RET Dramas.
A few years ago we got solar panels on our roof. We got 10 photovoltaic panels with a 1.5kW inverter. Part of the deal was that a good portion of the cost of the panels and installation was subsidised by a govt. scheme called the Renewable Energy Target or RET for short.

The setup was that once the panels had been installed by a licensed electrician we got them to sign off on some paperwork, they filled out a certificate of installation and then both parties sent their respective documents to the relevant govt. department. This had to be done within a month of the installation in order to claim the subsidy.
Me being the cheapskate that I am, I immediately contacted my good mate Mydeep the Indian sparky to see if he could do the job for me at mate's rates.
Since I was happy to throw in a carton on top of the price, he was going to get the parts at cost and then install them for me. We would claim the full rebate and split the difference on the money saved. Sweet!
Although this arrangement wasn't illegal it really wasn't that morally sound in it's intent.

Now despite the fact that he's a fucking good sparky, unfortunately for me Mydeep is really not that organised. That meant that about a week out from the due date when the paperwork was supposed to handed in I still hadn't heard from him to say that he'd sent his certificate of installation into the govt. I started to get a little bit stressed. Stressed enough to call him - straight to voicemail. So I tried to email him to no avail, so then I tried texting him. Nada. I tried his old pager number... Nothing. I tried ringing his missus - she hadn't seen him in a week! I even tried sending him a fat-o-gram to his business, they rang me to tell me the place was shut up and no-one was there.
Eventually out of frustration I got hold of a pilot friend of mine who owed me a favour... I asked him to fly a banner in circuits around Mydeep's house in the hopes that he would see it. As the banner wasn't cheap I was limited to what I could write. So there it was, billowing gently in the breeze as it flew past -
"Mydeep, seek RET"
(shitposter from the anals of posteriority on, Mon 11 May 2015, 10:27, 10 replies)

willy

( $$ ✅, Mon 11 May 2015, 10:00, 2 replies)

I happen to be privy to the fact that Lee Harvey Oswald strapped explosives to Shergar and rode it up the back stairwell of the World Trade Center

( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Mon 11 May 2015, 9:17, 2 replies)

This is how the story begins: In a dark, dark town there was a dark, dark street.
etc
tl;dr - my cellar has three bodies in it.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 11 May 2015, 0:07, 1 reply)

I killed my annoying cunt brother's fucking kestrel.
Bastard.
(McChinaman banned, Sun 10 May 2015, 22:35, 2 replies)

It was me that
bought the Turtle power single /shame

Length? 12" I'll book the ticket to Hull shall I?
(bottle_cap, Sun 10 May 2015, 20:21, 8 replies)

My Grandson is ginger
Every time I look at him, I think of another evil ginger joke, so I have to keep my mouth shut or I risk scarring him for life!

I am a horrible Grandmother.
( Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Sun 10 May 2015, 16:07, 5 replies)

I voted Tory.
It doesn't get much more of a dirty secret than that!
( da5id <YOUR SIG HERE>, Sun 10 May 2015, 15:56, Reply)

I squander large parts of my productive working life looking at trivia on the internet

( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Sun 10 May 2015, 14:36, Reply)

When my cousin came to stay,
I waited till she was asleep on the couch, then draped her face with bacon, had a few wanks over her and posted her pics to a website on the internet. When she woke up, she was pregnant, except she wasn't.

BAN THIS SCHTICK FILTH.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Sun 10 May 2015, 12:53, Reply)

I'm Spartacus

( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Sun 10 May 2015, 10:36, Reply)

(⊙＿⊙)
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sun 10 May 2015, 9:48, Reply)

Someone from a couple of questions back asked if I'd find a bubble for the spirit level.
Instead of looking for one I just went and had a cup of tea.
(Tupperware Box Full of Angry Bumble Bees , 30p each or three for a quid, Sat 9 May 2015, 23:42, Reply)

This has got to be one of the dullest yet...

(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Sat 9 May 2015, 21:00, 1 reply)

Whenever I go see my mate
I regularly flick the vees at his cat.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sat 9 May 2015, 20:30, 1 reply)

Also, I sometimes
Drape bacon on my face and pretend to be Simon Weston
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sat 9 May 2015, 19:21, 1 reply)

I have on occasion
Drawn a picture of a hideous child and stapled it to a big pillow and stashed it in the divan drawer before putting on sweatpants and moping about in a Dewsbury manner.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sat 9 May 2015, 19:18, Reply)

I've had more than a few wanks over Sian Williams

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sat 9 May 2015, 15:48, 5 replies)

I've had a few wanks over 'Emvee'.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Sat 9 May 2015, 15:42, Reply)

In the days when men were men and pubs were pubs,my mate and I went on our local pub's darts n doms teams' annual trip to Blackpool. The day kicked off in the pub at 8am and after a few pints for breakfast, we clambered onto the coach lugging half a dozen crates of pale ale to tide us over until lunch.

After a roast chicken dinner at a large pub outside Blackpool,we staggered onto a large lawn outside and rolled heavy wooden balls across it for a few hours.Bowls,first to 21,but few could be arsed keeping score so the first to lose interest lost the game.An eventual champion was declared and we boarded the coach to hit the pubs and clubs of Blackpool.

Following much boozing and debauchery we found the coach and set off home in the early hours,singing,drinking and generally pissing about,literally in some cases.

Slight problem.It's four in the morning and as I stand swaying at my front door with my besht mate I realise I've lost my key. Bob,I can't use his real name for reasons which will become obvious if I ever get to the point,offered to let me bed down at his place for what was left of the night.

We made it to his house and were met by his wife,who had clearly had a drink or two also.Midway through our little nightcap it was suggested that I join them in their bed to sleep.Having already become aware of the dog hairs on the settee and his wife's ample,soft,curvaceous bosom I didn't feel able to decline the offer.As my best mate snored contentedly,I kissed his wife,caressed her tits and explored her wet pussy.

When I climbed silently between her legs I didn't foresee that in nine months time I would be sitting downstairs sipping tea. Sipping tea and making polite conversation as the newborn twin girls gurgled happily in their carry cots in the corner. Ignoring the fact that they looked remarkably like me.

No, that last bit was a lie.There was no pregnancy.In fact there was no intercourse.I was too pissed to get it up.

Still feel guilty though.
(mallyjoe, Sat 9 May 2015, 13:27, Reply)

Time Play / Whip Thief
I was once a part-time not very good dominatrix. I believe I was seeing a man who might have been called Giles and who might have been an ex-Etonian. I made him wear a pink lacy ladies thong and crawl around on the floor pretending to be some kind of beast, think I might have made him eat sweets off the floor scattered around too. May have locked him in the hotel wardrobe for a bit. When he was asleep I changed the time on his watch and other devices so that is was an hour or maybe more early. He had an early work meeting the next day which is why he could get away with the hotel escapade but he really didn't want to get up so early. My time play made him get up even earlier. I had left by then.

Presumably none of the above is what a professional dominatrix does, but it amused me to no end. A few months later he tried to see me again.

Just remembered whilst writing this I stole a whip from Ann Summers to whip him with. There was no way I was paying for something so ridiculous.
(Biscuitism Never knowingly oversold, Sat 9 May 2015, 12:41, 1 reply)

I'm in talks with Rob to buy B3ta

( Peej, Sat 9 May 2015, 9:00, 4 replies)

I don't seed torrents.

(McChinaman banned, Fri 8 May 2015, 21:29, 6 replies)

I've had a few hundred wanks while thinking about my mate's girlfriend.
She's not even that attractive.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 8 May 2015, 20:54, Reply)

I'm the one who didn't close my vehicle's door
Which opened again as I backed my car out of the parking space, and ruined your vehicle's door.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Fri 8 May 2015, 20:48, Reply)

My cock and bollocks stretch from Tower Bridge right up to Westminster.

(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Fri 8 May 2015, 18:27, 3 replies)