been disallowed, ergo, you're not entitled to anything, so you don't have to come in to sign on, because you wouldn't be achieving anything by doing so."

"So what am I going to live on?" he asks, genuinely.

"That's not up to me".

"But I've got no money".

"Well, you could apply for a job".

"But I don't want one".

It was at this point that my brain was screaming "Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhh"....
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sun 7 Sep 2008, 14:09, 13 replies)

And the worst of it is ...
.
you're not allowed to punch them, are you? Honestly, who brought him up to think the world owed him a living? My kids don't get their pocket money if they don't complete their assigned chores to my satisfaction. Hopefully this has ensured that neither of them will ever be in this position.

That said, what the hell kind of college course was he going to be doing with his, shall we say, 20 watt brain?
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Sun 7 Sep 2008, 14:35, closed)

^^ blimey
imagine trying to satisfy the wee witch
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Sun 7 Sep 2008, 14:46, closed)

Future Chancellor of The Exchequer There
Surprised he didn't claim you were denying him his 'rights'.

In the words of Billy Connolly (and my Dad at one stage)

"Away and fuckin' work"
(osok Rebel without a clue, Sun 7 Sep 2008, 14:59, closed)

spimf
"satisfy the WeeWitch"????

Be grateful you'll never find out, eh? You been at the brave pills again?
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Sun 7 Sep 2008, 15:00, closed)

Fight! Fight!
Tenner on the Weewitch....
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sun 7 Sep 2008, 15:14, closed)

osok
He was probably too dim to think of that...

Honestly, I met some fucktards during the course of my DSS/Jobcentre days, but he took the prize...
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sun 7 Sep 2008, 15:27, closed)

Oh I thought <i>I</i> had some dim patients
Good. God.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Sun 7 Sep 2008, 20:54, closed)

I would say let him starve...
but when he ended up homeless and addicted, the government would bail him out in the end and the taxpapyer would pay.As long as there's the opportunity to do nowt and get paid, people will.
(frankspencer, Mon 8 Sep 2008, 9:08, closed)

The poor kid
was as thick as a whale omelette and just couldn't see beyond the fact that he was going to college in a couple of months time.

Actually, he just couldn't grasp anything the poor sod. I still remember the vacant look on his face as he sat there for two and a half hours singularly failing to take anything we said to him in. That was 10 years ago, and it's still horribly fresh in my mind to this day.

The future of Britain? God help us...
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 8 Sep 2008, 9:38, closed)

A sudden frightening thought
What was he going to be 'studying' at college?
(osok Rebel without a clue, Mon 8 Sep 2008, 11:45, closed)

Fuck knows
to be a PE teacher, perhaps?
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 8 Sep 2008, 12:25, closed)

My afternoon
has been made by both this hilarious tale, and the thought of what it would be like satisfying The Wee Witch.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 8 Sep 2008, 13:23, closed)

Hung up on the fact he didn't want to work
You should have pointed out that nobody does, but it's how the Money Fairy knows to sprinkle her magic dust on your bank account.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Wed 10 Sep 2008, 7:41, closed)