Expanded on a repost.
A good seven or eight years ago, I was in a bit of a post breakup slump. When I got a text from a female friend-of-a-friend that I'd previously turned down through being not single, I unsurprisingly perked up. Drinks, she said. Given I'd spent the last month or so drunk and had hazy memories of her being short and cute, I agreed instantly.

The night we were due to meet I set up shop in one of my local pubs, reasoning that if I went somewhere most of my usual crowd didn't it would be a bit quieter and I was less likely to get invaded and/or cockblocked. I'm pretty thankful I made that choice, though only because it meant nobody saw my shame. I was midway through my second pint of Guinness, wondering when my petite, cute friend was going to turn up, when the door opened. I glanced up, clocked an eyeful of some foul beast so large as to have her own orbit, shrugged, and looked back to my pint. It obviously wasn't her, she was far too oh fuck she's sitting down.

Of course it was fucking her. She'd just eaten half of the Cherry Bakewells in fucking Bakewell since I'd seen her last.

Not being a complete cunt (only a medium one), I got a round of drinks in. I figured that I could have a pleasant chat and catch up before escaping. She got a round of drinks in. I figured that we could chat a bit more, it was early still. I got another round of drinks in. There's still time to get in to town. She got more. I got more. Drinks were had. Fuck me it's midnight, the pub's kicking out, and I'm arseholed.

"We going to go fuck or what?" she leered. I slurred something in reply and we shambled down the street vaguely towards my house. It took a long time, because it hurt her to walk. She could only manage a snail's pace. Unfortunately I didn't sober up enough on the walk to realise this is a warning sign a mile wide. Regardless, I got home and did the deed, despite the Guinness; on the plus side, she was fucking filthy. Passed out.

When morning rolled around I woke up with a splitting headache and a beached manatee in my bed. I did the polite thing and got the fuck out of my room because I couldn't deal with seeing that thing so early in the morning. She was deaf in one ear (rolls of fat in her ear canal?) so didn't hear me get up, thankfully. I popped down to the corner shop and availed myself of bread and bacon, because I was a poor student and apparently didn't have any food in the house. When I was cooking the bacon the smell made me nauseous, so I dumped all six rashers that I'd bought into one sandwich and presented it to her. She woke instantly and devoured it without hesitation.

I had to wait until I was sure my housemates had gone to work before I figured it was safe to shoo her out. Five minutes later she was outside my window, calling in. "WHEN WE FUCKED LAST NIGHT I LEFT MY PHONE IN YOUR ROOM".

I lived opposite a primary school. It was break time.

I still can't eat smoked bacon.

tl:dr; Bloke fucked fat bird, bacon causes flashbacks.
( gone, Thu 4 Sep 2014, 13:55, 19 replies)

there is certainly one pig in this story...

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 4 Sep 2014, 14:23, closed)

Three, if you count the bacon.

( gone, Thu 4 Sep 2014, 14:25, closed)

"yes lisa, a wonderful, magical animal...."

( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 4 Sep 2014, 15:07, closed)

To me this sounds like a Date Went Well. You got pissed and only paid for half the ale, got a dirty fuck and didn't see her again (assuming I know). Sounds great.
(chovnik, Thu 4 Sep 2014, 14:43, closed)

Every cloud etc.

( gone, Thu 4 Sep 2014, 20:00, closed)

why would you share a story that makes you seem like a complete failure of a human being? that's very weird

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 4 Sep 2014, 14:53, closed)

I thought that's what posting an answer on QOTW was for?
I'll make up something about drugs and supermodels next time.

I don't think putting one in a fat girl is a complete failure. Some people like that kind of thing!
( gone, Thu 4 Sep 2014, 19:41, closed)

that wasn't the failure, dear

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 4 Sep 2014, 19:51, closed)

between the mild alcoholism and general cuntery it was the lowest year of my life.
At least this one didn't bring a knife to bed though.

Lol comedy website!
( gone, Thu 4 Sep 2014, 19:59, closed)

I'll repost it again later but make it upbeat with a happy ending.
I'll eat the bacon and everything.
( gone, Thu 4 Sep 2014, 20:09, closed)

Could you link to the original post,
So we can compare how much of an arsehole you are now to how much of an arsehole you used to be?
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Thu 4 Sep 2014, 15:05, closed)

It was much shorter and had less swearing in it, and not really worth finding.
I can't really remember what I was like back then. Probably more of an arsehole as at the time I wasn't exaggerating for "comedic effect" on a website.

^upset or whatever.
( gone, Thu 4 Sep 2014, 19:51, closed)

^Chauvinistic wanker who should keep it in his pants.
Or whatever.
(immadme, Thu 4 Sep 2014, 21:49, closed)

I should have too, I'm fairly sure she gave me chlamydia. :(
I think if I was a chauvinist I wouldn't have fed her.
( gone, Thu 4 Sep 2014, 22:25, closed)

Did watching the rashers sweat in the pan remind you of her crinkled, greasy labia from the night before?
( .Yeti., Thu 4 Sep 2014, 17:41, closed)

You're reading that aloud to yourself aren't you?

( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Thu 4 Sep 2014, 17:43, closed)

And...
... I'm done.
(immadme, Thu 4 Sep 2014, 18:34, closed)

I closed my eyes and it smelt the same.

( gone, Thu 4 Sep 2014, 19:52, closed)

Bacon-scented pussy doesn't sound all that bad of an idea.

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 10:03, closed)

I was thinking more of pussy-scented bacon for a Surf 'n' Turf All-Day Breakfast.

( .Yeti., Fri 5 Sep 2014, 10:49, closed)