Muck-filled platypus
You know those platypus squishy water containers you get where you drink from a tube coming out of your rucksack? Well, thinking I was clever I got one of those to use while working in the Libyan desert. What I hadn't anticipated was the huge amount of dust. At least when you drink from a bottle, the lid keeps the mouthpiece fairly protected. Not so with the platypus tubing - it's a veritable dirt magnet.

I sucked from the tube of doom without properly cleaning the nipple. I swallowed down the contents without stopping to ask myself: "what's the worst that can happen?".

I ended up with cryptosporidiosis. Despite what my mates say, it cannot be caught from snogging cryptographers or rimming a goat (and I was guilty of only one of those things). It's a nasty parasite transmitted through water contaminated with diseased faecal matter. The symptoms are horrendous and not dissimilar to amoebic dysentery with extra vomiting. It's rarely fatal in healthy adults but my case was somewhat exacerbated by being in a hut in the middle of nowhere with sporadic water and electric and bugger all in the way of decent sanitation or appropriate medical supplies.

When I got home I had to shit in a test tube at the doctor's surgery and my local council sent me a letter saying I was banned from all the city's swimming pools until two weeks after my return to full health.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 11:08, 13 replies)

Classy...

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 13 Feb 2009, 11:12, closed)

How do you shit in a test tube?

(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Fri 13 Feb 2009, 11:15, closed)

Well, I'm glad you asked
In actual fact you shit into a larger container and then decant into the test tube using the provided 'spoon' type device*.

*although 'spoon' would suggest a more solid sample than was actually the case.

I'm one classy lady, I know.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 11:18, closed)

How about
"Shit Ladle"?
( uberdeity Wondered why Owen Lars knew of the term "hell" on, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 12:14, closed)

'shit ladle'
would be spot on and I suggest that you patent it promptly.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 12:35, closed)

Those things would have happened anyway due to your poor hygiene
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 11:16, closed)

I resent such accusations!
I'll have you know I'm typing this from the bath.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 11:19, closed)

under or in? Be honest.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 11:20, closed)

Ha!
I bet you wee'd in that bath!




*wees dreamily into his bath*
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 11:21, closed)

That can actually be prescribed
e.g. when you have such a nasty genitourinal infection it feels like you are pissing molten lead.
( monkeybananaraffle, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 12:13, closed)

when I said 'bath'
I meant I was naked and covered in fluid.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 13 Feb 2009, 11:21, closed)

Naked?
At this time of the day?
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Fri 13 Feb 2009, 11:28, closed)

And this fluid...
...is it your own?
(Apathyman Prepare to be underwhelmed..., Fri 13 Feb 2009, 12:33, closed)