Drunken Scots
When I was a mere trooper Placid, I took a part-time job in a working men's club in my home town of Coventry. This was in one of the years when Coventry was, statistically, one of the top 10 most violent cities in Europe. The club in which I worked was less than salubrious but there was an unwritten law amongst the regulars..

Don't fuck with the barstaff.


Ever.


One Friday night about twenty minutes before calling time, I was serving a stupendously ugly woman with an accent thicker than a whale-and-Welshman's-cock omelette, who had been drinking with some other sub-humans all afternoon.

She ordered 12 "Leeurrge wahusskees". Having worked in the place for a while and having been able to decipher near-comatose-through-drink Kerrymens requests for alcohol, I promptly asked her/it "What brand"?

"Byeulls"


"Ah" quoth I "Would that be bell's"?

"Yursss"

"OK, twelve double Bell's coming up"

"YA WEE GOBSHITE BASSA AH WANT LEEURGE WANS, FUKKIN LEEURGE WANS YE CUNT".

Trying to hold back my urge to tear out the eyes of this waste of blood and organs I replied " Large ones usually means doubles, I'll get you single ones".

"ARE YOU SOME KIND AH FUKKIN SIMPLETON YE CUNT AH WANT LEEURGE WANS"

It then proceeded to spit at me.


Icily calm, I turned to the next customer, a man-mountain called Big Jimmy C, and asked him whether he wanted his usual (two guiness and a double pusser's rum).


She went puce and lost her (albeit loose) grasp of the power of speech and just shrieked for about three minutes, throwing up AND pissing herself in rage. Turning to her eleven mates she started to shout "RIGHT, FUKKIN TRASH THe pla....."

Her friends were surrounded by the Irish navvy crew of which Big Jimmy C was the ganger. These guys were unfailingly polite and the only thing they did when steaming drunk (I:E every night) was sing Irish rebel songs, quite tunefully as I recall. Big, BIG, very hard men. Lots of them.

She deflated and turned back to me, crestfallen. "I'm sorreh but it's my husband's funeral",

Big Jimmy C turned to me and said "All yours Jimmy"*

I lookd at her pityingly and said "I'll bet he's looking down at you and feeling proud as punch right now, bet he can't WAIT for you to join him"

She started to cry.

"By the way, here in civilisation, we serve spirits in multiples of one-sixth of a gill, in Scotland you serve in one-quarter gills, God alone knows why because you patently can't handle it".


"Now get out".

They left.

Big Jimmy C shook my hand and said "Thanks for not swearing Jimmy, I don't like to hear a young gentleman such as yourself using foul language, but you was a bit harsh".
He pondered for a moment and said shyly "But then again, I'd have lamped her".

The steward of the place recieved a very nice letter of apology from the head of the family and £50 for staff drinks about a week later.


RIP Big Jimmy C, a big gentle man. Cancer's a bastard.





*BTW, if you meet me, please don't call me "Jimmy" unless you are at least as big as Big Jimmy C.**


** Trust me on this, you aren't. Seriously.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Sun 7 Sep 2008, 16:52, 15 replies)

'civilisation'
i think you'll find in scotland we serve in 25ml or 35ml measures

have done since march 2001

the reason we favoured the 1/4 gill then subsequently the 35ml is that we are not tight fisted miserable cunts like those in 'civilisation'

i have yet to meet an englishman who can get plastered without wanting to batter some poor cunt for nothing

scots are welcomed around the world with open arms - unlike the english who are generally as welcome as complimentary rape for the under 5's
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Sun 7 Sep 2008, 17:17, closed)

ml measures?
In 1979?

My experience in a predominantly Scots and Irish club taught me that I'd rather be in a room full of Irishmen than Scotsmen.

YMMV
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Sun 7 Sep 2008, 17:51, closed)

sorry this is question of the week...
not questions that need carbon dating.. 1979 FFS have you no anecdotes under the 30 year mark

what part of 'march 2001' wasn't clear anyway

your preference over scots/irish is your own

i think you'll also find the average scots/irish/welsh/french/italian/i could go on, would rather be in a room full of raw sewage than a room full of wankers with your attitude towards 'civilisation'

its your ideal of 'civilisation' that marks you clearly as a cock
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Sun 7 Sep 2008, 17:57, closed)

Capt.
do you think she was lying about the funeral? That would have been the first thing that popped into my mind after a uber-tantrum like that and a weak attempt to excuse her rotten behavior. Plus the family's apology!

Your mate Jimmy sounds like he was one of the greats. Sorry to hear about him.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Sun 7 Sep 2008, 20:47, closed)

Having met the Captain
I can cheerfully confirm he is not a cock. I think there's been a misunderstanding here, date-wise. CP is referring to measurements in 1979 when the episode took place.

I've met nice people, I've met wankers, of all nationalities. One of my favourite pubs is the Scotsman's Lounge in Edinburgh. I take the ribbing of the English with good humour when there, and they take it back with equal joviality (possibly hailing from the North East helps, I don't know). Tourette's even has an English-bashing t-shirt from there. But in this instance I think the Captain was justified in his response - if you're treating someone like a cunt, expect the same in return.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sun 7 Sep 2008, 20:50, closed)

Good QOTW answer, well told Capt.
I first came to Cov in 1993 and didn't like it much on 1st impressions (train station and the Maplin shop where I was working, next to the sorting office) but the years have moderated it somewhat. Still not been to any WMC though, as that would probably rule me out on the W and M of the acronym :-)

And Spimf, don't get overly upset, Capt Placid I have met but the once, but can confirm he's a decent bloke, and the only bones I heard him crack on that night were the chripractically-fixed ones of an ex-ballet dancer at the same venue who needed her skeleton manipulated.

I'm sure under other circumstances than 'on the internet' you'd both get on well so let's not start a festering online snipey comment fest.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Sun 7 Sep 2008, 21:08, closed)

@Spimf
Your overstepping the line again.



----------------------------

^This one.



Don't make me come over there and smack your arse. I fucking hate long haul flights.
( girlinthehole, Sun 7 Sep 2008, 21:18, closed)

Wow, good to know
if you want to piss off Spimf, take a pop at Scotland.

Duly noted.
(Stu Moo winner of five nobble piece prizes, Sun 7 Sep 2008, 21:19, closed)

priceless
giggling like a mong on mushrooms at this one:
``you was a bit harsh ... but then again, I'd have lamped her".
(tuqueboy has been in a medically -induced coma since, Sun 7 Sep 2008, 23:09, closed)

^ echoes what DG & RWH said
I liked Captain Placid so much when I met him that I smeared my norks all over his windscreen (at Madam Marlboro's suggestion). Spimf is also a thoroughly decent bloke with sound moral values. It's all too easy to misinterpret the written word - none of us QOTWheekers are twunts, we're all fluffeh and friendly.

*raises a glass of wine to fluff*

*notes glass is empty*

Fuck.
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Sun 7 Sep 2008, 23:13, closed)

@Spimf
I know you've not actually met me, but rest assured that there's at least one Englishman out here who can get any kind of drunk without wanting to batter someone for nothing.

I think it's something to do with my refusal to drink cheap crap. Tried it as a student, didn't like it.
( uberdeity Wondered why Owen Lars knew of the term "hell" on, Mon 8 Sep 2008, 15:43, closed)

And us 'Merkins
can get quite toasty without getting beer muscles as well. I have yet to get into a drunken fight with anyone, ever. And I'm 45.

And the Captain is far from being a cock- I've only met him once, but was quite impressed. He's not only more intimidating in person than through his stories, he's also a well spoken storyteller, and a genuinely nice bloke.

Which is why the woman in the story continues to draw breath, I'd wager.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 8 Sep 2008, 18:58, closed)

@Spimf…

Glad as I am to see you raging again (I was starting to think you’d gone soft (oo-er))
I do feel your outburst might be a bit misplaced this time.

I’m proud to say I’ve known Captain Placid for many a year, and have joined him on many an adventure.

Which is usually quite unfortunate for me. Because he’s one of the world’s finest individuals, when we meet people it constantly highlights what an utter mongtoid tosspot I am.

He’s a funny, talented, generous & genuine bloke…who just happens to be more solid than Hitler’s bunker with an extra layer of concrete on top. CP is one of those people who goes through life making everybody around him feel a bit better simply by knowing him – as you can no doubt tell from the replies from those who have.

You’re alright in my book, Spimf…but only one person on B3ta can call Captain Placid a ‘cock’…and that’s me.



Cap, If you read this…then…erm…don’t get all mushy…erm…normal service will be resumed at the bash on Saturday…
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Tue 9 Sep 2008, 16:48, closed)

Note to self don't call the Captain "Jimmy"
How about Jimmyjoo? :p
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Wed 10 Sep 2008, 14:41, closed)

@TGB...

Call him 'JimmyJoo' at the bash on Saturday and the first pint is definitely on me!
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 10 Sep 2008, 17:09, closed)