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This is a question Destruction, Demolition and Deconstruction

The Lone Groover says "I've just taken down a pergola with a metre-deep Russian vine over the top. It had nine birds' nests in it, and had rotted all of the cross timbers. It covered the entire lawn and needs a skip of its own." What's the biggest/worst thing you've ever taken down? Tell us your tales of demolition and wanton destruction.

(, Thu 8 Nov 2012, 13:17)
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Slightly embellished tale of love nest destruction
In the part of the world where I grew up, it had across the road a large bushland reserve. This reserve had never been developed or part of an ancient civilizations development plans or anything like and so other than being completely natural had, no defining features.

But, for a kid, it was paradise. Bush and tree’s and waterholes and lizards and snakes and spiders but, most importantly it had caves. Some were just over hangs and rather exposed but, if you knew where to look there was a couple that had the full darkness, hard to access appeal. One in particular had a very small low entrance and at the back and high in the cave roof, where the stone had split a gap about a hand span wide and 30cm long. It worked like a small skylight when you where in the cave.

Also in our street we had the resident bully, Chris. He was the stereotypical bully, a few years older than his victims, not that bright, no mates his own age due to him being a complete dick and a coward with capacity for nothing more than inflicting pain and torture on things smaller than him. One of his favourite tricks was to pin a small kids arms back, kick their legs out from under them and then let go, so that you would land chin first and bight your tongue (I still have a tongue scar from this one). He loved to tease dogs, kick kittens, and pull the wings off cicadas. All the good stuff that goes into making a high calibre bully.

(Tales of when he stopped growing at 5ft 9 and had the physique of someone who did no exercise or sport with a love of cream cakes and beer and I grew to 6ft 4 played a lot of sport and more importantly was considering the purchase of a Honda Accord for another time).

When Chris reached his teenage years, he discovered girls but, being the dick he was, he only really hooked up with the girls no one else wanted anything to do with. You know the sort, 13 years old boob tube wearing, smoking, foul mouthed, 40kg overweight, tonnes of badly applied make up covering the meat lovers pizza that was their complexion.

What Chris did work out was that these type of girls generally have very low self esteem and are quite open to manipulation and suggestion and as they are morally quite deficient, they usually have very few limits and for those with limits, a little forced action and reminding them that no one else would have them and they should appreciate the attention OR ELSE, dealt with the complaints.

Chris was quite open about this with the younger kids and seeing him and one of the swamp donkeys he hung about with coming out of the bushes you knew you were going to be put in a head lock and have his fingers shoved in front of you face, while he encouraged you to “smell me fingers, smell me fingers, smell me fingers, you know what that is? It’s cunt! You will never smell it cause you’re a fag”. His partners in seafood saucing his hands never seemed to mind when he did this in front of them, in fact they found it quite funny. One of his girls, Michelle, took offence when one of the younger girls in the street (probably 9 at the time) claimed she couldn’t smell anything and while Chris held her arms behind her back Michelle held her face up against her manky minge and ground her crutch against nose and mouth while shouting, “Can you smell it now you cunt, can you smell it now?”

Chris and Michelle’s relationship flowered and they became girlfriend and boyfriend in an exclusive relationship. It was not long after this that the fun began. It was common knowledge that most afternoons, Chris would take Michelle into the small cave with the small entrance and natural skylight and give her what she deserved. We know he was doing this from the way he would seduce Michelle, usually along the lines of “fuck these kids” (that was us) “let’s go up the cave and have a root”.

When, my mate Adam returned from a holiday in France, during which he and his older brother had accidently packed into their luggage a bunch of French fire crackers, named, “Quarter Stick of Dynamite” that a plan was hatched. For those who have not encountered this prince of fireworks, it is essentially, a red tube, packed with exploding stuff, that has one effect when detonated, it goes bang really fucking loud.

And so it was, one warm spring afternoon, that as soon as Chris made his romantic overtures to his beloved and they disappeared into the scrub, that we swung into action. Firstly, four of the crackers and a cigarette lighter where gathered up and then Adam, myself, Dana (girl subjected crotch in face grinding) and a couple of the other kids made our way the long way to the area outside the cave where the skylight hole was. We knew we had a small amount of time from our previous recognisance (aka perving) that for the first 10 or so minutes, they did the impression of two pale overweight octopuses wrestling as they pawed at each other’s flabby bits followed by a quick act of sex.

We arrived at the skylight at just the right time and could hear the two of them grunting away like a couple of pigs who had found a fresh mud hole. A quick whispered conversation and it was agreed to light all four bungers at once and drop them through the hole to the back of the cave.

Adam held the crackers in a bunch, while I sparked them up and then (which I though incredibly brave) held them for a few seconds to let the wicks burn down, then deposited them through the skylight hole.
As they bounced off the back wall and on to the cave floor, I hear Chris ask, “what the fuck was that” followed by 4 extremely loud explosions (loud outside the cave). What we had neglected in the planning of the revenge prank was the copious amounts of smoke these type of crackers generate when they explode, being that mostly they are used outside and one at a time.

The skylight began to billow smoke like someone was burning green branches on a coal fire, the entrance to the cave looked like Puff the Magic Dragon was about to crawl out and there was screams and shouts and swearing coming from inside the cave. First Chris, then Michelle, crawled out of the opening into the light and stood, gasping for air, squinting into the light, looking a little shell shocked, totally nude with Chris’s rapidly reducing love flute glistening in the afternoon sun. The sound of us pissing ourselves with laughter above them, gave us away, and although they yelled threats of violence and murder at us, they stood there covering the less than enticing genitalia roughly attached to their pudgy bodies.

We made a clean get away that afternoon but, it did result in Adam and I having to remain on permanent alert for Chris and Michelle’s presence for the next few years and making ourselves scarce should they appear. Failing to notice them, particularly Chris, resulted in many punches to the arms and guts but, who didn’t get pleasure from wailing on 11 year olds when you where 15, so we sort of understood.

There are many more takes of dealing with Chris but, unexpectedly he didn’t grow up to go to gaol and wasn’t murdered by an army of wingless cicadas. After an uninspiring 18 month career as a pool cleaner, he retired permanently to his parents home, where as far as I know, he still resides today.

Length? Just less than 4 1/2 glistening inches.
(, Tue 13 Nov 2012, 0:02, 20 replies)
Wow, well done.
I particularly liked the bit where you grew up, got over it, and set fire to your dictionary,
(, Tue 13 Nov 2012, 0:16, closed)
I hate to think how many hours you spent in your mum's basement
learning to type snarky sarcasim style but, well done you, it was worth sacraficing a normal life for.

Tell your mother I said hi.
(, Tue 13 Nov 2012, 1:15, closed)
classic QOTW.
Whines about 'snarky sarcasm'.
Makes a 'your mum' put down in the same paragraph.
(, Tue 13 Nov 2012, 8:30, closed)
Are we ignoring the fact that he admitted to watching underage children having sex?

(, Tue 13 Nov 2012, 11:10, closed)
I think its just accepted these days that qotw is a haven for nonces,
Seems a waste of time typing it out for every nonce tale.
(, Tue 13 Nov 2012, 11:42, closed)
and associating with smugglers of explosives
don't forget smuggling.
(, Wed 14 Nov 2012, 1:37, closed)
Lulz, I tell you. Lots and lots of lulz.

(, Tue 13 Nov 2012, 0:17, closed)

(, Tue 13 Nov 2012, 0:25, closed)
Swear to god that's AB.

(, Tue 13 Nov 2012, 7:55, closed)
Your profile is telling
has posted 289 stories and 3840 replies on question of the week

Best answers to questions:


You're a gym teachers assistant aren't you?
(, Tue 13 Nov 2012, 1:18, closed)
Don't set the bar too high.
(, Tue 13 Nov 2012, 7:52, closed)
Don't believe everything you read in profiles.

(, Tue 13 Nov 2012, 18:13, closed)
Get as upset as you like, you still made a right fucking mess of writing that.

(, Tue 13 Nov 2012, 8:23, closed)
Attempting to kill your childhood bully, eh?

(, Tue 13 Nov 2012, 11:57, closed)
Your profile says a lot about you too.

(, Tue 13 Nov 2012, 12:41, closed)
"I prefer making pictures, entering into conversation and replying to other people's stories over recycling crap Star Wars jokes and generating a ton of tedious drivel about my childhood"?

(, Tue 13 Nov 2012, 23:12, closed)
So your "missing the whole point of QOTW" is?

(, Wed 14 Nov 2012, 0:16, closed)

(, Tue 13 Nov 2012, 13:45, closed)

I particularly enjoyed the epilogue, and shall be clicking presently.
(, Thu 15 Nov 2012, 0:32, closed)
ignore the joyless retards
and have a click
(, Thu 15 Nov 2012, 14:42, closed)

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